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This week in the world of lesbian gossip


Tracy E. Gilchrist | August 15, 2008

Lucy Lawless, Angelina Jolie

Spandex, tank tops and sweat oh my! It�s the dog days of the summer and hot-assed, world class athletes are flexing all in the pool, on the bike, on the balance beam and more. It�s enough to make the laziest of lezzies want to slap on the old Speedo and get in a few strokes.

Meanwhile, most of us gay girls will fantasize couch side and perhaps hit the carpet for a few ab crunches out of sheer guilt while leering at swimming�s Natalie Coughlin lapping up her Gold.

From beach volleyball�s ubiquitous girl-on-girl ass-slapping to the sucking sound of Dara Torres pulling her wet Speedo away from her breasts, hot-bodied babes aren�t the only reason to sit glassy-eyed before the tube for hours on end.

There�s the thrill of watching Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh pat each other�s behind with each winning point and the agony of sitting through one of ESPN commentator, with the lesbian lisp truck driver�s voice, Mary Carillo�s double entendre laced Chinese culture lessons. I mean really?

What God-fearing straight broad would make not one – but two – beaver jokes during a cultural piece on the Great Wall of China and one of its dams? Two beaver jokes really. We get it Mary. You�re a fan of the Beav! And by The Beav, I don�t mean Jerry Mathers.

While small-screen junkies had better love the Olympics or fuck off for the next week and a half, Smokin' Spaniard Penelope Cruz sizzles on the big screen in two critically acclaimed performances. Not only does Salma Hayek�s erstwhile BFF and rumored – but sadly not true – lover Penelope, bang everything in sight in Vicky Cristina Barcelona, including lip-locking and loads of innuendo with Scarlett Johansson, but Pretty Penny�s bed-hopping with Sir Ben Kingsley in Elegy, now in limited release.

Apparently, Penny�s cashing in on her Volver star turn with a pair of spot-on performances but it�s in Woody Allen�s love letter to the Spanish city by the sea in Vicky Cristina that Penny really pours it on as a fiery, pansexual artist and heartbreaker in which a m�nage et trois with her real life boyfriend Javier Bardem and full-lipped and fuller-racked ScarJo, is implied.

Now, for anyone who�s never engaged in the confusing, everybody�s chasing someone else�s tail, dynamic of three-way, Penny and ScarJo are proof positive they don�t work. Nerdy, lesbian-obsessed, bespectacled horny boy journalists and lesbian-obsessed lesbians alike have had one thing on their minds when it comes to Woody�s latest opus. And that�s the thirty-second blue-balls inducing Penny/ScarJo smooch. Sick of answering the prurient question about kissing ScarJo's pert mouth Penny said, �Really, Scarlett and I have run out of lines to say about that.�

Meanwhile, Scarlett�s playing to her fan base and telling folks she much preferred kissing Salma�s squeeze Penny to Jonathan Rhys Meyer�s scratchy beard in Match Point. Rewind a few years and Penny waxed randy to the press about how her favorite on-screen snog wasn�t with her ex-beard Tom Cruise or with perennially shirtless stoner Matthew Mcconaughey. Penny exclaimed "Can I say Charlize Theron?" and then Penny oohed �Yes, Charlize, Charlize, Charlize.� Now that's what I�m talking about.

A three-way between these celluloid darlings could be mighty unfulfilling. Scarlett wants to kiss Penny, Penny wants to kiss Charlize and it�s anyone�s bet who Charlize wants to liplock. Perhaps it�s neither of them. I say, for good measure, toss in Charlize�s Monster paramour Cristina Ricci and Penny�s girl Salma Hayek and let them have at it in a big ole pretty girl daisy chain.

Angelina Jolie of the Holy Order of Pornographically Hot Lips need not pack nine inches of silicone to prove she�s more man than Tom Cruise. Variety reports producers are courting Angie to play the lead role in the espionage thriller Edwin A. Salt, originally a Tom Cruise vehicle.

