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Tracy E. Gilchrist | May 15, 2008

Tony nominees announced

Show Queens and Rosie O�Donnell alike rejoice! Broadway�s biggest night is nearly upon us and there�s plenty of homo-happy theater to go around. Smokin� Latina with the big personality and pipes, Spamalot�s Sara Ramirez and Broadway darling and gay fella, David Hyde Pierce announced 2008�s Tony nominees Tuesday morning at some God-awful ridiculous time of morning.

Topping the list of musical nods, the Latin-flavored, In the Heights, nabbed 13 nominations. But never fear, a few bombastic, over-the-top post-modern – movie turned musical, bound to be remade into a movie musical ala Hairspray and The Producers – earned nods.

Here's a tip of the ole top hat to the live-action The Little Mermaid, which just makes me long for the Bette Midler�s dirty talking mermaid in a wheelchair; to The New Mel Brooks Musical Young Frankenstein, starring Megan Mullally and the �girls� in the role the genius Madeline Kahn originated in Mel Brooks' masterpiece of a movie; to Xanadu, the gayest musical based on the cheesiest, guiltiest pleasure of a movie ever made; and to Crybaby, another watered-down but thoroughly enjoyable family-friendly rendering of a John Waters classic. Who says there are no more original ideas?

Break out your tap shoes for June 15, when The View�s Whoopi Goldberg – who deserves battle pay for deflecting conservative hot-ass Elisabeth Hasselbeck and the inspiration for Are you Smarter than a 5th Grader? Sherri Shepherd�s asinine comments five days a week – hosts the 62nd annual Tony Awards.

Empress Patti Lupone will surely raise some goose bumps and stop the show if she performs a number from her star vehicle playing the mother of all stage mothers and the template for Dina Lohan and Lynne Spears alike, Mama Rose, in Gypsy. Now that was a woman who whored her daughter out like a seasoned madam.

Now for another woman who puts on a hell of a show. No longer the button-pushing bad-ass who could send the religious right into a mutually-masturbatory glut of protests and boycotts with her sacrilegious video iconography and penchant for defiling wedding dresses, Madonna pretty much does whatever the hell she wants these days, with nary a peep from her former detractors. That Kaballah bracelet must really have her back.

Still, you can�t blame a girl – fast approaching dirty old-ladydom – from trying. Far from mild-mannered Madge, tongue kissed one of her hapless but seemingly happy, female back-up dancers during a concert in – where else? – France last week.

Armed with her guitar and what appeared to be a bottle of Moet, Madonna pulled her dancer�s head back and snogged away. "Why do I have this relationship with France? I'm always drawn to working with French people – and frenching French people," Madonna queried after her impromptu Lesbo moment. "Vive la France!"

Touch� Madonna.

There�s life after talk show hell, at least for Karen Walker�s alter-ego, the delicious Megan Mullally. That�s right. The once-upon-an-admittedly-bi-sexual, Megan has joined the cast of the pilot for the upcoming sitcom, Bad Mother�s Handbook, which stars once-upon-a-cutie turned box-office poison, Alicia Silverstone.

Ms. Megan and her heaving cleavage are currently wrapping up her role as Elizabeth, the prissy horndog who discovers love with the re-animated monster in Young Frankenstein on Broadway. But for her return to the small screen – save for her hiccough of a yawn-inducing talk show in 2006 – Megan�s pulling out the stops to play Alicia�s overbearing mama in the sitcom pilot that also stars the spot-on Alia Shawkat, Arrested Development�s young prot�g� cousin Maeby Funke, as Alicia�s daughter and Megan�s granddaughter. Uggg� Megan�s playing a grandma. That either makes me officially old or officially an old-girl chaser.

Sex and the City darling and accidental lesbian poster-girl Cynthia Nixon supposedly copped to the UK Mirror that she and her girly, Christine Marinoni would indeed go whole hog on a big ole Lesbo wedding.

�If it becomes legal I think we would� It's something my girlfriend is interested in and it was not something my boyfriend ever was,� Cynthia said. Not that Christina�s not a lovely lady but Cynthia�s a damned fine catch. Go for the brass ring Christina and get that lady legally hitched.

Ms. Nixon went on to say, �I think that to get married to her would be a little act of rebellion. It's like if you've never had the vote and then you get it you're going to run out there and vote.� Or, it�s like when you turn 21, slam shots until you�re hammered out of your mind and wake up with some strange woman�s thong around your big toe while nursing a fat case of hangover remorse�

�I always avoided marriage in the past and was always very wary of it. I felt like it was potentially a trap. People sometimes want the party, the gifts and the public celebration of this big love – they're excited about that rather than about the lifetime commitment. So I always steered clear of it,� Cynthia said.

Rumor had it that the ginger-haired lovebirds would head to the Vermont hills to say their nuptials while sporting a pair of Birkenstocks and matching Guatemalan-print wedding gowns with Joni Mitchell�s, �A Case of You,� wafting on auto-repeat in the background. A vegan reception and a live didgeridoo player at the local communal herb garden would follow. But Cynthia has since refuted the Vermont rumors, most likely out of concern for Sarah Jessica Parker�s Manohlos getting stuck in the Vermont cow patties.

Wellesley College indeed builds their women to last and tough-assed Sen. Hillary Clinton continues to chug from primary to primary pissing off the far left and Barack Obama devotees, as she rolls. But while Hillary led the charge in the West Virginia primary, former first daughter Chelsea Clinton forged onward to Oregon to tease the lesbians.

Following that undiscovered sex kitten Chelsea�s success on her ass-grabbing, bar-hopping queer tour of the City of Brotherly Love, Chelsea and �Damn I Wish You Were My Lover,� singer / songwriter Sophie B. Hawkins forged on to the Pacific Northwest for a mini-tour of Portland�s gay scene.

Dirty dog of a can�t-keep-in-in-her-pants, lesbian fitness guru, Jackie Warner needs a new sponsor – and I don�t mean the kind that holds your hand during the "Serenity Prayer." Work Out sponsor Gatorade dropped Jackie�s tight ass after she and her karmic-ly challenged business manager were caught waxing bitchy about a Skylab client�s breasts. Looks like it�ll be pretty dry around Skylab without Gatorade�

The eat-her-with-a-spoon adorable and ubiquitous Ellen Page has joined the corseted, abysmal English accent, Victorian novel cum film club. In yet another iteration of Charlotte Bronte�s masterpiece, Ellen stars as the mousy, emotionally-abused Jane Eyre. It�s another win-win for the women�s college and corset-fetish crowds.

Finally, Christmas has come early. The Filth King of Baltimore and Beyond, John Waters is back behind the camera shooting, Fruitcake, a Christmas flick starring cutie-pie Parker Posey and the original Jack-Ass, Johnny Knoxville. – Issued by Gay Link Content

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