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Tracy E. Gilchrist | December 21, 2007

Effects of the writers� strike

If nobody�s there to fondle the Golden Globes, will they even bother to put on a show? The Hollywood Foreign Press – whatever the f*** that really is – has announced the slew of oddball nominees for its annual celebrity pat yourself on the back throwdown and Oscar precursor.

While the Golden Globes, which melds television and film personalities in a more laidback and boozy setting than the Academy Awards, has become the second High Holy Day of the year for this celebrity gawker, but the blasted writers� strike promises to muck up the awards. A few anti-scab celebs who possess strange qualities called honour and integrity have vowed not to cross the picket line, over the backs of the geek squad – the writers – to get to their awards. Among these goody-two shoes celebs is the inimitable Ms. Glenn Close, nominated for a Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series-Drama (that�s a mouthful) for her butch turn as take-no-prisoners attorney Patty Hewes on the lesbo-centric Damages. Damn her scruples!

A hodge-podge of stars landed nods this year including some gay gal goddesses. With the writers on strike and the show�s content sure to suck, I say the nominees join the L Word gang and engage in Turkish Oil Wrestling to determine the winner. Everybody wins!

Imagine Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture-Drama�whew�nominees, Empress Angelina Jolie of the Holy Order of Hot Lips for A Mighty Heart, Queen Cate Blanchett for The Golden Age, Lesbian Vigilante Jodie Foster for The Brave One and stunning stick figure Keira Knightley for Atonement, topless and oiled up vying for their awards. Dame Julie Christie is also nominated for her turn in Away From Her, but at Julie�s age, she�s safer playing the ring girl. While Jodie and her truckers drawl v. bad-assed Angelina seems like the ultimate match-up, Keira might just Bend it Like Beckham and pull a surprise win on this one.

Comedic and Musical Queens of the Red Carpet will include film fest darling Amy Adams for Enchanted, little newcomer Nikki Blonski as the big-screen Tracy Turnblad in Hairspray, Merchant Ivory darling gone awry Helena Bonham Carter for Sweeney Todd, Marion Cotillard for her uncanny Edith Piaf in La Vie en Rose and baby – not sure if she�s a dyke but she�s damned cute – Ellen Page for Juno.

Other possible oil wrestling match-ups include the Best Performance / Television-Drama gang that pits Patricia Arquette for Medium, Glenn Close, Minnie Driver for The Riches, Edie Falco for The Sopranos, Sally Field for Brothers and Sisters, Holly Hunter for Saving Grace and Krya Sedgwick for The Closer, against one another. Looking very much like an Emmy�s redux – and I can�t recall who won the Emmy. Probably a yawn, Grey�s yawn Anatomy, yawn boring broad. Fingers crossed for Ms. Minnie on this one. But the nominated babes alone constitute a win. In a town like Hollywood where the women are put out to pasture at 35, this category rife with sexy older women and MILFs alike.

Funny ladies who garnered nods from the Foreign Press include the hottest MILF on the block Mary Louise Parker in Weeds, hot nerds America Ferrara for Ugly Betty and Tina Fey for 30 Rock, the cat with nine lives Christina Applegate for her smash hit Samantha Who? and Anna Friel for the darkly comic Pushing Daisies.

Look for more red carpet eye candy and estrogen heavy hitters in the Best Supporting / Motion Picture category with Big Mouthed Beauty Julia Roberts for Charlie Wilson�s War, Queen Cate for her Bob Dylan drag in I�m Not There and the frighteningly smart ice queen Tilda Swinton for Michael Clayton.

This writers� strike pits my morals against my pervy, celebrity-obsessed side. Come on scribes, buck up so that we writers who live vicariously through celebrity can leeringly watch for the accidental Angie / Cate brush-up against one another on the red carpet� or the Sally Field buzzed on Veuve Clicquot solipsistic �you like me, you really like me speech!�

In a moment not unlike the cult classic, Showgirls� climactic turn when slutty, climber of a showgirl tosses marbles at Gina Gershon�s rabid bi-sexual bitch diva Crystal Connors in hopes of landing the Vegas review�s top slot, Posh Spice threw a wad of David Beckham�s spat-out chewing gum at Emma �Baby Spice� Bunton, causing Baby Bunton to take a spill that landed her on crutches. Not exactly, but still, Baby Spice is laid up – and not in a good way – which promises to put a kink in the Spice Broads – uh, Girls – UK leg of their comeback tour. Stretch Girls, stretch� you�re not spring chickens – or birds as the Brits say – anymore.

