FEATURE

Sex talk
Speaking of Maintenance Sex


Simon Sheppard, QSyndicate.com

Yes, there's much to be said in favor of long-lasting love. As years go by, though, overwhelming erotic excitement often falls by the wayside. "I love my partner more than anything," says a fellow who's been in a relationship for a couple of decades. "But is the sex as amazing as it was when we first met? Nope, not by a long shot."

Waning desire can be a big problem, particularly when a relationship is monogamous – or is supposed to be. And that's where "maintenance sex" comes in. Our partnered guy continues, "Still, we do have sex with each other. It may be briefer than it used to be, and less frequent. But it's still really affectionate and really nice."

When yesteryear's all-night fuck sessions turn into quick head before heading off to work, the men involved may think that something's gone wrong. But as another man says, "I've been with my partner eight years now. Our sex may no longer be shiny and new – in fact, it's as comfortable as an old shoe – but I'm still delighted to be able to give him pleasure."

Plenty of queer guys are in long-term relationships that are more or less open, but even getting laid elsewhere need not decrease the delight – or desirability – of maintenance sex. "My relationship has always been nonmonogamous," says a man in his mid-30s. "Neither of us is a jealous type, but honestly, if we didn't have sex with each other at least a few times a month, it would make our outside interests seem like more of a threat."

Sure, sometimes maintenance sex can reek of desperation, but it need not be that way. Even if hard-ons wilt or orgasms come too soon, the homo harmony between in-tune partners can make technical glitches seem slight. Blowjobs need not be mind-blowing to make the grade.

While penile predictability is comforting to some, others find erotic repetition a dick-deflating bore. But even old tricks can learn new tricks. The mid-30s man recalls, "My boyfriend and I always ended up doing the same thing: I'd suck him, he'd come, and then I'd rub myself off against him. It just kind of always happened that way. Finally, I decided to vary the routine, sometimes getting a lot kinkier, too. And things got a lot more exciting. It's not one of those women's magazine how-to-spice-up-your-love-life cliches, exactly, but it did remind us how great sex with one another could be."

Beware, though, of placing too much of a burden on a single buttplowing. In sex, as in life, things sometimes go awry. If playing is supposed to be something more than pleasure – an apology for an argument, a proof of being in love, or even an anniversary present – otherwise understandable letdowns can seem unduly important. Remember: You know each other, you adore each other, and you'll have plenty more opportunities to do each other.

Maintenance sex can be both reassuring and supremely pleasurable. While fucking with a stranger might be an exciting erotic exploration, sex between men who know each other well can strike a tender balance between love and lust. After all, who knows what gets you off better than your long-term partner? (And if he doesn't know, perhaps it's time to sit down for a long talk.) Says the man in the couple-of-decades relationship, "Even if I'm not feeling especially horny, I'll still go ahead and fool around with my honey. It's not just about cum, it's about communication."

And more often than not, what starts out feeling like a duty ends up a fabulous fuck. Because, after all, giving sexual pleasure to your boyfriend is one of the best ways to say, "Hey, I still adore you."

Simon Sheppard is the author of Kinkorama: Dispatches from the Front Lines of Perversion



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