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Gossip So Good, It's Got To Be Gay

Ross von Metzke | April 14, 2008

Rosie O'Donnell, Britney Spears

Dear God – how can one man be so hot? It was that review that lured me to look at the all new pictures of model Tyler Batchell, who we�ve featured as our buzz hottie before – in fact, mere weeks ago.

I don�t like to repeat myself, but some men just bear multiple mentions� and Tyler is, unquestionably, one of those studs.

I think part of what makes Tyler so irresistible is those damn lips – they always seem to be pursed in that �don�t fuck with me unless you want me to fuck with you� sort of way.

The fact that he manages to expose his underwear – or better yet his crotch – in practically every other photo certainly doesn�t hurt� and we haven�t even gotten to his Greek God bod.

Whether he�s walking the runway or posing for the camera, there�s no denying Tyler Batchel has the sort of stuff that makes gay men swoon.

Gentlemen – start your engines.

For those of you who�ve missed Rosie O�Donnell – she�s back, outspoken as ever. I damn near lost my lunch when she told Diane Sawyer on Good Morning America this week that she�s gray �everywhere� – it�s just that some places you can cover with very expensive hair dye.

Did I mention she was on the show promoting a book on crafting with her kids� what�s little Parker�s personal favorite? Slop the Color Vive on mommy?

Diane got her to talk briefly about The View – she admitted that she still occasionally emails with Elizabeth – before Rosie went way off on a tangent and say that after reading about mental illness and seeing Britney Spears had been diagnosed as bi-polar, she went to her therapist and said, �Do you have something to tell me�?

I don�t know if Rosie�s bipolar, but I can think of a lot of things her therapist might should probably say – like learn to let go. Later that day, she told Martha Stewart of her time on The View, �there was a little Republican who scared me.�

The same Republican you still email, Rosie? I don�t know about you, but I don�t make a habit of keeping in touch with people who scare me. Besides, like Elizabeth could do squat to Rosie� just dangle a keg from the ceiling and watch the bear growl.

I wonder if Julio Iglesias would be a bear?

OK, awkward transition, because Julio said this to L.A. concertgoers at a recent gig:

"If I was gay, I would be the best gay in of all history."

Like better than Alexander the Great? Better that Oscar Wilde?

Better than Lance Bass?

Thanks for offering Julio, but we�re not buying – we will, however, gladly take your son Enrique. In fact, I�d wager to say he�s actually passed Ricky in the hot latin pop artist category. The second he took that mole off, I was hooked.

Think you can hook that up, Julio?

So by now most of you have probably heard that Beyonce and Jay-Z tied the knot this week.

I think it�s funny when celebs try and keep things quiet but keep dropping little hints – like, �We don�t want anyone to know we�re getting married but I�m gonna have my two girls from Destiny�s Child fly out to New York and record a video blog for you.� Or, �We have to keep the date secret so no one figures it out – what about 4/4, since you were born on the 4th and I was born on the 4th.�

Hell, Beyonce was photographed going into get her marriage certificate, folks kept dropping hints there was going to be �something big� happening with Beyonce. She should have walked to the church in her fucking dress with Tina Knowles letting out the seams on the way. But the ceremony went off mostly without a hitch.

Gwyneth was one of the guests, and at Idol Gives Back, someone asked her if she�d enjoyed the ceremony. "What wedding? I was watching a movie on Friday night."

I hate her. She�s a worse liar than she is an actress. I juyst want to scrape her name off the front of her Oscar and make her chisel in Cate Blanchett�s name for Elizabeth. I'd make her walk the thing to Australia.

I still can�t get over that snub. I know, most of you are thinking, �It�s not her fault.� But it is� I just know Blythe Danner gave someone a rub down for that hook up.

For those of you who sat at home Wednesday night watching Idol Gives Back, you were in good company. Reports suggest Britney Spears was camped out in front of her TV and was so moved by what she saw, she called in to pledge $25,000.

Trouble is, her father has control of her money.

Wonder if papa Spears handed over the Amex. I would die if they asked about mothly debits from Brit�s account.

You just know someone in her camp is gonna leak her bank statement to TMZ so they can show that in between waxing her bikini line and an obligatory Starbucks run, she gave of herself to Africa.

No, in seriousness – here�s hoping its true. I�d much rather see Brit spending $25K on orphans than another month at the Four Seasons.

Here�s a rumor that�s literally killing me.

Last week, some industry insider leaked Mariah Carey�s entire album online. Now comes rumors someone in Ashlee Simpson�s camp did the honors.

Why would Ashlee go and do a thing like that? Because their albums are going to be competing, and Ashlee can�t even get a single on the charts. Sure helps first week sales of her album if half the die hard Mariah fans take an extra few going to the store because they already have the music.

Seriously, I�m all for artist suppoort – but if you already have the music, how many people are really gonna go shell out $18 just so they can see the liner notes.

You already know what you�re gonna get – we�ve seen it a million times.

Mariah�s gonna be wearing some slutty number from Frederick�s of Hollywood, burping up rainbows and butterflies and pursing her lips so some guy can go into photoshop, chisel out some chin and get rid of half her mid section.

Nice going Ashlee – low, evil and sure to come back to bite you in the ass, but sassy all the same.

I just wish she�d done it to her own sister. How�s that for a biopic?

I�m not gonna say much about Courtney Love, but I want to direct you to this photo of her �travel bag� and what she�s got in it.

I remember when my dad used to pack for road trips. He�d toss a can of Barbasol shaving cream, a bic razor, a disposable toothbrush and some clean boxers in a Hefty bag and wait by the car while the rest of us loaded our shit. Don�t recall if he was on any prescription meds, but if he were, I�m sure this is the way he would have rolled.

Fucking Frances Bean could grow up to be a pole dancer and I�d be impressed at this point.

Alrighty folks, this is where I get off� I think I�ve done enough damage for one week.

Until we meet again, remember� take time to stop and smell the gossip! – Issued by Gay Link Content

  • Ross von Metzke is the Entertainment Editor of Gay Web Monkey and GayWired.com. The former Editor in Chief of Xodus Magazine, his work has appeared in YM, Performing Arts, The San Diego Union Tribune, Entertainment Weekly, Instinct and Link. Ross lives in Los Angeles.

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