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This week in the world of lesbian gossip

Tracy E. Gilchrist | August 29, 2008

Michelle Obama, Jodie Foster

Ahhh, the end of the summer in the USA. That melancholy time of year when the final seasonal mojito is guzzled poolside and the bikini gets shoved to the back of the underwear drawer. This pre-Labor day week we kiss the tankini-clad hot-assed Olympic beach volley ball gals and the dumb jocks goodbye in favor of non-stop politics and big-brained heavy hitters at the Democratic National Convention.

First up, smarty-pants and presumptive First Lady Michelle Obama wowed the crowd with her oratorical skills and political acumen at the DNC on Monday. She even managed a shout-out to her hubby Barack Obama�s sparring partner during the primaries and my fave Wellesley geek turned cuckolded First Lady cum New York Senator then turned to the first viable female candidate for president – Hillary Clinton.

The lovely Michelle said of Hillary that she put �18 million cracks in the glass ceiling, so that our daughters – and sons – can dream a little bigger and aim a little higher."

Hills, of course, turned the tables back on Michelle during her rousing (and very presidential) speech at the DNC on Tuesday night by saying her former rival's wife would make a great First Lady.

After watching Michelle on the podium and under a microscope I�ve got my own little fantasy dream ticket. So what if Obama never considered or vetted or even gave a second thought to Hills as his Veep – even though she�s the only one who makes his poll numbers jump a few points.

Is it too late for two smart women in the White House? I�m starting my own Clinton/Obama ticket and that�s for Hillary and Michelle! Picture the big-brained babes reading Jane Austen and Susan Sontag aloud to one another while enjoying tag-team mani/pedis in the Oval Office.

Oh� don�t burst your veins Obama devotees. I�m pulling the Obama lever come November whether it�s Barack or his wife on the ballot! Alright, enough of that political crap. It�s time to get down to what really makes me tick and that�s celebrity dirt and girl on girl gossip.

Big Gay Ellen Degeneres and her new wife Princess Portia de Rossi continue their reign as the undisputed poster girls for gay marriage with a People magazine spread that puts Vanity Fair to shame. America�s fave Lesbos look like little gay angels in their matching Zac Posen designer duds, Portia in her pale pink halter-back gown and Ellen in three-piece suit.

Recently single and bitter to boot, I must admit that the sight of Ellen and Portia happy, holding each other and touching foreheads in one photo, caused my Grinch heart to grow six times its size before sending me into an �I�m going to die alone,� sob fest and �poor me� shame spiral. But really, a heartfelt and completely un-ironic thanks goes out to Ellen and Portia for following their hearts and putting adorable little faces to the gay marriage movement.

Now here�s a girl whose woes I can get with. It looks as though Queen �O� Lesbos since she was a 10-year-old tomboy with a trucker�s voice in Alice Doesn�t Live Here Anymore, Jodie Foster might have to pony up over a quarter of her fortune to her ex lady friend of 14 years – with whom she�s raised her two boys – Cydney Bernard. Or at least that�s what the Enquirer says. And hey, they got the John Edwards can�t keep it in his pants thing right, so you never know.

So, according to the tabloid of note, the two-timing – I mean two-time – Academy Award winner Jodie, could end up paying $25 million in alimony to her ex Cydney, whom she left for producer Cynthia Mort. Meanwhile, Cydney continues to shack up in one of Jodie�s multi-million dollar homes while receiving a six-figure income from her former paramour, according to the Enquirer. How much cheddah does a girl need?

Cydney/Cynthia� I�m guessing Jodie just says �baby� in the sack. Those names are just too close for comfort, but when you�re Jodie Foster you can likely say whatever the fuck you want. Sure, Jodie�s amassed a fat wad of cash, especially with all of those Freaky Friday and Candleshoe residuals, but $25 mil. is a hell of a lot to pay for pussy. One hyphenated word Jodie� pre-nup!

America�s boob tube darling, the cutest Jenny Craig spokeswoman yet, and the girl who inadvertently helped a generation of budding baby dykes get in touch with their inner lesbo, Valerie Bertinelli is slated to for a return to the small screen. At 48, Val, who doesn�t look a day past her Barbara Cooper days on One Day at a Time, will be starring as a single mom in a TBS sitcom written and directed by Dave Caplan of The Bill Engvall Show, The Drew Carey Show and George Lopez.

A trimmed-down cutie pie Valerie blew the purple socks off of Donny Osmond during an Entertainment Tonight interview when she copped to the world�s most famous Mormon that not only did she drink caffeine back in the day but she snorted coke, cheated on then hubby Eddie Van Halen and basically behaved like a naughty little starlet.

Earlier this year, while promoting her tell-all Losing It: And Gaining My Life Back One Pound at a Time, Val titillated Oprah with tales of a little girl on girl she indulged in while married to Eddie. Val also starred as a lesbian mom in a benchmark custody battle case in the made for TV masterpiece Two Mothers for Zachary. Now, if only it were Marie Osmond who interviewed Val and not Donny, it would have sent lesbian hearts aflutter. Plastic surgery, batshit crazy or not, back in the day, Marie and Val were the hottest pieces of ass on prime-time�

Actress, all-around funny lady and full-on lesbian, Lily Tomlin scuffled over a little weekend bush trimming, according to TMZ. It seems the police were called to Lily�s home when she decided to cut down a pair of eucalyptus trees that sit on an easement shared with her neighbor.

Police turned up and sent the unlicensed tree hackers packing. But Lily�s people issued a statement that the trees were diseased and could magically tip over and kill somebody.

Just like that massive tree that killed Sandy Dennis� lesbian character in the hateful homophobic film The Fox. Hell, I�m inclined to believe ole Lily. Why would Ernestine the operator tell a fib?

That real class act, rapper and former Celebrity Fit Club loser and rumored gay gal Da Brat�s been sentenced to three years in the pokey for nailing a waitress at Atlanta�s Studio 72 nightclub in the head with a rum bottle. There�s no word as to whether the rum bottle was a well brand or a call liquor.

As iconic as she is, file this one under �you can�t make this shit up,� but Batman/Dark Knight director Christopher Nolan has supposedly tapped Cher to play an aging Catwoman in the next installment of the series.

Like a Grizzabella for the comic book geek set, Cher would play Catwoman in her twilight years, coughing up fur balls and slashing at anything that gets near her nip and her treats. And if we�re really lucky, she�ll break into a �Carousel Man� between slashing holes in the Christian Bale�s Bat suit.

Finally, that hot bitch top Tabatha Coffey of Shear Genius is back and doing some shredding of her own in Tabatha�s Salon Takeover, which premiered this week. A thigh-high spiked-heels clad Coffey, wielding a riding crop – okay, so I made that part up – makes over New York and Los Angeles area dumpy salons. Bravo for Bravo for casting out lesbian Coffey in the first BDSM reality show on a major network, that is, unless you count Heidi Klum when she�s on a roll. – Issued by Gay Link Content

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