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Gossip So Good, It's Got To Be Gay


Ross von Metzke | March 10, 2008

Patrick Swayze, Whitney Houston

Every gay is so hung up on their fellow homos who populate Janice Dickinson�s Modeling Agency. And that�s all well and good, I like to see a good gay get ahead as much as the next guy. But as enthralled as I was to see J.P. come out for his Instinct Magazine spread (even though his purse fell out of his mouth way back when he did Survivor) and much as I coo when love birds Shaun and Paul go fake bake together for a shoot, my eye�s always been on another guy.

For three seasons, Billy Marquart has been my kind of guy. Yes, he has that all approachable, guy next door sort of look, but there�s something very different about him. He�s the type of guy you want to come home to – Hayden Christensen with a personality.

Abercrombie thinks so too – that�s why they made him their guy this season. And if that isn�t enough, just you wait for the high fashion runway shows he has right around the corner.

Yes, Billy looks good dressed up or dressed down. Take a moment to absorb this hunk, will ya?

Alrighty, I love good gossip – obviously, or I wouldn�t have a gossip column. But did the National Enquirer really need to go digging into Patrick Swayze�s personal life to find out he�s suffering from pancreatic cancer – and, according to them, has five weeks to live.

Um, don�t you think that�s Patrick�s job to reveal? I�m still hung up on the fact that they got the meat and potatoes part of the story right. Now, according to doctors, Swayze�s not been given such a grim diagnosis as the tabloids would have you believe, but still� this guy�s got a family.

Oh course, the flip side is, when something like this happens to a celeb like Patrick rather than, say, Lindsay Lohan, fans unite. Warm wishes went Patrick�s way via his publicist, gifts, cards, notes of encouragement. Hell, Perez Hilton tasked fans with making �She�s Like the Wind� go top ten on iTunes. Do I hear Point Break, Netflix top rental?

If Lindsay got cancer, the gays would probably host a midnight screening of I Know Who Killed Me, light poppers on fire and toss them at the screen.

Best wishes, Patrick.

In Britney news – yeah, we�ve had a little bit of a Britney break, haven�t we – the pop star is (gasp) looking like she�s on the right track. She�s been cooperative at court supervised visits with her children. Her dad just won a motion to keep control of her finances until July. And those little kids in her dance class seem to love working with her.

OK, so I admit – that part I still don�t quite get. I�m all for giving a girl a second chance, but have these parents seen her videos. I mean, there are moments in the �I�m a Slave 4 U� video where Britney damn near looks like she�s fucking herself.

Little kids are supposed to learn the time step, a good kick ball change. They�re not supposed to be dry humping a pole to the tune of, �Baby, One More Time.�

I wonder how long it is before she tries to get K-fed to enroll Sean Preston in her class. She can teach him the ole �slap a bitch up� routine.

Still, at least she�s moving in the right direction. No more late night runs for cold medicine and Starbucks. No more pink wig leads the paps to the Four Seasons.

No, these days, Britney seems to be using the old noggin – she�s even auctioning off a photo of her with her dance kids for charity.

That�s right – raise your public profile and pimp some tykes out in the process.

Hey, at least Britney�s officially moved off the most fucked up person in Hollywood short list, quickly to be replaced by Jason �Gummi Bear� Davis (Amy Winehouse lives across the pond, remember).

If you�re not familiar with Jason, perhaps you know his greasy brother Brandon.

Still nothing?

OK, long story short, they�re heirs to an oil fortune, Brandon�s famous for drunkenly calling Lindsay Lohan �firecrotch� and stumbling through the streets of L.A. with Paris Hilton, his fat slob brother Jason hot on his tails.

Well Jason, it seems, has been charged with possession of heroin. Not cocaine, as the police originally thought. Heroin. That explains why we see so many picks of his sloppy ass passed out and drooling in public.

Seriously, how many times to these two need to go to rehab before they figure it out? Apparently, mommy and daddy have yanked all form of financial support until Brandon and Jason get it together. But something tells me they�re gonna lift that hold to cut Jason a big, fat check for legal fees.

I�m guessing neither Davis brother can expect a walk on on Paris� new reality show?

In somewhat more sober news, record mogul Clive Davis promises a holiday release for Whitney Houston�s big comeback album. That�s pushed back from the original 2005 release date he promised us.

And get this. She�s laid down a whopping four tracks. And he says that like it�s good news.

Um, no offense – I�m all for Whitney making her sobriety her foremost concern (even though I still argue she�s never really admitted she was an addict) – but four tracks in three years.

Davis swears her golden voice is still there, impressive as ever. I ain�t buying that shit. They probably have Whitney chained to a radiator somewhere, and every morning they play that note from The Bodyguard. If she can hit it, they record – if not, to bed without supper for you, Nippy.

I�ll bet they release six new tracks and �reinterpretations� of some of her biggest hits, a la Paula� �The Greatest Love of All�, down the octave.

And now some news about lesbians.

Buffy�s one – oh yeah, a good few years after the show left television, Joss Whedon decides to tickle our fancy and put Buffy Summers in bed with another lady. He says it �evolved naturally.� She�s young, she�s experimenting.

And we couldn�t have found that out five years ago when Sarah Michelle Gellar and company were still on The WB?

I mean, home girl made out with Selma Blair in Cruel Intentions – she�d have done it. Now she�s remaking her eighth Asian horror flick in a row and pacing in front of her PO Box for her residual check.

Bring back Buffy – not just in comic book form, but to theatres. Buffy in bed with a babe we�d pay big bucks to see.

And for those of you who love Cynthia Nixon, she�s telling OK! Magazine her son and daughter were OK with her being a lesbian.

"My son was very little [when it happened], but my daughter has a gay uncle [and her godmothers] are lesbians."

Well ain�t that just peachy. She also says she�s in a fantastic relationship with Christine and she doesn�t give a whole lot of thought to the whole lesbian thing.

�I'm in love with [Christine] because she's her. If she were a man, would I be in love with her? I don't know.�

She also says she went down on Kim Cattrall once but she didn�t like the taste of grandma�s pussy. OK, she didn�t say that – I just wanted her to.

Till next time folks, hang in there – and remember to take the time and smell the gossip. – Issued by Gay Link Content


  • Ross von Metzke is the Entertainment Editor of Gay Web Monkey and GayWired.com. The former Editor in Chief of Xodus Magazine, his work has appeared in YM, Performing Arts, The San Diego Union Tribune, Entertainment Weekly, Instinct and Link. Ross lives in Los Angeles.


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