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Gossip So Good, It's Got To Be Gay

Ross von Metzke | July 14, 2008

A South African hottie

We�re not exactly ageist or anything, but we do try and keep teenagers out of our hottie list – you know, just to be safe. OK, so we made an exception for Zac Efron, but hasn�t everyone?

So imagine my surprise when I came to find that this huge hunk of man meat Towle Road has been touting all week is 19 years old. They sure can build �em in South Africa.

Paul Bester is a buff, toned rugby player who now makes his home in Marietta, GA. And like so many a studly jock before him, when he�s not practicing his sport, he�s mugging for the camera.

Yes, the fashion world has discovered Paul – and in particular, fashion photog God Bruce Weber – leading to shoots for Calvin Klein and L�Uomo Vogue.

He�s just too sexy for words, so instead of wasting them, we�ll just show you what we mean. Feast your eyes on this sexiness.

Why I�ve been so damn fascinated with this Christie Brinkley divorce trial, I couldn�t say. Maybe since gay couples can�t get married and therefore can�t get divorced, I have to live vicariously through the mockery straight people make of this �sacred institution.� Hey, if they wind up yanking back marriage rights in California, can someone please toss Christie Brinkley�s hat in the ring. She�s hot and seems smart, but girl should not be getting married a fifth time.

That said, I�m thrilled she got the kids. I mean, Peter Cook�s lawyer can argue til he�s blue in the face that his client doesn�t have a porn problem. And I can accept that just because a parent watches porn doesn�t mean there�s a problem. But $3,000 a month? I can get a Manhunt subscription, live stream X-tube for 48 hours and hire one of the boys I�m watching online to come over, wash my car and screw a midget for less than that. What the hell costs $3,000 a month?

And might I add – why the hell was Peter Cook suing for custody of the kid that isn�t even his? His kid, I get� some other guy�s kid? Argue that you two bonded as much as you want, but I�m sure you weren�t thinking about father, son time while you�re sticking it to the intern late at night in the office.

Justice prevailed, that�s for sure – though I do hope Christie takes that shrink�s suggestion and gets therapy. Yes, cheating, porn, stealing money� all grounds for divorce. But what the hell kind of woman stays after her hubbie slaps her daughter and holds her head down in a bucket of water?

Um, that�s the end, folks�

Going back to my whole little midget thing – and no, I didn�t just toss it in there so I could go back and have something to transition with� it was genuinely the first thing that came to mind – rough enough as it was watching the sex tape between Verne Troyer and his lady love Ranae, now we have to hear her talk about it to the tabloids.

Yeah, she�s ashamed.

Get a load of this crap she spilled to London�s News of the World (though, given the source, they could have just made it up).

On sexual positions: "I had to kneel down just to give him a hug. And anything but the traditional missionary position was just impossible. So I'd lie on the bed and Verne would crawl up my legs to have sex with me. And as he did it his feet would be tickling my knees!"

On frequency: "It was strange having sex with someone who couldn't reach to kiss me at the same time, except for my tummy that is! I was so relieved it was over. But minutes later Verne was ready to go again. That night we made love three times in 20 minutes, which most bigger men only dream about doing."

Ready to puke up your lunch yet? I got one more�

On almost drowning �Mini-Me� when they did it in the tub: "I thought it would be fun to do it in the tub. Sadly I almost killed him. While Verne was watching TV I ran the bath, emptied a bottle of bubbles in it and called him in. But the bubbles were so thick and high that once he climbed in he got lost under the water and I couldn't see him. Verne's voice is just like it is in the films and as he disappeared under the water, I heard this tiny yelp for help. I could just hear him crying, �Ranae, I can't see! Get me out, I'm drowning!'"

Yeah, that�s right. It�s all fun and games til someone dies. This officially replaces watching Verne pee in the corner on his little scooter on Surreal Life as the most embarrassed he�s ever been.

Y�all remember that movie where Cher was dating Malcolm in the Middle? K, so it�s not quite that bad, but now, the National Enquirer is reporting that Cher is planning to run off with someone who�s 36 and get married.

Vegas fever bit her 62-year-old self in her 17-year-old ass, huh?

According to the article, Cher�s made the guy sign a pre-nup and is just waiting for the right time to make it official.

Hey, you know, at Cher�s age, what�s she got to lose.

As long as there�s a pre-nup (because these are officially her Golden years) and she doesn�t do something stupid like make him a dancer in her Vegas show, I say run on down to Harrah�s, make this thing legal and then go back to Ceasar�s Palace for some light beer, Tums and a lie down.

Go on girl... get that young booty.

And just because I can�t stop laughing at this story� the oldest brother from Home Improvement (you know, the one who�s not Jonathan Taylor Thomas) is suing a San Diego hotel because some some off-duty desk clerk got out of line and tasered his ass.

Yeah, you heard me.

As Zachery Ty Bryan tells it, he and his wifey were all checked into a hotel down in SD when he had a thirst for some Gatorade (stoned or rolling, I�m sure). Anyway, he walked across the street, bought the stuff, and when he came back, they wouldn�t let him in the hotel�

Why? His name wasn�t on the room.

Um, unless he was staying at some Four Seasons Golf Resort, I highly doubt he�d have that much trouble getting back upstairs. Just call the room.

He says he asked. That�s when some dude came out of nowhere and tasered him to the floor.

Zach wants $25,000 in damages.

That�s it? That sucks. JTT could probably go for $100,000 – say it kept him out of the audition circuit for 4-6 weeks.

And, file this one under �God I hope so, but probably not.� Apparently, Dancing With the Stars has come calling for Lance Bass to be their first openly gay competitor who partners with a man.

Say what?

OK, I suppose there�s a possibility this publicity stunt is going to be a really cute way of taking it back to those great partner dances of the MGM musicals, where two people of the same sex can dance together and sell it. But I�ll be damned if I wanna see Maksim whatever the fuck his name is flipping Lance around like a school girl. Gay or not, that just ain�t right.

Still, if he joins, you know we�ll watch.

And there we have it this week, folks. Until we chat again! – Issued by Gay Link Content

  • Ross von Metzke is the Entertainment Editor of Gay Web Monkey and GayWired.com. The former Editor in Chief of Xodus Magazine, his work has appeared in YM, Performing Arts, The San Diego Union Tribune, Entertainment Weekly, Instinct and Link. Ross lives in Los Angeles.

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