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Ross von Metzke | July 28, 2008

Some British beef

You know – it�s been a while since we�ve put a Brit on the countdown. And since our economy is in the toilet and the closests I�ll be getting to London any time soon is when TBS reruns Love Actually 17 times in a row come Xmas, I thought I�d bring a bit of the UK to us.

I thought you might thank me, because it doesn�t get much hotter than James Dawson Martin.

The perfectly toned, gorgeous model is equally at home posing for bodybuilding publications or walking the red carpet.

And while much of what he does includes very little clothing, we�ve got to say he cleans up quite nice with some designer threads too.

James is seriously making a name for himself in the modeling world, so remember that face.

And those abs.

I�ll just let you look – he�s rendering me speechless.

Credit Christian Bale with one thing – it�s taken him 34 years, a slew of A-list projects and two Batman movies to get his name smeared across the tabloids. But the hunky actor finally experienced the pitfalls of fame when he was arrested for alleged assault. The call to police was made by his mom and his sister.

Reports on the incident have been varied – everyone seems to agree that Bale didn�t actually physically attack anyone, but that the assault was verbal. Dude, if cussing gets you tossed in the slammer in the UK, I�d better steer clear.

Apparently, the latest reports suggest Bale�s all but estranged mother demanded $200,000 from the actor for help in raising his sister�s kids. That�s a drop in the bucket for Batman at this point, but apparently, when he turned her down, she laid into his �slut� wife. Damn – that�s hard core. No wonder Bale allegedly ditched his mom when he was a teen and moved to LA to live with his dad, make Empire of the Sun and Newsies.

Funny thing is, when word broke that Bale had allegedly beaten up his mom and sis, a whole lot of homos around me said things like, �he can kick my ass anyday of the week�, or, �for a man like that, I�d give him the first punch.�

I wanna be like, �Um� have you seen what happens to a bitch when Bale beats her ass? Rent American Psycho. Pay no attention to the eight-pack and just watch where he sticks that coat hanger.� Ouch.

Of course, those bloggers who wanna liken him to the next tragically fated actor in the vein of Heath Ledger have latched on to this quote: "Everyone loses their shit on occasions, don�t they? Like, �Oh God, what demon possessed me to do that?' My wife gets to live with a variety of men. Some of them she likes, some of them she doesn�t. There are ones people like and others that they say, �Man we�re glad you�re finished with that project. You were an asshole�.�

Eh – that sounds more like Anne Heche coming off Six Days, Seven Nights to me.

No sooner has Brad Pitt packed Angelina Jolie and the twins up with the rest of their brood in their family sized Chevy Astro mini van does word hit the streets that Angie may have enlisted the help of in-vetro to bring her two newborns into the world.

Wasn�t all that long ago Angelina said she�d never intended on having any kids. What the hell happened? Brother needs a bone marrow transplants and Angie�s growing the replacement?

Hell, I can�t blame her. If Brad could get me pregnant, I�d carry his kid. Course, I�d wanna do it the old fashioned way. Five times a night – and I�d make him wear that battle gear from Troy and throw me down in a tent somewhere on a fur rug.

Brad and Angelina should take all the cash they pocket from the sale of their baby pics, adopt as many kids as possible and hand em� out as X-mas gifts. Can�t you just see it now?

Cheers Jenny Shmizu –
Sorry I�m no longer letting you play with my muff. Here�s something to remember me by.
– Angie

Brad can hand one off to John Mayer and have him present it to Jennifer Aniston in lieu of flowers. Pure genius.

Now that Christopher Ciccone is telling all, the flood gates have opened for every D-list has-been to pen their memoirs. How else could you explain some publisher actually giving Screech a book deal?

Yes, folks, Dustin Diamond, who played Screech for like 36 years, is getting ready to tell all. Oh� maybe he can tell us if Mark-Paul Gosselaar and Tiffani Amber Theissen ever got caught fucking off the set of The Maxx. Maybe he�s got insight into what they stuffed into Slater�s gym shorts to give �em that extra bulge. Wonder if he ever gave Lisa Turtle a Dirty Sanchez.

Filthy beast. He probably used the book advance to buy a couple of hookers and pay a film crew for a new sex tape.

Nobody wants to see Screech�s sex tape.

Why don�t people like Cristiano Ronaldo have sex tapes?

Seriously, beer battered legs and all, I would totally pay $5.99 to download streaming video of him porking some Hawaiian Tropic model. Hell, as long as he�s on crutches, he�s even got a gimmick.

Here�s a pic of Cristiano shopping earlier this week. For a split sec I thought that was Rihanna.

And file this one under dumb bitch of the week, what the fuck is Sherri Shephard doing talking about her marathon of abortions that led her to Christianity? Don�t nobody wanna hear about that shit.

Sherri told reporters at Precious Times (which frankly just sounds like some message board where cast offs from I Love New York and Flava of Love go to fight) she was simply intending to take some of the guilt away from women who�ve had an abortion. She says she regrets her past lifestyle and was just trying to illustrate that as long as you�re good with God, you can get past the shame in your life.

Sounds like fodder for the pro lifers to me. I mean, hell – how many abortions a girl gotta have before she learns how to bag it up? Seriously, accidents happen, but you don�t just run out and have an abortion like it�s Airborne. �Oh lord, I sneezed. Better pop a tab.� Girl, one abortion (maybe two) is all you need before logic kicks in. Unless fertile myrtle just has this magical nether region that renders condoms pointless. Lame.

And that�s all she wrote this week, folks� til we meet again. – Issued by Gay Link Content

  • Ross von Metzke is the Entertainment Editor of Gay Web Monkey and GayWired.com. The former Editor in Chief of Xodus Magazine, his work has appeared in YM, Performing Arts, The San Diego Union Tribune, Entertainment Weekly, Instinct and Link. Ross lives in Los Angeles.

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