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Media Blender

This week in the world of lesbian gossip

Tracy E. Gilchrist | August 08, 2008

Lindsay – the Lush, the Lezzie

It�s August and lesbian brides are busting out all over! Since she went on an Ambien, Grey Goose, Red Bull and coke-infused cocktail at Chateau Marmot nearly two years ago, Lindsay Lohan the Lush, the Lezzie has been the gift that keeps on giving and she still fails to disappoint.

But with stories that she and her DJ to the stars and gay girl piece of ass Samantha Ronson are rumored to be on the verge of hunkering down in Topanga Canyon in a craftsman style home with two cats, an endless supply of lavender tea, an Indigo Girls� record collection and a pair of mellow pussy�s as a newly minted California Queer married couple, I�m beginning to lose my faith.

Lately, it seems that endlessly fascinating – at least to me – Linds and Sam are weekly Media Blender fodder and for those who are sick of staring at Sam�s mess of a haircut and Linds� eighties-era leggings, I apologize. But who knew that a full-on girl-on-girl fling would help Lindsay lay off the booze the pills, the drugs, the jailtime and the revolving door of dumbass dudes? I mean, I�ve been getting my girl-on-girl on for longer than I care to admit and I haven�t settled down a bit. Or maybe that means I'm verging on slutty... oh well.

Mind you, our little Mean Girl might be all grown up. If there's were anyone left on the planet who hasn't heard or gives a fuck, Los Angeles Police Chief William Bratton outed Lindsay for good in an on-air interview regarding the Los Angeles City Council�s hearings on how to tame LA�s rabid paparazzi.

LA�s biggest bad-ass cop basically gave the supply and demand answer to the paparazzi problem and placed the blame squarely on Hollywood�s bad girls. Because, you know boys will be boys and when a drunken Shia Lebeouf harasses hapless Walgreens employees or he flips his car in a DUI, he�s just a regular guy.

Anyway, here�s what Bratton said about the three previously sans panties princesses of the bared Beaver!

�If you notice, since Britney [Spears] started wearing clothes and behaving; Paris [Hilton] is out of town not bothering anybody anymore, thank God, and evidently, Lindsay Lohan has gone gay, we don�t seem to have much of an issue [with the paparazzi],� Bratton said.

Now Linds and Sam are in a war of words with Bratton and perhaps Linds is still scarred from the half minute she spent in the cooler on charges of God knows what – slamming her drug-filled Benz into a wall on Sunset Blvd., fleeing the scene, scaling a wall in Beverly Hills, etc – but when TMZ reporters caught up with the divinely dyked out couple at LAX last week, Linds let us down and spoke like a true lady.

�Police chiefs shouldn�t get involved in everyone else�s business when it comes to their personal life. It�s inappropriate,� Lindsay said without raising her voice above a mid-sex �don�t stop. No, right there, please don�t stop,� type of whisper. Where�s the girl who shredded Ashley Olsen last spring for attempting to chat with Sam, shouting at the mini mogul, �Get your 15-year-old Full House ass away from my girlfriend?�

Where�s the girl who supposedly practically ran over a teen fan and her mother and then flipped them off while exiting Teddy�s nightclub at the Roosevelt Hotel a couple of years back? Where did our little girl go? Really though� good on Lindsay and Sam. They make a charming pair of old married Lesbos.

But Lindsay�s not the only Hollywood gay girl who�s settling down. Iconic nerd, Welcome to the Dollhouse's "Weinerdog" Heather Matarazzo and her girlfriend of about a year, Carolyn Murphy, announced their pending nuptials the Hollywood way last week, through a publicist of course.

Heather�s a hard-working, sweet nerd who�s had some pretty cute co-stars. She starred in The Princess Diaries with a blossoming Anne Hathaway and in Saved with a budding Mandy Moore. No wonder Heather's a big homo.

For The L Word�s fourth, rather forgettable – did I just blaspheme? – fourth season, Heather starred as Mia Kirshner�s – bat-shit crazy in a hot way – Jenny Shecter�s nemesis, Curve reporter Stacy Merkin.

Now Heather�s playing Crutch, the quirky-song-writing, crappy-guitar-playing, ostensible Phoebe of Logo's Lesbo sitcom Exes and Ohs.

Congrats to Heather and Carolyn, whose publicist says the happy couple proposed to each other. First Heather proposed and then Carolyn. It�s so adorable� blah, blah, blah. But I'm not bitter... Can you ladies please just stop living your happy lives and get to working on your lesbian TV series so I can live vicariously through them? I haven�t had a hot Bette Porter dream in at least a month.

