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This week in the world of lesbian gossip

Tracy E. Gilchrist | September 04, 2008

Sarah Palin, Lindsay Lohan

Break out the pepper spray, rubber bullets, concussion grenades, Jim Beam and Sarah Palin and Elisabeth Hasselbeck blow-up dolls. It�s the Republican National Convention and we are officially going to hell in a hand basket. When the Lush, the Lez Lindsay Lohan takes to waxing political on her blog – mind you, between blogging love notes to her DJ to the Stars Samantha Ronson – you know it�s just a matter of time before the fucking asteroid hits and we find ourselves on the beach waiting for the Big Kahuna� just like Tea Leoni in Deep Impact!

Admittedly, I adore the Lush, the Lez, the Lohan for her innate ability to continually make for good copy, whether there�s an ounce of authenticity in it or if she�s just a good old publicity whore. She�s the gift that keeps on giving. First up, the lil� ole Linds had a rough week engaging in a public three-way bitch-slap with her gal Sam and her ex-con cum good Christian father Michael Lohan.

It seems that Father of the Year Michael got his knickers in a knot when he heard that Sam�s planning to pen a tell-all�judging by the typos in Sam�s blogs, she�s going to want to engage a ghostwriter but that�s another story – and he accused Lindsay�s lady love of pimping out his daughter for her own gain. Damn it Samantha. Lindsay�s Mom and Pop are the only ones allowed to exploit their children. It�s a parental right after all.

The happiest Lesbo couple since Ellen and Portia said �I do,� Lo-Ron took to their separate but singularly-minded blogs to eviscerate Lindsay�s dad. Stating her mood as �betrayed,� Linds blogged the following tidbit�charming typos and all.

He has become a public embaressment and a bully – To my family, my co-workers, my friends, and a girl that means the world to me (its obvious who that is).

Awwww� and then Sam, claws out for her Benz-crashing�once-upon-a-rising-star�beauty, responded to Michael�s rants with the following tasty nugget.

i feel no need to publicly defend my role in lindsay's life – i'm just sorry that she likes me more than him. p.s. i'm not the one that is so lost that i need to use my relationship with lindsay to earn a living�. i am, always will and always have been here for her for her – not for anything else�.so I think it's safe to say that there is not now and never will be a tell all�.. written by me�.. when does your book come out mr. lohan?

As if Linds didn�t have enough going on in her Vodka and Vicodin free life – including the sad news her grandfather died last Thursday – the little politico weighed in on the Sarah Palin, gun-slinging hot-ass Republican, let-the-bun-down and zip-up the thigh high dominatrix gear, John McCain�s bizzarro pick for VP.

Oh right, and if Palin herself isn�t just a can-of-worms waiting to explode, her 17-year-old daughter Bristol Palin is knocked up with some hot jock's baby. And it�s just what the world needs – another conservative, anti-gay, anti-choice, creationist in the world.

Here�s what Lindsay the Lush, the Lez had to say about the Palin debacle and the subsequent media fall-out.

I am concerned with the fact that Sarah Palin brought the attention to her daughter's pregnancy, rather than all world issues and what she believes she could possibly do to change them – if elected. I get Sarah Palin's views against abortion, but i would much prefer to hear more about what she can do for our country rather than how her daughter is going to have a child no matter what.

I smell MSNBC for Linds! Rachel Maddow had better watch her back because she�s not the only hot-shot, big-brained Lesbo out there. Finally, Linds finished with this lucid thought on teen pregnancy.

i heard a woman say on TODAY on NBC that teens are feeling as if they have to grow up faster. Really? Because, i think that girls that are CHOOSING to be sexually active and are making a conscious decision to grow up faster�.. I think that parents need to recognize how important it is to talk to their children about the things that can result from being sexually active if they aren't protecting themselves (birth control, condoms, etc.)

Well stated Linds! And for the record, there�s always girl-on-girl action as the fail-safe antidote to pregnancy. Alright, it must be said. Poor Bristol Palin lives in Alaska� did I mention pics of her nuzzling up to some airplane mini booze bottles and a fat bottle of Captain Morgan�s have surfaced on PerezHilton.com?

Anyway, when it�s dark for six months on end what else is there besides sex and booze? I�m just saying� I grew up in New England� you know� four seasons and all. And being a burgeoning lez at an early age likely saved me a lifetime of Pampers and Gymboree whilst hitting up the community center weeknights to earn my GED.

Now here�s the down and dirty on all things unrelated to Lindsay Lohan, Sarah Palin and those crazy kids at the RNC.

For decades, gay girls have pinned their hopes on Dolly Parton�s triple-D cups that she might occasionally lean toward the ladies. But Jessica Simpson isn�t exactly the Parton paramour anyone had in mind! Still, it doesn�t get much richer than the Simpson/Parton pairing on Jess�s country cross-over ditty "Do You Know?" As a Dolly devotee I thought I�d died and gone to Hog Country Heaven when she recorded Trio and Trio II with the iconic Linda Ronstadt and Emmylou Harris.

But when Tony Romo�s squeeze sings "Lying here beside you in the dark/I feel the steady rhythm of your heart/Feel your face against my shoulder/Breath upon my skin/Embers barely smoldered/I make love to you again,� to Dame Dolly Parton, it is just, well, breathtaking – and I�m not sure that�s a good thing. Together they croon, �Nothing in this world compares to this/The way our bodies fit/The way you kiss/Do you know how beautiful you are here in the afterglow?"

I�m feeling a little sheepish afterglow creeping in just from listening! Whew! Somebody get me a glass of lemonade. There�s no real word yet as to how Jess and Dolly came to love one another in tune but one blogger�s explanation for the Sapphic song is that Kenny Rogers originally laid down Jess�s tracks and she simply sang over Dolly�s former dueting partner. But no matter. This gem exists in the world by the grace of the ironic country Gods!

Never mind The L Word. Primetime gets a real Sapphic infusion with Ellen Degeneres� new bride Princess Portia de Rossi starring in the pilot Better off Ted, an office comedy starring Jay Harrington as a moral man working for an amoral company – and it�s not a tabloid. Portia plays his �super-human boss� Veronica. So, she�s not the solipsistic Lindsay Bluth. Ellen�s wife in a business suit and tight bun is never a bad thing!

Chalk one up for the gay girls. Out lesbian Dee walked away with the title Shear Genius and a spread in Allure magazine for delivering week after week of Shane and Alice haircuts circa The L Word season two. Soon, Dee will be cutting for the lesbian army. But really, congrats to Dee. She�s a cutie and if this L Word spin-off thing pans out, she might just land herself a full-time gig.

That adorable yet sexy sprite Kristin Chenoweth took time out from shooting Pushing Daisies to deliver a hilarious, if not important, musical production number PSA to her methed out gays on FunnyorDie.com.

And during an interview with my gay brethren, now the Editor in Chief of Advocate.com, Ross von Metzke, Kristin jumped on the girl-on-girl best cinematic kiss bandwagon and copped that the pleasure was all hers while snogging Annette Bening in Running with the Scissors.

"Oh she (Annette) definitely wins. First off, a kiss can be very, very sweet and it doesn't have to be slobbery and with tongue. But yeah, she definitely wins.� Thanks for that Kristin! – Issued by Gay Link Content

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Michelle Obama, Jodie Foster



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