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Gossip So Good, It's Got To Be Gay

Ross von Metzke | August 18, 2008

Olympic hotties

I suppose with the Olympics dominating the airwaves, it was inevitable I�d dedicate this week�s hottie to an athlete. And while I readily admit the hottest men seem to be from other countries, I just felt that, considering out president made an ass out of himself overseas, I should step in and show some love to an American or two.

Thankfully, Men�s Fitness did most of the work for me.

As Americans sit back in awe as Michael Phelps racks up one gold medal after another – I�d give him one for that bod alone – his teammate Ryan Lochte is getting equal attention for being� well� hot. I shouldn�t leave it at that. A bronze medal is nothing to turn your nose up at� he�s certainly holding his own out there in Beijing.

Doesn�t hurt when guys who look this good are representing the U.S.

Frankly, it makes me want to hop a plane to Beijing and help �em celebrate.

Beyond taking a brief moment to tell the chief of police he has no business commenting on who she is or is not fucking, since getting out of rehab earlier this year and allegedly dating DJ Samantha Ronson, Lindsay Lohan�s been relatively quiet.

And it might have stayed that way had a pap not stopped to ask the starlet how she felt about her sister�s boob job.

Lindsay didn�t like that one bit. She responded on her blog:

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my response simply was, "Did you really just ask me that? She is a 14 year old girl, and you are a pedophile!" i was caught out of nowhere so i didn't really come up with the proper response at the time.. there's many other things that i felt like saying, but why give it to a random guy with a camera so that he can make money!

She went on to say that even if Ali wanted to go out and get boobs, Dina would have none of that.

What if E! paid for them?

Sadly, I�d like to think Lindsay�s right and that Dina wouldn�t let her meal ticket pump silicone into her chest, but that woman just rubs me the wrong way, so I don�t know.

In news for those of you LoRon fans, Lindsay wants to assure you that, �i miss samantha cuz she's out of town."

Awww! I�m sad when the guy who sticks it to me from behind travels too.

In other news you probably could have gone a lifetime without hearing� Ernest Borgnine (yes he�s still with us), who is currently making the talk show circuit to promote his book, Ernie: The Autobiography, claims the secret to staying young is masturbation.

Come again?

If that were true, I�d be a fetus.

Seriously, he turned to some guy on Fox News and said, �I masturbate a lot.� Given the Republican battle camp that is Fox News, the guy probably took it as a come on, handed Ernie the little remote connected to his butt plug and told him to buzz it when they go to commercial.

Not to be completely foul, but does a 91-year-old need to pop a Cialis before he can masturbate. Because seriously, a prescription for Cialis seems like an awful waste if no one else is there to benefit. And I really don�t wanna think about Ernie sitting around watching reruns of Three�s Company for hours on end hoping Chrissy Snow (or if Nick at Night is doing the later years, Cindy Snow) has what it takes to make his limp noodle a manicotte.

He would never jack off to Joyce DeWitt, though� that�s just sick!

Years ago, when Madonna and Cyndi Lauper were both breaking into the biz, Rolling Stone predicted that Madge was just a flash in the pan and Cyndi Lauper was poised to become an international superstar. Not that I begrudge Cyndi her successes, but I think it�s fairly clear who the bigger name is.

By Cyndi�s a class act – not one ounce of bitterness to her.

In fact, on the eve of Madonna�s 50th birthday – and in an ironic reminder she�s not that girl from Desperately Seeking Susan, she�s nursing a busted ankle – Cyndi took a second out to speak to the energy and the spirit that have kept Madonna on top of the music industry for so many years.

Just, before you watch, one question... exactly how deep in Brooklyn does Cyndi live (and does anyone know if she actually still lives there), cuz beyond Fran Drescher, I don't know anyone who's accent's that thick!

Seroiusly, I love it, but I'd hate to hear her sob story after three martinis. I'd have to make her write it down.

Sorry, Cyndi – she�s still not doing True Colors.

Those Chinese Olympic officials – seemingly proud of their decision to hide the average looking 7-year-old with the angelic voice from public view so a more polished (and precious) 9-year-old could mouth the words for viewers at home – have some �splaining to do. The Associated Press has apparently stumbled upon a document from Chinese government news agency Xinhua in which pint sized gymnast He Kexin�s age is listed as 13.

If it�s true and the AP can prove it, that would disqualify the Chinese team from competition and the gold medal would go to the U.S. Not that I really wanna find out what happens to little He if they wind up losing their medals! You know her teammates would totally refuse to play with her on the playground at recess.

And seriously – forget what her teammates are gonna do to her. If she really wants to be scared, she should take a second gander at that Alicia Sacramone. Seriously – that bitch is scary as hell. Earlier this week, we found a video of her knocking one of her much taller, much more masculine classmates to the ground. Check it out

And finally, in what has been an admittedly a weak week in gossip (why oh why did all of those celebutantes have to go and clean their acts up), the pastor�s wife who was accused of bitch-slapping the hell out of flight attendant and giving her hemorrhoids has been cleared� of the hemorrhoids part, that is.

"It's a great vindication and shows us the faithfulness of God," pastor Joel Osteen said after a jury ruled his wife hadn�t caused the hemorrhoids.

That may be – but has anybody stopped to talk to Victoria Osteen about the proper way to handle a stain on a seat in first class that hasn�t been cleaned up properly. Hint: You don�t smack the flight attendant and give her an elbow to the tit.

And somehow, I highly doubt God had much to do with any of this.

That�s all this week folks�until we meet again, take some time to stop and smell the gossip! – Issued by Gay Link Content

  • Ross von Metzke is the Entertainment Editor of Gay Web Monkey and GayWired.com. The former Editor in Chief of Xodus Magazine, his work has appeared in YM, Performing Arts, The San Diego Union Tribune, Entertainment Weekly, Instinct and Link. Ross lives in Los Angeles.

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