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Hollywood Celebrity Buzz

Gossip So Good, It's Got To Be Gay

Ross von Metzke | June 23, 2008

David Beckham�s bulge is unveiled

Vicky Beckham swears her hubby is hung like a Clydesdale, and unless the folks at Emporio Armani are sinking a bundle into photo-shopping his package, I�m inclined to believe her.

David Beckham was on hand for the official unveiling of his new underwear ad for the clothier Wednesday in San Francisco. The five story tall photo features Beckham wearing nothing but a pair of skivvies, that perfectly toned physique and a chiseled within an inch of perfection profile.

As onlookers anxiously awaited the official unveiling, Becks snuck into the Macy�s wearing considerably more clothing – a gray suit from the designer, in fact – to promote the line. The crowd – packed with screaming middle aged women and a couple of horned up Mo�s – screamed like school girls at an NKOTB concert waiting for the big reveal. When it happened, we�re told a few women felt faint and at least one passed out completely.

I�ve heard Victoria did that the first time David nailed her with his dick – only hers was probably the result of malnourishment.

Still, I think we have a pretty clear cut winner for hottie of the week. Becks whipped that thing out awfully close to the Castro. Too bad he couldn�t swing down for a few and give those San Francisco gays a good, long peek.

One homo had a real good week on America�s Got Talent. Sure the show is a hodgepodge of folks with real ability and the sort of talent that lands them on street corners with an open guitar case bumming for enough cash to buy a Pabst Blue Ribbon, but Derrick Barry shocked the shit out of Sharon Osbourne and David Hasselhoff when he took to the stage for his flawless Britney impression.

True, he had man face when he lost the bolero hat, but Britney�s been fighting the Alize puff ever since she popped out baby number two.

I love that the one dick judge said the only thing this boy and Brit have in common is that they�re both a complete and utter train wreck. Much like America�s Got Talent, don�t you think? Seriously, this shit�s one step below The Gong Show. I want Monique to come out and beg the audience to boo people off the stage like it�s Showtime at the Apollo.

Derrick Barry is one hot piece of ass. David went all Eddie Murphy on him and said he�d made him �question� his sexuality. Just tear into him like he�s a burger, David. Eat him head to toe, buddy.

Sharon�s the only one who sees the real market potential here. She knows there�s a spot for drag queens out there. In fact, soon as she gets back to Britain, she�s getting Kelly all dirtied up to do her best Carnie Wilson.

Just as Jamie Lynn Spears took to a trip to the hospital to have a baby, y�all, a report comes that 16 girls under the age of 16 are preggers at some high-school in Massachusetts. The kicker is that some of the girls planned to get pregnant so they could raise their babies with their friends.

This is what happens when you let Miley Cyrus take her top off for Vanity Fair.

Seriously, Jamie Lynn may be trash, but she�s trash with cash. And while she�s not making Britney money, if she plays her cards right, she can sell the baby pics, scoop up a reality show, write a teen parenting book and score a record deal before year�s end.

Your average 16-year-old can�t pull that shit off. At least one of these girls is gonna be turning tricks to pay for Pedia Sure.

And on that note, why is it suddenly trendy to schedule your pregnancy? 10am, Starbucks; Noon, Yoga; 3pm – strap me into the stirrups and yank this fucker outta me. Maybe she�s trying to slim down in time for graduation next week. This year�s theme is �Bring Your Baby to Grad Night.�

Jamie Lynn�s not breast feeding so she can get good and fucked up and go for a second baby before she turns 18.

At the very least with a c-section, she wont be all stretched out. Apparently, after seeing Sex & the City on the big screen, Cynthia Nixon and Kristin Davis were so mortified, they hightailed it to New York�s Roosevelt Hospital to get some work done.

A source tells Page Six, "Cynthia had a breast augmentation and soon after, Kristin had the varicose veins on her legs removed. They both made sure they did it on the quietest day of the week."

Such a shame to do all that and not drag SJP along to fix that horse snout.

Seriously, Cynthia�s got a man – she doesn�t need to be worrying about her 41-year-old titties. Just next time, keep em� under wraps. No one asked to see Steve fucking you from behind.

I damn near coughed up my JuJu Bees.

And if Kristin Davis has vericose veins, I sure as hell didn�t see them. Course that�s not the sort of thing that shows up on the big screen.

Besides, I was too busy fighting with the faggot in front of me over who was the bigger Samantha, to notice – I bowed out of the race when he motioned for the usher to come over and blew him over my tub of popcorn.

That�s plain nasty.

You know what else is nasty? Pimping yourself out to the press. I get that half of Hollywood needs tabloid attention like South Beach needs short shorts and Linda Hogan needs jailbait, but seriously – shoving your People Mag spread at the camera so America can get one more glimpse at your oiled up, chiseled torso.

No doubt, Mario Lopez�s body is bomb ass – but we�ve already established that. And it�s not like the blogs aren�t going to go ape-shit over Mario�s completely nude centerfold. Save the PR for your team, Mario, and stick to what you do best...

Wait, what does Mario do well?

I guess he�s a decent enough dancer. And in that episode of nip/tuck, his ass looked nice all wet and soaped up.

OK, you got us, Mario. We�ll take the bait. Mmmm.

And that�s all we got for this time, folks – til we meet again, remember. Take time to stop and smell the gossip. – Issued by Gay Link Content

  • Ross von Metzke is the Entertainment Editor of Gay Web Monkey and GayWired.com. The former Editor in Chief of Xodus Magazine, his work has appeared in YM, Performing Arts, The San Diego Union Tribune, Entertainment Weekly, Instinct and Link. Ross lives in Los Angeles.

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