The loving spoonful
The next time you have a wank, look closely at that teaspoonful of semen,
and be amazed. That is if you manage to catch it as it whizzes by at 45
km/h. That little puddle contains 300 to 500 million sperm, each one
wiggling away frantically. If you laid them all head to tail they would
stretch up to 25 kilometres.
Cradle your balls in your hand, and be amazed. Each second 1000 hopeful
sperm are being produced. Each one can live up to a month waiting for the
great fertilisation race, and if deposited in a female, it can live for
another three days.
Only 3% of your semen consists of sperm. The balance is made up of all
sorts of bits and pieces including protein, citric acid, fructose, sodium
chloride and ammonia.
Dip your finger into it and taste. If it is bitter you could be a
marijuana smoker, or a coffee drinker. A sharp taste and you could be a red
meat or chocolate eater. Vegetarians have a mild tasting semen, while if it
is sweet you could be a borderline diabetic. Quite what the semen belonging
to a diabetic vegetarian with a fondness for a joint would taste like, I'm
not sure. Any connoisseurs out there?
Containing 36 calories, the nutritional value of that spoonful of semen
equals a steak, three eggs, two oranges, and a lemon. Sounds like quite a
healthy meal. Go to The Factory for dinner, and at the same time you can
tell by the taste, what your chef had for dinner.
But then again, if your donor is HIV positive, it could be dangerous, but
only if you have sores in your mouth, just brushed your teeth or had your
tongue pierced. Studies of gay couples in San Francisco where one partner
is HIV positive, the negative partner retained his negative status despite
regular consumption of his positive partner's semen. But then it is probably
not a good idea to make a habit of such a diet, just in case.
If you don't want to swallow, then you can do as Helen Gurley Brown, the
'60s feminist, advised, and spread semen on your face. "Full of protein, it
makes a fine face mask".
If, whilst cradling your balls, they seem to be particularly ample, look at
your ring finger. Is it longer than the index finger? Be amazed.
Researchers have discovered that the same genes that tell the testes to grow
in utero also stimulate the growth of the ring finger. Men with a long ring
finger tend to have bigger balls, a higher level of testosterone, produce
more sperm and have a higher sex drive.
If you had been alive in the times of the Ancient Greeks, and looked at your
puddle of semen, it would have had a very different meaning. For the Greeks
believed that semen contained all the manly virtues of courage, strength,
fairness and honesty. It was the duty of a mentor to bugger his adolescent
student so as to pass on these virtues to the next generation. A very
different attitude from the Middle Ages, a culture where the Virgin
symbolised all that was pure and the penis stood for all that was evil. It
was taught that original sin was passed from one generation to the next in
the vilest of all bodily emissions, semen.
In 1677, Antony van Leeuwenhoek, using one of the world's first microscopes,
discovered the existence of bacteria, as well as spermatozoa. He announced
that each sperm was full of veins and nerves, and in fact contained a
miniature person just waiting to be deposited in a female. The sole function
of the woman was to receive and nourish the pre-formed person in her womb.
Scientific drawings of sperm at that time show a tiny naked man sitting
inside what looks like a hot air balloon with a tail.
Looking at your spoonful of semen back then must have been a little
unnerving if you believed it was full of hopeful little people waiting for a
womb. Maybe it is not surprising masturbation was frowned on and fellatio w
as considered to be an act of cannibalism. After all, as the Monty Python
song reminded us, "Every sperm is sacred, every sperm is good, every sperm
is needed in your neighbourhood".
Attackers sliced off Rasputin's penis flinging
it across the room and what was left of Rasputin into the Neva River, where
he drowned. The severed penis was recovered and kept by one of his former
lovers in a polished wooden box by her bedside. Maria Rasputin, writing her
father's biography, described it as looking like a 'blackened, overripe
banana, about a foot long'.
Then there are men that decide to purposely remove their own penises. It
can be seen as the final frontier of body modification, the ultimate level
of sexual gratification, a one-off sexual high. More usually it is part of a
sex change operation. In 1952 a Danish surgeon amputated the penis of an
American ex-GI named George Jorgensen, thus completing one of the first
'successful' sex changes. A few weeks later a stunned world was introduced
to Christine Jorgensen, a woman who now believed that, although she didn't
have a vagina, she had the body she was meant to have. Successful sex
change operations are no longer uncommon; giving men trapped in the wrong
body a new lease of life as a woman, and unlike Miss Jorgensen, they can be
What do you do if you find yourself in a freakish accident and your dick is
no longer attached? Don't panic, just hurry. Pop it into a bag to prevent
freezer burn and then into a fridge and find a micro-surgeon to reattach it
as soon as possible. The time lapse between injury and re-attachment needs
to be less than six hours if your dick is to perform all required functions
If you run out of time, you can always do as the aboriginal women of
Grippsland, Australia apparently do. They wear their dead husband's penises
around their necks as a talisman. An interesting pendant, but possibly a
little off-putting for any subsequent suitors.
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