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This week in the world of lesbian gossip

Tracy E. Gilchrist | June 20, 2008

Hollywood's abuzz with gay weddings

The rest of the world continued to churn out its down-and-dirty gossip but for Californian queers the past several days have been marriage, marriage, marriage� So let us pay homage to those pioneers who�ve fought for decades so that, we complacent kids in 2008, can enjoy the luxury of standing idly by dreaming about Jennifer Beals in a beater tank or wondering how La Lush Lindsay Lohan and her DJ to the stars, Samantha Ronson can indulge in full-on homo action while the world either doesn�t notice or give a damn.

Congrats to pioneering activists and Lesbos, who�ve taught the whippersnappers of The L Word generation just how it�s done. Founders of one of the country�s original lesbian outings – as opposed to outing�groups, The Daughters of Bilitis, after 55 years together, octogenarians Phyllis Lyon and Del Martin said their �I do�s� at precisely 5:01 p.m. Monday in big gay San Francisco.

Meanwhile gay rights and gay marriage activist and women�s music fest producer Robin Tyler and her partner Diane Olson tied the knot on the steps of the Beverly Hills Courthouse before a handful of friends and family and hundreds of clamoring media outlets.

That�s right girls! The lesbians beat the gay boys to gay marriage in California, with these two stalwart couples becoming the first two couples in the state to make it legal. Although, when you consider that the gay boys play in bathhouses and backrooms while lesbians get into public ass-grabbing in the plumbing aisle of the Home Depot, it�s no small wonder the lesbians beat the gay boys to the proverbial altar.

Now that the activists have paved the way down that slippery slope of an aisle, let�s look out for celeb couples to join the wedding party. Big Ellen Degeneres and her hot piece of Aussy tail Portia de Rossi purportedly plan to quit living in sin in their Hollywood Hills manse and make honest women of one another.

There�s no word yet on when rocker dyke extraordinaire Melissa Etheridge and her blogger wife and erstwhile actress Tammy Lynn Michaels-Etheridge, will tie the knot. But Lord knows Tammy will blog about it to the last gory, groan-inducing detail as she did breast-feeding and diaper-changing. Oh, I know� I sound like a bitter homo, but really I�m not. I�m over-the-moon happy for us California queers who can now enter into the legally binding institution of marriage. I�m merely employing cynicism to keep from puffing up with joy and crying 24/7. I mean what do I have to hang on to now that long-term uncertainty and government-sanctioned non-commitment are no longer an option?

On to more pressing matters� celebrity gawking. Speaking of Big Gay Ellen Degeneres, it seems that the tennis-shoe clad funny lady has enticed more than her share of a straight cougar or two landing her in a few black books. The View doyen and trailblazer for women in journalism, Barbara Walters has succumbed to the Hollywood machine and resorted to salaciousness to keep her career afloat. Apppearing on The Ellen Show to hawk her tell-all memoir Audition, in which the vetted journalist reveals her illicit affair with a married Senator from back in the day, Babs took the bull by the horns – as it were – and poked fun at herself. Lest she leave room for anyone else to take a jab.

Pretending to show Ellen the book�s list of A-Lister politicos she�d interviewed throughout her career Babs joked and said, �This is a list of the people I�ve slept with, front and back.� And overlapping with and anticipating Ellen�s joke to be, Bab�s said, �You�re name is here somewhere.� While Ellen simulataneously countered by saying, �My name is right here.�

Jinx� they owe each other a coke or maybe a super-sexy spa day replete with a dual mud bath and nude sauna. Ellen went on to say she'd planned to document her passionate fling with Babs in her own book but that Babs had beaten her to it.

Well hell, it�s obvious now that Big Gay Rosie O�Donnell never had an issue with Little right-wing nut-job Lezzie – I mean Lissy – Elisabeth Hasselbeck. Rosie merely took umbrage with Babs� crush on that other stand-up comedian/ actress/ big ole dyke, Ellen. A word to the wise Ellen, Babs is a wily one. She even managed to ruffle D-List Diva Kathy Griffin�s bright red coiffure when, Kathy, attempting to shock Barbara, mentioned using old-school KY Jelly to help ease things in and Babs replied, �I pwefer AstwoGlide��

Ahhhh summer. Once upon a time network shows went off the air and re-runs played ad-nauseum while kids and parents played wiffle ball and badminton outside. Fuck that! Now summer is chock-full of must-see small-screen fodder. And Griffin�s My Life on the D-List is just one of those shows. Back for its fourth season, the red-headed shit-stirrer extraordinaire does battle with the Big O – and I don�t mean her ability to orgasm. Kathy takes on Oprah in all of the daytime Diva�s do-gooder-ness, and in the vein of Oprah�s scandal-laden South-African girls� school, Kathy launches the Kathy Griffin Leadership Academy in Mexico. Hilarious.

