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Gossip So Good, It's Got To Be Gay


Ross von Metzke | July 21, 2008

�Where�s the beef?�

I have a pretty simple answer: Right here!

I�m not in the habit of running hotties a mere day after one of our brother websites runs them, but with a tip of the hat to the fine editors at Queerty, model Matthew "Jett" Schaffer is just too hot to pass up.

Using the name Jett in gigs because he�s a pilot – which unto itself is hot – this towering slab of beef was discovered by the late Gianni Versace in 1996 in Miami (because isn�t that where all good American models get their start).

Fast forward a decade, and he�s still going strong� from fitness to fashion, Matthew is one of the few models who can move seamlessly between both.

For your viewing pleasure, another photo you can sink your teeth into.

Alrighty, now lets get on to some gossip.

While Christopher Ciccone makes the rounds speculating on his sister Madonna's marriage and promoting his not quite tell-all tell-all, the material girl is fast readying her world tour, and if rumors are to be believed, both Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake will play a part.

That�s huge. Pinky and Stinky haven�t been together since before Mama Spears got knocked up and Justin went all Hollywood leading man on us. Whether or not they�ll actually be together now remains to be seen.

Here�s what we know.

Britney Spears, it would seem, has been recording videos for Madonna�s tour. Since Brit can�t actually stumble onto a stage and dance a coherent routine anymore, she�s popping up in a video homage to her career, appearing mummified on screen with Madge for a mash up of �The Beat Goes On� and �Piece of Me.�

Meanwhile, Justin Timberlake is gearing up to appear with Madonna on a few tour stops.

"I'm'a goin' get my man back, y'all."

So here�s what I�m thinking. Madonna should totally invite Justin to perform with her on her L.A. stop and then sneak an invite to Britney in the mail saying she�s longed for the opportunity to bump uglies one last time and would she be a dear and come pantyless to the stage door of the Staples Center for a little rehearsal time before curtain�s up. Change Britney into some hooker garb, push her out on stage and let magic take it�s course.

She does that and you�d finally get me to drop a couple hundred bucks on tickets to her concert.

Meanwhile, as Madonna busies herself playing matchmaker, Sarah Jessica Parker debuted a new look – a new �moleless� look.

Much like Enrique Iglesias before her, Carrie Bradshaw popped up at an event earlier this week missing the little skin tag that�s adorned her chin since long before Square Pegs. It�s amazing how much of a ruckus one little piece of skin can cause. Now I�m sure (or at least would be reasonably confident assuming) that at this point in her career, Sarah didn�t do it for cosmetic reasons� more like a precaution after a doctor�s appt. But that won�t stop the blogs from raking her over the coals.

I mean, it�s not like Sarah was pulling a Barbara Streisand – leaving her mole alone because she was afraid it would affect her singing voice; defying the American public to gaze upon her Jewish mole and see beauty, not beast.

Now if SJP ever goes out and gets botox, a nose job, breast implants and a chin tuck, you�ll know she had a mid-life crisis at 43 (or saw the un photoshopped version of Sex & the City: The Movie) and made a beeline for the nearest surgeon.

As long as we�re on the topic of stupidity, get this. Some raging bitch who sent an email to Perez Hilton calling him a �fat gay pig� and Angelina Jolie a �fag lover� is now suing the blogger for $25 million because he posted her email, prompting an outcry of enraged emails sent directly to her.

Oh, did I mention the dumb ass sent her original email from her work address?

Well, Diane Wargo got fired from her job at the Menorah Park Center for Senior Living – because apparently they don�t like liberal use of the word �fag� flying through their spam filters – and now she claims it�s Perez�s fault.

She says that Perez violated his own privacy policy by posting the email and that the verbal attacks that were sent in response scared her employers into letting her go!

I should say so. You�ve gotta live a pretty long, rough life to wind up in a nursing home. The last thing some old lady in the final years of her life needs is some angry, computer geek getting a mouthful from Perez on her lunch break so she�s all good and riled up when she comes in to change her feeding tube. Methodone for lunch, anyone?

Anyhoo, Diane wants us to feel for her – she thinks her language was justified and to hell with anyone who tries to say otherwise.

Bitch should pair up with Andy Dick, because he�s one sick fuck.

The gay as the day is long bisexual comic got himself in trouble with the law again when he got good n� sloppy, grabbed some 17-year-old�s tank top and pulled it down to her waist.

Now I admit – I enjoy a good game of untie the bikini top as much as the next guy. But I sure as hell don�t do it to minors I don�t know. Let alone in hick country!

Andy then apparently pissed in front of the BBQ restaurant/bar, hopped in a trush and tried to flee the scene. No such luck, cuz the cops showed up, stood Andy in a line-up of men and let the girl and the friend point him out.

Andy was found with Xanax and Marijuana in his pocket. That�s a step up for Andy. It wasn�t too long ago he plowed his car into a tree and fled the scene because he was hopped up on crack-cocaine.

Seriously, is it that hard for Andy to find someone who�ll fuck him? Because that�s the only thing that would make me that fucked in the head – not getting poked for a couple of years. Lack of sex�ll do that to a man.

He should swing by Kathy Griffin�s reality show� he could teach her a thing or two about what life�s like on the F-list.

And finally, in breakup news, looks like Jimmy Kimmel liked his bedroom romp with Ben Affleck a bit too much – he and girlfriend of 5 years Sarah Silverman are going their separate ways.

I�m actually glad. I mean, Sarah�s funny, but I think I�ve had my fill of �Jimmy�s balls� jokes for a lifetime.

Hey, maybe now, Sarah can really hit the sheet with Matt Damon. I could hear all about Matt�s balls til� the cows come home.

Until next time – remember, take some time to stop and smell the gossip! – Issued by Gay Link Content

  • Ross von Metzke is the Entertainment Editor of Gay Web Monkey and GayWired.com. The former Editor in Chief of Xodus Magazine, his work has appeared in YM, Performing Arts, The San Diego Union Tribune, Entertainment Weekly, Instinct and Link. Ross lives in Los Angeles.

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