At the end of the day, Baby�s prognosis is good and she�ll be outshining Poser Posh again in no time.

In other stage tumbling news, the Legend, The Lush, The Liza took a nasty little spill off a stage during a performance in Sweden last week. Poor Liza slurred her way through a painful rendition of her mama Judy Garland�s other signature song, �The Man I Love�, before tumbling off the stage into the arms of a hapless technician.

Liza, who�s purportedly 12-stepping it clean and sober, says she felt dizzy before the performance – which smacked of some of Judy�s more painful public moments – but reports are that Liza�s on everything from anti-depressants to Oxy to kill her decades of pain. �Maybe This Time� Liza will get luck and pull through because you know, �Life is a Cabaret� for the old gal. All snark aside, pull through Liza. From and old-school pseudo-gay man like me, after you, Bette and Barbara, we�ll be stuck with Britney and bemoaning where have all the great entertainers gone?

Empress Madonna of the Holy Order of Virgin Facsimiles – or �Like a Virgin�who�s a true performer and always a pleasure to watch, has landed herself a slot in The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It just goes to show you that in rock and roll you can defile a wedding dress and numerous crucifixes, conflagrate Jesus and piss off the Catholics by portraying him as black, make out with Sandra Bernhardt and release a soft-core porn sex book. Good on Madge!

In the stranger things have happened category, American Idol�s resident pharmaceutical receptacle, Paula Abdul, is missing some piss. Seriously, Abdul – because she hasn�t made enough of an ass out of herself on American Idol each season – admitted that a crazed fan once filched Paula�s urine sample from the doctors� office. Look for that stuff on eBay any day now!

Here�s a quick and dirty year-end movie round up:

Cutie Pie Ellen Page garners critical raves as a knocked up – and not the Katherine Heigl kind of yawn – inducing knocked up – teen in the indie flick Juno, which also stars that other big mouthed beauty, Jennifer Garner. Little Ellen�s a smarty pants who takes herself seriously, and who says she feels sorry for the likes of the Britney�s and Lindsay�s. Really, Ellen�s just trying to say she feels for those gals with IQ�s lower than 90, who somehow find themselves in the limelight.

A baby butch Ellen played a real castrating vigilante who whacks off Patrick Wilson – as a pedophile�s – nuts in the post-feminist shocker Hard Candy, but look for more of her in the lesbian werewolf flick Jack and Diane, co-starring Olivia Thirlby.

The films synopses reads like this, �Jack (Thirlby) and Diane (Page), two teenage lesbians, meet in New York City and spend the night kissing ferociously. Diane's charming innocence quickly begins to open Jack's tough skinned heart. But, when Jack discovers that Diane is leaving the country in a week she tries to push her away. Diane must struggle to keep their love alive while hiding the secret that her newly awakened sexual desire occasionally turns her into a werewolf.� – That sounds like every date I had in high school.

It�s great to see everyone�s favorite mumbler Jennifer Jason Leigh back in action in Margot at the Wedding, even if she pulled the short straw of playing Jack Black�s wife. The film stars Nicole Kidman, but Leigh�s worth the price of admission. Written and directed by The Squid and the Whale�s Noah Baumbach, look for loads of latent pseudo-sensitive poor-me male discovery and insight.

It�s been too long since Claire Fisher rode into the sunset in the Six Feet Under series finale but never fear, sexy and smart Lauren Ambrose stars in Starting out in the Evening with Six Feet Under co-star and indie queen Lily Taylor. Also appearing is Jessica Hecht, the cracker-jack actress who played Susan, Ross�s lesbian nemesis on Friends.

Hillary Swank, Lisa Kudrow and Gina Gershon play BFF�s in the romantic comedy P.S. I Love You, which also stars Gerard Butler and Kathy Bates. If Hillary Swank has learned anything from her career trajectory, she should steer clear from any role that doesn�t involve lopping off her hair and packing a tube sock, or packing the punches in an over-the-top melodrama co-starring Morgan Freeman as a wise and haggard old man. – Gay Link Content

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