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Ross von Metzke | April 25, 2008

James Marsden is afraid of sex

Talk about your headline: �James Marsden is Afraid of Sex.�

Say it isn�t so – my jaw dropped.

OK, it isn�t quite so. He�s afraid of sex scenes – of what audiences will say and think when they see him getting it on. If he doesn�t live up to expectations, what will they say?

I can�t speak for others, but I can safely say that if James were to hit the big screen in a raunchy roll in the hay with another man, I wouldn�t have time to critique his performance. I�d be lying in a pool of my own sweat, waiting for the usher to come and wheel me away.

Shockingly – James has never had to conquer his fear, because he�s never done a sex scene on film.

Um, OK� and big shot Hollywood producers reading this need to run to the script closet, fish out everything that involves sex and send it to James pronto. We got get this hottie stripped naked, oiled up and ready for his close-up, stat�

Something tells me Mariah Carey wouldn�t have a problem putting it all out there on film. Look, she says she�s really a big ole� prude and that those ho clothes she steps out in are just a persona, but I don�t buy that for a second. Have a photoshop whiz on standby, some shalack, strip her to her panties and watch her act.

One thing she won�t be doing, however, is getting preggers any times soon.

Thank God. She just got that body back – a baby would just fuck it up again.

Mariah says that she can�t fathom bringing a kid into this world right now because she wouldn�t know how to raise it right with everything else going in. I presume she�s talking about war, racism, republicans, but she could just be thinking of her summer tour.

Interestingly, Mariah has already sort of done the mom thing – though Mimi doesn�t like to relive some of the darker parts of her life, she�s had a hand in raising her nephew. It seems Mariah�s sister isn�t all that fit a mother – she�s been arrested for prostitution, is HIV-positive and has done time in and out of rehab over the past decade. So Mariah�s done her sisterly duties and let the kid live with her off and on, at one point suing for full custody, and paying for him to attend college.

Yeah, having been through all of that, I don�t think I�d be any hurry to get knocked up either.

Mariah would certainly make a better mum than Naomi Campbell who, just weeks after getting the boot from a British Airways flight for spitting on a cop, enrolls in the sitcom school of acting for a guest turn on Ugly Betty as� herself.

I can only imagine what must be going through the collective minds of the cast. That little Justin must be nutting – he�s got his autograph book ready!

Let�s face it� Naomi is probably going to go ape shit and claw somebody�s eyes out. Duck, Vanessa, duck.

The only person on the set with a chance at taking her down is Rebecca Romijn. She�s done the modeling world before, and ever since she beefed up to play Alexis post sex change, she�s boasting a seriously intimidating wingspan. I wouldn�t wanna throw a cell at that bitch.

Also, don�t count out little Ana Ortiz. Latin women get scrappy when they�re territory�s threatened.

Now that�s one set I�d love to be on.

One set I�m hoping gets torn down mid shoot is Divorce Court – that�s where Gary Coleman is heading with his wife of eight months – the woman who allegedly took his virginity – Shannon Price.

Now that�s desperation – Divorce Court can�t pay much. They don�t exactly �kill it� in the ratings. But considering Gary probably owes Cash Call hundred�s of thousands of dollars, he�ll marry and divorce girls right and left if it means he can make a payment.

Apparently, this installment is so juicy, it�s a two parter – and it�s been in the can since March.

Shannon alleges she can�t handle Gary�s temper, and that he frequently resorts to violence when they�re fighting.

Gary�s pissed that Shannon won�t do him up the butt – turns out that�s how he likes it.

Frankly, I have no idea what�s wrong with these two, and I don�t care.

I do have some good news, anyway. Now that Nicole Kidman is seven months along and finally showing – what does she eat? Saltines and Correctol – she�s been forced to lay off the botox and collagen. Wonder of wonders, guess what? She looks normal again. Turns out there�s nothing wrong with Nicole�s face.

Here�s Nicole right after finding out she was with child.

And here�s her last week.

And she claims she�s never done a thing to her face. Lying bitch!

Anyone who�s been following the Luke and Noah storyline on As the World Turns knows that the second they let these two teens out of the closet, the soap censors made them cool it on the action. Folks complained and now, things are finally starting to get hot and heavy again. Check it out!

Of course, I�d rather see them at a Palm Springs guest resort getting it on in the Jacuzzi. One can only hope.

And finally, with her two girls in various states of distress – Britney�s finally able to kick it in the same room with her two kids while her barely 16-year-old younger sister, Jaime Lynn, is about to pop out one of her own – Lynne Spears says in her time of need, she turns to God.

�I pray for Britney every day to be a better mother. She�s gone through a lot of trauma, but she seems to be coming out of it – and it�s showing in her relationship with the boys. They�re really bonding. I think 2008 will be a better year for all of us."

Too much talk of God and not enough talk of condoms growing up got your kids into this mess, Lynne.

While you�re at it, why don�t you stop calling Life & Style Magazine and spend all the time your saving not pimping out your kids giving them that long overdue birds and the bees talk. You know, the one where you say if you�d listened to your mother, you�d have had your tubes tied long before getting to Jaime Lynn.

I swear – those girls are lucky to be alive.

And that does it for this week, folks� – until next time, remember to stop and smell the gossip! – Issued by Gay Link Content


  • Ross von Metzke is the Entertainment Editor of Gay Web Monkey and GayWired.com. The former Editor in Chief of Xodus Magazine, his work has appeared in YM, Performing Arts, The San Diego Union Tribune, Entertainment Weekly, Instinct and Link. Ross lives in Los Angeles.


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