What�s more, Kathy takes on Barack Obama�s publicist – I mean friend and supporter – Oprah calling her the new Scientology. Considering Oprah�s ability to build a following for fear that crossing her could result in landing in the back of an unmarked white van for "Oprah" programming before being hauled into a padded cell of a movie theater and forced, with eyes wide open, to watch Beloved over and over again, not unlike Alex DeLarge in A Clockwork Orange – it�s a safe bet that Kathy�s on to something!

This week saw the gayest event of the year, and I�m not talking about bride on bride and groom on groom weddings. I mean the Tony Awards of course! It was Tony Awards v. Celtics/Lakers finals and in my house, the show queens won out! A tip of the fedora to that brassy big-piped babe Patti Lupone, who blew the doors off of Radio City Music Hall performing her signature tune from Broadway's Gypsy revival, �Everything�s Coming Up Roses.�

The original Broadway Evita, Lupone and her �magnificent brassy trap,� according to Jack McFarland on Will and Grace, beat out a handful of lovelies to win Best Actress in a Musical for the second time in 28 years since she made �Don�t Cry for me Argentina,� a household tune on par with the theme from Andy Griffith.

Other Tony highlights include hostess with the mostess costume changes, the lovable Whoopi Goldberg playing class clown inserting herself into staid musicals ie� popping up as the ultra-feminine Christine in the gondola in a riff on Phantom of the Opera.

Another big-piped broad, Megan Mullally, belted her post-coital ditty �Deep Love,� from The New Mel Brooks� Musical: Young Frankenstein. And lending to the evening�s over-all eye candy, In Plain Sight�s hot cop Mary McCormack lost the award for Best Supporting Actress in a Play for Boeing-Boeing but she sure looked adorable whenever the camera panned her way. Weeds� main MILF Mary Louise Parker engaged in a mutual love-fest of words with Whoopi before presenting an award. Tom Cruise-baiting babe Brooke Shields has apparently made a deal with the devil to become more stunning with each passing year, and Broadway baby and Wicked-hot witch Idina Menzel inspired a whoop from the audience when she turned up with the original cast of Rent to pay tribute to the benchmark musical.

As a gay girl growing up with Get Smart re-runs, Barbara Feldon as the whip-smart looker, Agent 99 to Don Adams� dorky and doltish Maxwell Smart, lands in the pantheon of early images that might have nudged my gayness into an early bloom� along with say, Meredith Baxter Birney in Family, Valerie Bertinelli in One Day at a Time, Linda Evans in Big Valley re-runs – please, I�m not that old – and Pamela Sue Martin in the Hardy Boys/ Nancy Drew Mysteries. But, never did Feldon look quite so fetching as the adorable and newly single Anne Hathaway in the big-screen version of Get Smart.

The Devil Wears Prada�s break out star kicks ass as the modern Agent 99 along with cute nerd Steve Carell, Alan Arkin and that mass of man-meat, The Rock in what appears to be a good-ole romp at the movies.

While lil' Annie Hathaway was a must-mention, this week is really all about pioneering older dames from the lesbian brides to Barbara Walters to the plastic surgery junkie with the forked tongue, Joan Rivers, whose foul-mouth got her tossed off the British daytime gab-fest Loose Women, which is kind of like Absolutely Fabulous meets The View.

With all of the silicone and Botox seeping into her brain, Joan couldn�t wrap her head around the idea that Loose Women is a completely live show for which the American-style FCC Big Brother �bleep� does not exist. Brushing aside the obvious that a show called Loose Women should be as filthy as a loaded cleavage-heaving beer wench at the local pub, Joan dropped an F-bomb that got her booted from the show.

One of the lovely birds inquired of Joan about chatting up celebs on the red carpet. Ever the diplomat, Joan said its fun when the celebs are nice but then she said of talking to that Aussy Oscar-winning tosser Russell Crowe, "He is a piece of; get ready to bleep this. Fucking shit!" Whoops no bleep. Joan�s expletive went live.

Thanks to Joan for confirming what we were all pretty sure was true. And Joan should just thank her lucky stars that Russell�s no Oprah! – Issued by Gay Link Content

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