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Gossip So Good, It's Got To Be Gay

Ross von Metzke | September 01, 2008

Another DNA hottie

I hate to be predictable, but some things in life are guaranteed.

Shove a camera in Sharon Stone's face and she'll say something stupid.

Invite Amy Winehouse to a crack den and have an ambulence on standby.

Put a model on the cover of DNA Magazine and we'll feature him as our hottie of the week.

Yes, it's that time again folks, and considering they have never let us down before, I don't know why I'd be in the slightest bit surprised that their latest yummy cover guy is hot, hot, hot.

Bryan Thomas continues the tradition of many a man before him by gracing the cover with an oh so sultry pose. So a bit of candy for you before we move on into the gossip.

Tough to believe, but the first time 90210 hit airwaves, my mother insisted on watching the first episode with me – because she was convinced the subject matter would be far too adult for my virgin ears to handle (she hadn�t found my drawer full of tawdry Shannon Tweed flicks recorded to my Beta VCR yet).

And thus began my relationship with Brenda, Brandon, Kelly, Steve, David, Donna and that 40-year-old housewife posturing as a high-school junior.

Well now, Brenda and Kelly are back (you know Candy sabotaged her daughter�s chances of rejoining the fold) and since there ain�t a damn other cast member under 40 anybody�s ever heard of, the duty falls to them to promote the show.

Trouble is, by all accounts, they haven�t spoken since they sent Brenda packing for Europe, never to be seen again.

Shannen Doherty and Jennie Garth grace the cover of the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly, arm in arm, looking like the sexed up 30-somethings of Melrose Place they used to cross Doheny to fuck every so often.

They�ve got that pout – the kind that says, �gimme five minutes before I go all Mary Kay Letourneau on your 28-year-old (but the CW says I can still play 17) ass.�

Predictably, everyone�s pitted the two against each other – and Jennie even says in an interview with TV Guide that the first few hours together on the set were rough – but the way the press has painted it, Shannen has nothing but love for Jennie.

It�s Tori who�s better watch herself.

When asked how she felt about Tori throwing her under the bus in her autobiography sTORItelling, Shannen said: "I will censor myself out of respect for Jennie because she's friends with Tori. I got passages sent to me and a vast majority of it is incredibly exaggerated. Maybe it's a difference of how I was raised. I just don't believe you write personal on-set experiences in a book. For me, when you work it's almost a sacred experience whether you get along with everyone or not. In 27 years of acting I've never sold out one of my cast members. Ever. And I will stick to that."

Shit – Tori better make nice with Candy and hole up at the Spelling compound. Shannen looks like the sort of girl who carries a shank.

Maybe Lindsay Lohan could take a cue from Shannen on how to parlay your bad girl image into a return to the spotlight. The still sobering starlet took to her blog yesterday to combat a quote from her father in which he slammed Samantha Ronson for using his daughter to climb the Hollywood ladder.

And here I just thought Samantha Ronson was using Linds for her puss.

Anyhoo, a �drug free� (her words) Lindsay took to MySpace last week to tell her father to, among other things, stay the fuck out of her life. She wrote: �I have tried – after all that my mother and siblings have gone through, i really tried to make things work – For the hope of having a father again – wanting things to change – even though people have said, some people will forever remain the same. Having said that – the people were right, and he is yet to change – but this time, without his daughter by his side – He has become a public embaressment (sic) and a bully – To my family, my co-workers, my friends, and a girl that means the world to me (its obvious who that is).

In other words, Michael, go get that paternity test, worm your way into your other daughter�s life and pray she has enough talent to step up onto a stage somewhere and make you a very rich papa.

If you thought the Paris Hilton/McCain video put out by the folks at FunnyOrDie.com was a hoot, you�re gonna crap your depends when you see their latest – this one with Kristin Chenoweth of all people.

Spoofing the A&E; show Intervention, some crack head gets ambushed by his family, who have gathered to convince their kid to kick his habit. He�s having none of it when theatre queen and Pushing Daisies star Chenoweth grabs the bull by the balls and gives it to him plainly – in song.

Bonus points for rhyming �getting head� with �Sudafed.�

Wasn�t it just two years ago some women in faith conference kicked out poor Kristin because she�s an avid supporter of gay rights? They�re probably huddled in prayer as we speak.

So I�m kind of a bit rusty on the details of this next little news blurb, but apparently O.J. Simpson got knocked the fuck out by his daughter of all people during an altercation she was having with his latest girlfriend.

Oh hell yeah.

It�s his oldest daughter, 39-year-old Arnelle (not Nicole�s), and apparently she was confronting O.J.�s bitch about her addiction to the sauce when O.J. stepped in to try and break things up.

That�s when Arnelle knocked him to the ground.

First off, the whole confrontation is kind of sick – I mean, if you were shacking up with O.J., wouldn�t you drink? It�s the only way to keep the demons as bay.

I�m not one to advocate violence – and we all know it�s hereditary, so steer clear of poor Arnelle if you know what�s good for you – but much like I�ll get a huge delight out of seeing O.J. sent to the pokey, there�s just something about picturing him knocked to the ground that makes my nose twitch.

And just a quick little shout out to Mama Duff, who�s apparently so broke after her divorce (who frankly makes no sense to me because Hilary would logically be the one with all the cash), she�s suing her ex hubby for $25K to throw Hilary a kickin� b-day party.

Make Hilary�s publicist do it – or some studio. Or better yet, go to Mtv with some lame ass reality show pitch – a �how to make the girl who has everything smile on a shoestring budget� sort of thing. The judge met her halfway, awarding her $12,500 for the party.

That�s half what they spent on Haylie – and the first time she ever came out on top of the other sister.

Until next time... make sure to take time to stop and smell the gossip! – Issued by Gay Link Content

  • Ross von Metzke is the Entertainment Editor of Gay Web Monkey and GayWired.com. The former Editor in Chief of Xodus Magazine, his work has appeared in YM, Performing Arts, The San Diego Union Tribune, Entertainment Weekly, Instinct and Link. Ross lives in Los Angeles.

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