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This week in the world of lesbian gossip

Tracy E. Gilchrist | January 17, 2008

Cybill Shepherd and The L Word

Once a pioneering woman in journalism, it's time for Barbara Walters to hang up her old lady pumps. That's right, the Lady of the Lisp has assembled a quorum of idiots for her anti-feminist gab-fest The View, that make WWF roid heads look like Mensa members. If blinded by Jesus, doesn't know if the world is round or flat but believes the Christians were on the planet before the Jews, Sherri Shepherd wasn't solely contributing to the even more dumbing down of dumbass Americans, little Lezzie – Elisabeth Hasselbeck is back from her maternity leave churning out another rightwing spawn and adding a heavy dose of ignorant ideology to the show. And it was never more apparent than when the Empress of the Heartbreaking Half Smile / Half Cry, Jennifer Beals, and the coolest cougar on the planet, Cybill Shepherd showed up to promote The L Word.

The seven-minute debacle was like an extended 1950's horror movie trailer, replete with McCarthy era paranoia and ignorance. "Watch as dual horses' asses Sherri and Elisabeth cuddle on the couch together in a sordid attempt to simulate same-sex attraction!" "Cringe as Little Lissy asks the hackeneyed question, 'What's the difference kissing a man or a woman?' – Which, by the way, you know little Lissy likely did at soccer camp, or at least she engaged in a little locker room heavy petting. "Cover your eyes as Whoopi Goldberg attempts to squirm away mortified as if her co-stars are pod people!" "Try to keep your lunch down when Sherri assumes all gay gals are predatory sluts who bed everyone they know and she asks Jennifer and Cybill if their characters will hook up!" The horror, the horror....Watch video

To their credit, but it's no surprise that seasoned pros and big-brained hotties, Jennifer and Cybill managed to answer the co-hosts' inane questions. But leave it to carmudgeonly Joy Behar to break it all down pointing out the blatantly obvious when said that all lesbians aren't as beautiful as Cybill or Jennifer. "Aren't there any ugly lesbians?" Joy queried. Yale grad Jennifer deflected by answering, that she and the cast are privvy to two hours of hair and makeup a day, and anyone can look beautiful. To which I must respond, The View co-hosts get two hours of hair and makeup and they don't look like the cast of The L Word. Does that mean they're a wild pack of lesbos? Small wonder Big Rosie O'Donnell couldn't run away fast enough.

Really though, Joy brought up a point that's haunted The L Word since it premiered. Sapphic sisters nationwide bemoaned the fact that the L Word ladies don't represent real lesbians, yet somehow, when straight women point that out� – ike Sherri saying that her gay lady friends look like the UPS driver and not like Jennifer Beals – it's a little tough to swallow. Still, it was worth it for a few minutes of Jennifer in the morning. Next time Jennifer, wear something sleeveless. The power of your deltoids will render those halfwits speechless.

Speaking of the L Word, for the second week in a row, Princess Paris Hilton – sporting a tres Gwen Stefani coiffure – has been spotted out getting mighty cozy with Daniella Sea, to which there are a few responses. First WTF Daniella?

Angela Robinson, Daniela Sea and Paris Hilton -Photo: Faye Sadou

Aren't you still with your hot Bitch and by Bitch, I mean your girlfriend Bitch, the kick-ass singer songwriter? Have you been playing Max for so long that the glue from your soul patch has gone straight to your head and you're starting to act like a thick-headed straight guy with a woody?

At West Hollywood's Sunday night L Word hotspot, Falcon, Paris, Daniella and a bunch of no-talent hangers on were crowded into a booth eating, drinking and making general asses of themselves. Of all the L Word ladies to get caught up in the Hollywood machine, young Daniella seemed least likely. Maybe it's a publicity stunt. Last week, Kate Moennig was spotted in close contact with prison matron Paris. Let's hope Kate didn't have to skip Falcon this week just to fill her Valtrex prescription.

Also spotted at Falcon drawing crowds and watching their creation being born before 500 screaming lezzies were Ilene Chaiken, Angela Robinson, the stunning Malaya Rivera Drew – who plays Jenny's assistant – and Cybill's real-life and small screen daughter, Clementine Ford.

In the biggest non-event in Awards season history, the Golden Globes self-congratulatory glitter-fest was reduced to a mere press conference hosted by Billy – who the hell are you? – Bush. Typically one of this gay gal's High Holy Day of the year, second only to the Academy Awards, I blocked out the sad, sad broadcast and drowned myself in Absolut Ruby Red and soda at Falcon, where I ogled L Word micro-celebs and their socialite hangers on.

Still, some lesbo faves picked up a Golden Globe or two – and I don't mean breast implants. Madame Glenn Close of the scary as hell litigator types won a Best Actress nod for her going mano y mano each week with Rose Bryne in Damages. The quintessential hot nerd, Ms. Tina Fey picked up Best Actress in a Comedy for her delightfullly self-effacing Liz Lemon in 30 Rock.

Magnificently uncanny as Edith Piaf, French beauty Marion Cotillard won for Best Actress in a comedy of musical movie for La Vie En Rose, while the timeless Julie Christie pulled down Best Actress in a Drama award for Away From Her. And speaking of uncanny, Cate – Is there anything she can't do? – Blanchett won Best Supporting Actress in a film for channeling the egomaniac version of Bobby Dylan in Todd Haynes' practically incomprehensible masterpiece, I'm Not There.

Representing for the fence-sitting lesbo set – which has just gotten smaller thanks to Jodie Foster's ode to her "beautiful Cydney" – Queen Latifah pulled down an award for Best Actress in a mini-series or made for television movie with Life Support.

On the subject of fence sitters, Michelle – M-Rod – Rodriguez has been unleashed back into the Hollywood club scene – since she hasn't worked forever – after serving 18 days of her 180-day sentence for violating a drunk driving parole. Look out for Cry Baby Rodriguez, who once took to her blog to declare her undying devotion to the male of the species, likely picked up a few tricks in prison – and by tricks, I do mean shower buddies.

For anyone who was still entrenched in Britney Spears' meltdown and missed the New Hampshire Primary, the pollsters ate their inaccurate predictions when Seven Sisters' Alumna and honorary gay lady Hillary Clinton pulled a coup and beat the overconfident pants off of Barack Obama.

Following Hills' teary-eyed moment earlier in the week, which prompted girly-man John Edwards to lash out calling Hills display of humanity, a weakness, like a triathlete, Hills cried through her pain and came out on top. When the chips get down for Obama, he can just get Mama Oprah to do his crying for him. Oh yeah, and there were some Republicans there too. John McCain topped that race, provididing a much-needed slap in the face to Evangelical cheesehead Mike Huckabee – who incidently praised Jamie Lynn Spears for keeping her baby. Damn, if "Papa Don't Preach" came out in Bush's Evangelical America, Madonna would be sainted. – Gay Link Content

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