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SPORTS FEATURE

Michael Phelps and other swim hunks cover it up in the pool


David Salter | June 23, 2008

Michael Phelps
Sure, I could begin with the customary reporting of the Tiger Woods/Rocco Mediate playoff in the US Open, or Kobe Bryant�s slam dunk keeping the Lakers� hopes alive albeit gasping for breath, or how the Dodgers suck as usual.

But this is This GAY Week in Sports, folks, and I have a far more pressing piece of news to share, and it�s bad.

The German and Japanese national swim teams announced they are the latest to abandon the skimpy traditional Speedo for something Mario Lopez might be seen in on Broadway: leotards.

Japan and Germany will be using new high-tech body suits that reduce drag and that have led to 38 world records set since February of this year. Speedo and Adidas are the two major developers of the new trend, which has some athletes who have contracts with other companies not riding the wave crying foul.

So far the new suits have been upheld as legal swimwear, but the big guys upstairs seem to be missing the real tragedy here: Why the hell do you think 90 percent of us watch swimming anyway? Give you a hint: it�s not for the fabric.

It looks like everyone�s favorite American swim hunk Michael Phelps seems to be on board as well, meaning we may never again get to see that tantalizingly placed tattoo of the Olympic rings right next to his package. Not that they�re on my desktop background or anything�

To cheer us up, though, Cosmopolitan Magazine UK has been featuring various studs without their duds for their readers� enjoyment and ostensibly for good causes on the side.

The latest edition features Spanish tennis player Fernando Verdasco, to raise cancer risk awareness.

Although his nicely sculpted thigh cleverly hides his pair of tennis balls, the photo certainly seems designed to raise a few other things as well.

I nominate this as the new uniform for the upcoming Wimbledon tournament, even if Andy Roddick is still wussing out and not in attendance.

Some loyal Cristiano Ronaldo fans� sorry, I mean �football� (soccer) fans� may have noticed that Euro 2008 is going on, meaning more of the shirtless 23-year-old printed across the globe.

This year, gay and lesbian activists have decided to take a stand against rampant homophobia tied to the super-popular sport (there are currently no openly gay pro soccer players) with a gay party lounge at the event in Vienna and a poster contest that yielded dozens of intriguing finalists, from the powerful to the somewhat arousing.

The winning poster features the body of a player in an Austrian uniform holding a ball (a soccer ball, sickos) and wearing an armband reading �gay.�

Other finalists feature soccer balls positioned on drawings of testicles and breasts, players making out or groping one another�s asses, bright red stilettos, and, my personal favorite, a rainbow background with the words �Tackle From Behind� printed in the center.

Just to make sure the gay presence is felt at Euro 2008 beyond reasonable doubt, LockerRoom will host a Boy George party on June 20 in Zurich.

As one Belgian entry so succinctly put it, �Gay, straight, bi – we all play with balls.�

Elsewhere across the pond, racing maven Danica Patrick has been invited to try out for England�s Formula One circuit, causing some bitching from other F1 racers.

�A girl with big boobs would never be comfortable in the car, and the mechanics wouldn�t concentrate. Can you imagine strapping her in?� asks current racer Jenson Button.

I like boys, and even I can imagine strapping her in. Or her strapping me in. Vividly.

On a racetrack across the globe, upstart twink Joey Logano made history by becoming the youngest winner in Nationwide Series auto racing last week at the Kentucky Speedway.

The barely legal Logano won after teammate Kyle Busch smashed into a wall, but the 18-year-old is eager to race all the way to the finish against other big shots in the �sport.� It also made a nice gift for daddy (and we mean his real daddy); �I was wondering what I was going to get for my dad,� the kid said. �This should work for sure.�

In other� and I use the term lightly� "news," following our story about the gay rugby world championships currently underway in Ireland, lesbians want us to know that they can roll around in the mud together too.

�Being able to full-on tackle someone, to just lay them out� that's one of the most enjoyable things for me to do,� said Corrie Nuens, president of the Chicago Women�s Rugby Football Club, to reporters recently.

Shockingly, 90% of the players are lesbians.

�I just like going out there and being really aggressive,� Nuens said.

What I want to see is the lesbians take on the gay rugby team and see who wins. My money is on the ladies (and I mean the ones with lady parts).

And finally, what kind of gay column would this be without a mention of Dirty Sanchez/bisexual exhibitionist-loving amateur fetish porn star Screech?

Former Saved by the Bell actor Dustin Diamond has been tapped to compete on Hulk Hogan�s new reality series Celebrity Championship Wrestling, along with other such maligned names as former NBA star/erstwhile drag queen Dennis Rodman and Playboy Playmate Nikki Ziering.

Beware competitors: Screech may look small, but we�ve learned that there�s nothing... NOTHING... he won�t try in order to come out on top. – Issued by Gay Link Content


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