But when Ange expressed interest in getting more of her action on in the thriller, producers licked her spiked heeled ass-kicking boots and vowed to retrofit the role for her. Hmmm. Perhaps Hollywood can erase Tommy Boy entirely and dub Angie into all of his roles. Angelina and Kelly McGillis in Top Gun has a nice ring to it! Talk about �Take My Breath Away.�

In addition to birthing two more of the worlds� most beautiful babies whilst single-handedly saving orphaned children worldwide and landing a role typically reserved for the Hollywood Boys� Club, John McCain�s and Barack Obama�s campaigns have begged for Santa Angelina�s blessing – I mean endorsement. Now that she�s the salve that cures all ills, when does Angelina�s faith-healing tent revival tour begin?

Are Ugly Betty�s britches too big for The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants press tour? For a girl who plays America�s most lovable nerd on Ugly Betty, lil' America Ferrera sure had her Mean Girl on for a Traveling Pants interview at which co-star Blake Lively waxed incoherently on about her show Gossip Girl, at some dumbass reporter�s behest no less. During Blake�s Gossip Girl diatribe America lets loose with the best �I could give a fuck about this stupid ass show,� look, followed by a priceless eye roll.

Perhaps America�s recent Betty co-star the Lush, the Lezzie, Lindsay Lohan is teaching her how to ramp up the bitch factor. It�s just a matter of time before America terrorizes the staff at Chateau Marmot for a year before going on an Ambien, Grey Goose, coke and Red Bull infused spree down Sunset Boulevard, crashes her Benz, flees the scene, spends half a minute in the clink and then spirals head-long into a full-on lezzie love affair with a skinny-assed disc jockey to the stars!

Hold on to your Xena boxed set girls! Lucy Lawless and Renee O�Connor are slated to co-star in a good old-fashioned exploitation film ala Russ Meyers. And after all these years Lucy�s still the top! The once upon a sword wielding, breast-plated duo will don new fetish wear to play Mother Superior and Sister Batrille in the film that also co-stars former Dante�s Cove star Erin Cummings and Hercules� alumna Kevin Sorbo.

A myriad of arrested development afflicted nerds, including Bitch Slap�s writing/directing duo, Rick Jacobson and Eric Gruendemann, gathered at Comic Con in late July to discuss the film's artistic merit. Big guns, bigger boobs, bitch slaps and some girl-on-girl. That sounds about right! Sadly for the Lucy and Renee devotees, the girl-on-girl doesn�t appear to involve them.

Just when you thought Hollywood couldn�t bastardize another classic, NBC has ordered up a small screen version of the iconic, Michelle Pfeiffer, Susan Sarandon and Cher drool-fest, The Witches of Eastwick. Sure� the blond, the redhead and the brunette, respectively, all lusted after Jack Nicholson�s devil�s fat gut in the 1987 flick but for budding gay girls in the eighties, the three women made for some sweet eye candy.

Who the devil are they going to cast for this? How about Courteney Cox in the Cher role, Heather Graham as the Michelle Pfeiffer character and Mad Men�s Christina Hendrick�s in the Susan Sarandon role. Other than Cristina, the other two haven�t had a hit in ages, and Mad Men�s a short season. Cristina�s young. She can fit in another show.

Just when you thought your Itty Bitty Titty�s had gotten enough play, the star-studded lesbo flick is just about out on DVD. POWER UP's first feature-length production, Itty Bitty Titty Committee, directed by But I�m a Cheerleader�s Jamie Babbit, gets its big DVD release in September.

Itty Bitty�s high-energy ride, teeming with eye candy cast members, Riot Grrl aesthetics and revolutionary ideals. Lesbos and just plain luminaries alike, including Guinevere Turner, The L Word�s Daniela Sea – as the most irresistible hitchhiker since Brad Pitt in Thelma and Louise – Carly Pope, Clea Duvall, Jenny Shimizu, Melanie Mayron and Melanie Lynskey join a smoking cast of relative newcomers, including stars Melonie Diaz and Nicole Vicius in a sexy attempt to start the next revolution or at least the next feminist bra burner!

Check out a promo for the film. – Issued by Gay Link Content

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Lindsay – the Lush, the Lezzie

 

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