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This week in the world of lesbian gossip

Tracy E. Gilchrist | August 01, 2008

A new Rocky?!

Here�s your down and dirty, shotgun Blender, because here in LaLa Land, we�re way loopy from this week's 5.4 – or whatever the hell it was but it was damned big – earthquake! And it�s taking me all day to write. At work we were swaying in the penthouse of our snazzy building in Westwood 18 floors up, with nary a martini or a Zanax in sight, when the trembler hit. I mean, where�s Lesbo Lindsay Lohan with her Grey Goose and Ambien cocktail when you need her?

And like the stereotypical lesbian I occasionally am, more than anything, I�m anxious to get home and check that my cat didn�t decide to take a flying leap through the sliding glass door and into the pool, or starve himself hunkering down under the Ikea couch for the better part of the day in the wake of Mother Nature�s big middle finger to all of the Hollywood heathens.

So first off, is it me? Or was Natalie Portman a power hungry, if not damned good looking, bitch on wheels on Project Runway this week? Nat turned up on Bravo�s gayest show – which on Bravo is no easy feat – as a guest judge representing young Hollywood style mavens. While Nat�s impeccable fashion sense is irrefutable, her poker face sure is. Natalie�s conciliatory smile for the Runway contestants who bombed was so obviously forced, she made perma-stick-up-her-ass Nina Garcia look as happy as Richard Simmons. Nina is an Oscar contender next to Natalie.

Star of The Other Boleyn Girl, in which she played a conniving, duplicitous Anne Boleyn, it seems that Ms. Portman might have been just playing her true colors, because when it came to these hapless Runway contestants, Nat was heartless. And it was kind of hot!

Charged to create a youthful cocktail dress worthy of Hollywood sluts on a night out at one of Tinseltown�s multitude of trendy, be-seen spots, the contestants did their best with a myriad of hideous, ecologically-friendly fabrics that their models picked.

When all was said and done, openly bi-sexual, faux-hawk sporting, annoyingly referring to himself in the third person, Suede, won the day with a nod of approval from Natalie who could just as easily been perched on a throne beside King Henry VIII calling for heads to roll. But Queen Portman�s shimmering moment of pure, unadulterated, no bullshit, came when she critiqued rocker chick Stella�s dress by merely giving a cool, if not bitchy, �I�m not really into asymmetrical stuff.� No spoonful of sugar to help the medicine go down there.

Ahhh, The View. Now that my fave Hollywood former Lindsay Lohan has settled down like an old dyke with an afghan, a cat, a Joni Mitchell album collection and a pot of lavender-infused tea, The View is the new gift that keeps on giving! Without getting into the gory details of the hot�uber-born again�mess that is Sherri Shepherd, or the ultra-conservative, semi-attractive Elisabeth Hasselbeck, we�ll just stick to ole girl Whoopi Goldberg.

While dual dumbasses Sherri and Lil Lezzie – Lissy – interrogated cutie – pie Katy Perry, about her infectious tunes, �I Kissed a Girl,� and �Ur So Gay,� Whoopi decided to diffuse the situation by planting an adorable smooch on Katy�s lips. I'm quite certain Whoops has been around the block a time or two, but the old girl�s got to get some new moves. She planted one on Katy like she was Celie kissing Shug Avery in The Color Purple 25 years ago. Regardless, Whoopi�s kiss, as a diversion, thankfully shut Sherri and Elisabeth up and Katy got on with her song.

Grey�s Anatomy fans and gay ladies rejoice! It seems the season finale girl-on-girl make-out session between Sara Ramirez�s Callie and Brooke Smith�s Erica, was no one-off following a sexy day of slaving over sick people. According to the show�s producer/creator/guru, Shonda Rhimes, Callie and Erica will enjoy a full-on storyline. There�s no dream-sequence, hit-on-the-head amnesia storyline that makes them suddenly, irreversibly straight, in play. These characters are full-on into each other and Grey�s intends to explore it. Besides, let's face it. Sara kissing a girl – just about any girl – is good for ratings.

Occasionally the tail wags the dog and according to Shonda, the girl-on-girl storyline is an organic extension of the connection between Sara and Brooke. "Sara is just a fabulously comedic actress and has so much to give, and post-George I felt like she was searching for something," Rhimes said. "She and Erica together – Callie and Erica together – seemed to have a lot of interesting chemistry and dynamic. And we really did start them out as being friends, and it felt like there was something more there – the same kind of chemistry that I saw between, say, Christina and Burke, before Christina and Burke got together, [so] that I wanted to play it and see what happened with it."

I�ll be honest and in admitting this, and I feel a bit like Seinfeld�s Elaine admitting she abhorred The English Patient, but mostly, Grey�s cast bores the crap out of me and that's including T.R. Knight, Katherine Heigl, Ellen Pompeo, Patrick Dempsey and Eric Dane. I'm yawning just thinking about it. But, if the show were Sara, Brooke and Sandra Oh stranded on an island following a plane crash, I�d be more apt to watch... but the rest of the cast is like a mega-dose of melatonin. But good on Grey�s� for getting its girl/girl on.

Empress Angelina Jolie and her man Brad Pitt have picked a godfather for their precious twin Angels. And it doesn�t get much closer to God – or someone who wields God�s omnipresence and power – than Bono, who�s won the coveted title! The role of godmother is still up for debate but rumors are swirling that Angie wanted her old flame, Dante�s Cove star, whom Angie fell for during the classic Foxfire, Jenny Shimizu, to don her leather motorcycling chaps and jacket and swear eternal allegiance to the little darlings at their christening.

Something tells me that�s just a little Internet rumor because, while Jenny�s lovely and all, she�s no Bono. Angie and Brad should be banging down Oprah�s door to play God Mama if they want someone to hold a candle to Bono's philanthropy. Because Oprah's already a god to gazillions of bored housewives worldwide!

Just a note that Mad Men is back for a second season on AMC. The show may tout its masculine characters as slick, ad men who rule the roost but it�s all about the women! Here�s a tip of the typewriter ribbon to Christina Hendricks, January Jones, Elisabeth Moss and Maggie Siff, who bring smart and sexy to a show that skewers early sixties ultra-hetero culture and rigid role playing. And frankly are helping me form a girdle fetish. Here they are in Vanity Fair... sans the boys.

Finally, like the earth-shattering quake that rocked my world this week, Hollywood has sent up yet another signal that Armageddon is nigh! MTV is currently working on a bastardized version of the cult classic that helped expedite my queerdom, dressing like a freak and throwing popcorn at midnight showings of The Rocky Horror Picture Show in the late eighties. Variety reports that the network is planning a remake, replete with new music. It's a sacrilege against camp and queers everywhere to touch Rocky Horror.

Folks have widely speculated on the casting but I�m gunning for an all L Word remake of Rocky Horror, if whe have to have one. Here�s my casting agent expertise at work. Shane as Riff Raff, Alice as Colombia, Kit as Magenta, Tina as Janet, Max as Brad, Jenny as Dr. Scott and we�d have to bring back Dana as Rocky.

And of course Bette would star as Tim Curry�s Frankenfurter, because Jennifer Beals� transcendent sexuality makes her universally fuckable. – Issued by Gay Link Content

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