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Whole Lesbian Sex
A (Dirty Little) Valentine's Wish for You


Felice Newman, QSyndicate.com

Recently, I opened my door to find a French maid on my porch. She flashed her raincoat to show me her pink bra and frilly apron, sparkly choker, garters, and heels. "I'm a full-service maid," she said. "Your wife sent me."

I invited her in, and soon I found myself having sex in ways beyond my usual repertoire (even though, in real life, the pretty little maid was my partner of five years). There were many sites of simultaneous penetration. She rode me in reverse cowgirl position (look it up in the Ultimate Guide to Adult Videos). Something about the costume and the premise of the scene (that I could do anything I wanted with this hired girl) freed my imagination. Why else would I have had her make her way around our dining room on her knees with her duster in one hand and one slim finger from the other hand stuck in her butt?

Needless to say, the sex was very hot – even hotter than the time I was visited by a that classy out-call sex worker, or even the time, early in our relationship, that a bratty Russian teen, smoking and smacking gum, turned up at my door. She was certainly a load of trouble.

Role play is on my partner's must-do list. It needn't happen very often, but I don't think she would feel fulfilled in a sexual relationship in which fantasy role play was off-limits.

Fantasy role play isn't on my must-do list – although after this last scene, I may have to reconsider that position. The scenes I invent for our pleasure usually don't require costumes (unless you include leather) or made-up names (does Daddy count?) though they may involve a trip to Good Vibrations and the recruitment of a cast of supporting players.

Our sex life has gotten bigger over the years. That's not always true for couples. For many people, the greatest sexual possibilities exist in the beginning of a relationship, when you trust your new partner enough to reveal who you are, but you aren't known well enough yet to be overdefined by your habits. In other words, for many people, the sex you have some months into it will be the sex you have some years into it. Which is just great – until it isn't.

Your partnered sex life needn't be static, or worse, wane as the years go by. Believing that loss of sexual desire is inevitable – which is what we have been led to expect – discourages us from trying to do anything about it. That gives our sexual relationships a quality of resignation. This belief also makes it hard to maintain loving relationships – monogamous or polyamorous – since most of us would rather not have to choose between an active sex life and a stable love life. None of this, by the way, is any more true for lesbians than it is for heterosexual or gay male couples.

Your shared erotic life can expand and deepen over time. How? You make it happen. It starts with a courageous moment in which someone creates a possibility by naming it: "Honey, I was thinking..." For some of the clients I coach, this is the most difficult moment of all, yet one that has the potential to yield the greatest rewards.

Think of your partner as your collaborator in creating a shared erotic life. You each bring your strengths (and weaknesses), experiences and histories, needs and wishes to the sexual relationship. You bring intention accompanied by action. You replace resignation ("We've been together 10 years – we're lucky we have sex once a month") with curiosity ("What would it be like if we decided to have sex twice a week?").

My Valentine's wish for you is that you cultivate openness in place of cynicism, and love in place of self-doubt. That you offer each other the gift of every crazy twist and turn of your erotic imagination.

And when the bell rings, for God's sake, answer the door.

Felice Newman is a founding publisher of Cleis Press, coaches individuals and couples and she is the author of "The Whole Lesbian Sex Book: A Passionate Guide for All of Us." She can be reached at LesbianSex@qsyndicate.com. Visit her at www.felicenewman.com

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