On the subject of young Hollywood, Dame Dolly Parton of the Royal Order of Big-Boobed and Bigger Hearted Babes, played LA�s Greek Theater Sunday and brought a little love and light into everybody�s life. Sporting her heaving cleavage in a bedazzled white pseudo-tux, Dolly, the woman whose heart�s as big as her cup size, reached out to Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears.

�Poor little Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan. Ain't it awful? If those little girls slept with as many men as they say in the tabloids, why their little butts would have more fingerprints than the FBI!" Well Dolly they might not have slept with that many guys but hell, I�d still whip out the Purel and use it as lip-gloss before I snogged either one.

Dolly, in all of her blonde locked, overly made-up, gorgeous glory added, �I kinda feel sorry for them. We should give those two a break." Anything you say Dolly! You�re our Backwoods Barbie!

When Hairspray half-pint Nikki Blonsky sang �I Can Hear the Bells,� in the big-screen, overblown musical version of John Waters� opus, she wasn�t singing about the bell between boxing rounds, but that didn�t stop her from throwing down in a trashy airport brawl with America�s Next Top Model contestant Bianca Golden.

Nikki, her family and their luggage supposedly camped out in the Providenciales International Airport lounge at the Turks Caicos Islands taking up loads of space when Bianca and her brood came along looking for a spot to land.

That's when all hell broke loose over whose fat-ass was going to sit where, and a full-on family feud ensued. Generally bright and shiny Nikki turned up in court the next morning sporting a neck brace. She and Bianca were arrested for assault and set free on $6,000 bail each.

Meanwhile Nikki�s father Carl Blonsky�s on a chain gang in a Turks Caicos prison until Aug. 8 for beating on Bianca�s mom Elaine Golden, who was flown to a hospital in south Florida for head wounds. Good Lord. Where the hell is Queen Latifah peacefully protesting in a blonde up-do when you need her?

Fiery Cuban babe Eva Mendes� breasts are too hot for television and YouTube� apparently. A new ad for Calvin Klein�s Secret Obsession, featuring Eva rolling around buck on her bed sheets, chestnut hair flowing around her face and shoulders, with the silhouette of her perfectly formed ass� Sorry, I got side-tracked.

But really, Eva�s bared-nipple Secret Obsession ad has been banned by prudes countrywide. A lucky few several hundred thousand YouTubers caught the nipple action before the video was yanked but the rest of us will just have to imagine. Did Eva learn nothing from Janet Jackson? Nipples frighten repressed old white men whose Hamptons� houses are paid for by advertisers.

Meanwhile, in movie news, Eva�s starring in a three-way Lesbo love affair with Natasha Alam and Jada Pinkett Smith in the, what promises to be an interesting remake of George Cukor�s classic snappy comedy, The Women.

In a rather tawdry interview with Steppin' Out�s Chaunce Hayden, Natasha said of her character, �I cheat on Jada with Eva Mendes. We do a scene where the paparazzi catch me and Eva making out. I really got to make out with her! It was so great! She�s so beautiful and so sexy. She was so easy. It was like I knew her all my life when I met her. It made kissing her so easy. Plus, she�s so pleasant to kiss. Her lips are so soft and beautiful. Her curves are just so inviting.� Jeez Natasha, thanks for the soft-core erotica during my work day!

And if that weren�t enough, Natasha continued the dirty talk saying it wasn't the first time she lip-locked a woman.

�I�ve experimented before. On a scale from one to 10 I would give Eva a definite 10 when it comes to kissing. I get the feeling I wasn�t Eva�s first time kissing a woman judging by how good she was at it. I�ve heard stories. So I don�t think I�m her first.� And judging by Natasha�s enthusiasm, it�s a pretty safe bet that Eva sure as hell won't be Natasha's last.

Speaking of nudie cuties... has Mary Louise Parker made a deal with the devil? At age 44, America's hottest MILF's got abs and an ass so tight, the bad girls at the local sorority house could use either surface for a innocent game of strip quarters. Here's a little MLP in Esquire.

This week on Weeds, Mary Louise stripped down and showed off her assets, full-frontal nips and all. So what if her character, weed dealing Nancy Botwin was engaged in a little rough sex with a testosterone-laden kingpin drug trafficker? Good for MLP, past 40 and flashing the goods in Hollywood. Along with Kyra Sedgwick and Holly Hunter the over 40 female set might just steal Hollywood back from the shlubby nerdy boys! – Issued by Gay Link Content

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