Whole Lesbian Sex
Strike a Blow for Freedom – Yours

Felice Newman,

Drag Kings on Tour In the midst of all the flag-waving, let's not forget who we are. Dykes, lesbians, bisexuals, drag kings, transwomen and transmen, butches, femmes, queers – it's sex that makes us different. It's who we fuck, and for many of us, such as leatherdykes and fetishists, it's how.

So, ring your own liberty bell. There are a lot of ways to pursue sexual freedom, not the least of which is having sex – when you want, how you want, where you want, and with whom you want.

Sexual freedom means having the sex life you desire, not the sex life other people think you should have. Don't listen to the neocons who tell you you'll burn in hell – or the people in your own community who may claim that your gender identity is an anachronism or a fad, or that you're oversexed or selfish if you insist on a life filled with sexual pleasure.

Gather a sexual community around yourself. I'm talking about enthusiastically sex-positive, nonjudgmental people who want you to have the sex life you desire – and who have the resources (and heart) to help you create it.

Who has your back when it comes to your sexual and gender identity? Who hears your sexual stories – victories, disappointments, frustrations, dreams? Who tells you hers – or his? Who's got the firsthand report on the new sex party, sex toy boutique, DVD, or strip club? When your partner wants to try something new, who do you talk to? Who helps you sort out your questions about gender and sexual identity?

What good are bragging rights if there's no one to brag to?

Think of your sexual community as a place you can go to replenish (and share) sexual energy. Many of us find community through women's sex toy shops, which offer workshops and demos on everything from flirting to anal sex. (You might also learn of more intimate social networks, like who throws the sex parties in your town, for instance.) No sex toy store in your city? Your local queer bookseller might love to host an erotic reading group.

Don't skip the explicit screenings at your town's gay and lesbian film festival – take a group of friends. Next time you hear about a drag king performance or a lesbian strip show, mark your calendar. These are events where queer sexuality is out in the open and celebrated. And they are great places to cruise for sex partners.

Nearly all women's BDSM organizations offer novice nights for women who are new to the world of bondage, dominance and submission, and S/M. Even if your interest in bondage is on the mild side, you can attend a program on negotiating with a new partner. (Don't think you're not kinky enough to go to a meeting of a local women's leather organization. You may surprise yourself.) Not a novice? Volunteer to teach Bondage 101, either through your local leather group or your local community center.

Go to a sex party, whether women-only, queer, or pansexual. There's something to be said for being in a room filled with queer women (and, at some parties, men) who are openly engaging each other sexually.

Lest you think that only lesbians in a few major cities have the privilege of partaking in any this, there are women's leather groups, sex toys stores, play parties, queer bookstores, drag king shows, and other sexual resources for us in Austin, Baltimore, Berkeley, Boston, Cambridge, Chicago, Denver, Halifax, Jacksonville, Kansas City, Los Angeles, Madison, Minneapolis, New York, Ottawa, Phoenix, Pittsburgh, Portland, San Diego, San Francisco, Santa Barbara, Seattle, Toronto, Vancouver, and Washington, D.C., among many other cities.

Of course, for many of us, sexual community is found online, in e-mail discussion lists, blogs, bulletin boards, and chatrooms. Online you can transcend geography, so even if you live a hundred miles from the nearest queer gathering place, you can find friends and sex partners.

It's a big world out there - and you deserve limitless possibilities for sexual pleasure and delight. Don't let anybody convince you otherwise.

Felice Newman is a founding publisher of Cleis Press and the author of The Whole Lesbian Sex Book: A Passionate Guide for All of Us. She can be reached at Visit her at

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