The nicely constructed Euro-stud Fernando Torres

David Salter | July 07, 2008

Fernando Torres
For many of the folks across the pond, this past week saw an exciting conclusion to the Euro 2008 soccer championships, in which Spain nabbed its first European title in more than four decades in a 1-0 win over Germany, practically the home team for the spectators in Vienna.

The winning (and only) goal came from nicely constructed if unfortunately maned Euro-stud Fernando Torres (what is it with hunky footballers with the Marvita-do from Top Model cycle 10?).

As the happy Spaniards return to their villas and bullfighting rings, it is time for elitist sporting aficionados back here in the States to move on to the next misunderstood sporting event to pretend to care about in order to remain superior to their lower-class baseball-watching peers.

Fortunately, 2008 offers an embarrassment of riches for sports snob, including the Wimbledon tennis tournament recently completed in London.

This year Wimbledon has resembled the 2007 NCAA football season in its astonishing amount of upsets. While both Venus and Serena Williams advanced convincingly, last week saw the downfalls of top seeded Ana Ivanovic in the third round, as well as my favorite hissy-fit throwing racketeer, Andy Roddick – angry sex is so hot – in the second.

In perhaps the worst endorsement for wardrobe changes in recent sporting history, former Wimbledon champ Maria Sharipova, who made headlines by deciding to abandon her traditionally fancy outfits for a more austere, �manly� shorts and t-shirt ensemble, was upset in the second round.

To add insult to injury, the victor of the match, 154th ranked Russian Alla Kudryavtseva, told reporters afterwards, "I don't like her outfit. It's a little too much of everything. ... It was one of the motivations to beat her."

Kudrayavtseva's subsequent victory in the third round was met with muted applause from the audience of posh Brits who usually love the underdog, but homegirl had to go and dis Maria's duds.

Poor form, poor form.

Poor Sharapova just couldn't get anything her way last week even beyond the South London fabulousness: Her home country, Russia, has denied her request to be the flag bearer for the team at the upcoming Beijing Olympics.

Supposedly they hold that the duties of the flag bearer would have a negative impact on her stamina for subsequent matches, but I have a sneaking suspicion that the Russians don't look too kindly on losing in the second round in front of the Queen wearing a tuxedo-shorts combo outfit.

With many of the US Olympic trials currently underway in that gay-friendliest of Northwest cities, Eugene, Oregon, my fellow sports writers and I couldn't help but notice a few amusing headlines emerging from the track and field competitions.

The first typically read something along the lines of �Hooker Wins 100-Meter Qualifier in 10.76 Seconds,� but the astute reader who can stop guffawing long enough to continue will find that the headline refers to Marshevet Hooker, whose time ties her with former record-holder Evelyn Ashford as the fifth-fastest woman in all conditions.

Reports of sightings of a bizarrely dressed pimp chasing the Olympian down the track have not yet been confirmed.

Outsports.com discovered a rather bizarre headline on a site called OneNewsNow that read, �Homosexual Breaks Greene's US Record in 100 at Trials.�

The �homosexual� in question is actually new US record holder Tyson Gay, but as Outsports.com discovered, OneNewsNow is owned by the American Family Association (read: not fans of the gays) that had set a filter to automatically change the word �gay� to �homosexual,� perhaps to try and reclaim their beloved word that the �homosexuals� so ruthlessly stole and perverted.

The new �fastest man� is apparently Gay in name if not deed, but it is nice to know the Gays and the Hookers will be representing our fine nation in Beijing this summer.

There's been some gay action in the watersports categories of the Olympic trials (and I mean the pool) lately, including openly gay swimmer Andrew Langenfeld making a historic run for the team, competing against none other than my future husband Michael Phelps in the 100-meter butterfly, in which the latter holds the US record.

There are only two spots available and Langenfeld is ranked in the triple digits, but we salute his tenacity and the huge sacrifices he has made by spending his days in the water with dozens of perfectly built men wearing almost no clothing.

It's a tough job but someone has to do it.

The swim trials were made particularly exciting by the breaking of several US and world records by Phelps, Katie Hoff and others.

Speedo also revealed the design of their new LZR RACER full body suit, the popularity of which I bemoaned in this column a few weeks back. Its star-spangled banner design is only second in flashiness to its apparent mechanical (if not aesthetic) advantages over bare skin, but I hope that our swimmer friends will throw us a bone and do some more of those lovely shirtless Time Magazine covers (Phelps) or Playboy centerfolds (Amanda Beard) to make up for it.

Speaking of gay Olympians who spend their time dripping wet and nearly nude, Australian pint-sized Olympian and openly gay diver Matthew Mitcham is apparently still bitching about not having enough money to bring his boyfriend Lachlan to Beijing to �watch him compete.�

The decision from the Johnson and Johnson Athlete Family Support office on whether they will fund the twink's transcontinental sleepover is still to come, but many empathetic fans of the small six-pack with legs have begun pledging money and airline miles in support of young love.

I know that two weeks is a long time to go without having sex for a 20-year-old with an ass you could bounce a quarter off of, but I really believe he has the strength and determination to overcome such a devastating obstacle should the need arise.

I support him that much.

NBC has apparently embraced their first openly gay American Gladiator (never mind that there was a former gay porn actor mysteriously appearing as one of the Gladiators on the previous season). Stand-up comedian Sean Hetherington, whose marital status on the website states �boyfriend,� is a personal trainer and waiter in (wait for it) West Hollywood and notably shed 100 pounds back in 2003. And this was before The Biggest Loser! How can that be?

And I suppose it is a nice segue to close with this week's Biggest Loser, namely Chicago Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano. In comments to reporters recently, Zambrano complained about meanies in the bleacher, saying �sometimes I�m in the outfield and they say bad words. 'You�re a homosexual.� I say, �I�m going to show him if I�m a homosexual on the mound.��

I couldn't decide between the flood of possible jokes involving pitchers and catchers, homosexuals on the mound, or the fact that he is currently on the DL (disabled list), but as is often the case, I think the foot in Zambrano's mouth speaks entirely efficiently on its own.

Until we meet again. – Issued by Gay Link Content

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