This week in the world of lesbian gossip
Tracy E. Gilchrist | November 16, 2007
America�s favourite big-boobed, blonde country star
What better way to kick off the binge eaters� high holy holiday than with America�s fave famously big-boobed, blonde country star and cultural icon, Ms. Dolly Parton? While basting the turkey in your bathrobe and guzzling Italian Roast and Bloody Mary�s to prep for the impending family din-din, tune into the Macy�s Day Parade to watch Queen Dolly thrust the parade into high gear with �Better Get to Livin��, the first release off of her upcoming album Backwoods Barbie.
At once fully with and without irony, Dolly and her D-cups are the perfect choice to launch the glitz and tackiness of the holiday season, which the Macy�s Day Parade – replete with majorettes, American Idol cast offs, run-away inflatable Underdogs and cloying parade commentators – embodies.
And because a girl can never have too much Dolly, a musical version of the feminist romp Nine to Five is steamrolling ahead, with tall drink of water and always worth the price of admission, Allison Janney stepping into Lily Tomlin�s pumps to play Violet, the beleaguered secretary with the hottest cup of coffee in the cubicle. Also on board are Broadway babies, Stephanie J. Block taking on Jane Fonda�s mousy Judy, and Megan Hilty with the toughest task of all – filling out Dolly�s brassiere to play sexy, smart and sassy Doralee.
Queen Dolly, who�s written a gazillion tunes, including Whitney Houston�s The Bodyguard breakout �I Will Always Love You,� is penning the score. With infectious, down home lyrics like these, it can�t go wrong� "Tumble Out of bed and stumble to the kitchen; Pour myself a cup of ambition, and yawn, and stretch, and try to come to life�. The musical hits Broadway in 2009, which means – in the po-mo vein of The Producers and Hairspray – an inferior musical film with loads of stunt casting, will be sure to follow.
On the subject of classic movies, books or television shows turned Broadway musical, since apparently, decent writers went on strike decades ago – or at least the American public can�t hack an original idea – Laura Ingalls Wilder�s iconic books on Little House on the Prairie are slated for a Broadway makeover – or will it be based on the TV show? Who can tell? As a budding lesbo growing up in the seventies, I never comprehended the appeal of Melissa Gilbert�s prairie-fied innocence. I think I always preferred a little more skin since my television viewing of choice during that era included Charlie�s Angels and the original Jaime Somers in her tennis skirt.
Also, look for the little Oscar winning movie that could, Rocky, to hit the stage. While the original Rocky has that �pull yourself up from the bootstraps appeal,� a Rocky musical has debacle written all over it.
For music lovers, Sunday�s American Music Awards� winners confirmed what we already know, that America still prefers manufactured, soulless drivel to the real thing. But congrats to American Idol alumna and cutie Carrie Underwood for landing the inauspicious monikers of Favorite Female Country Singer and Favorite Country Album – blah, blah, blah�
Meanwhile, the original Idol, Kelly Clarkson�s hitting the road with living and breathing Country legend and her own personal idol Reba McEntire for a major tour. Kelly received a royal slap on the wrist earlier this year from Big Daddy record producer Clive Davis when Kelly attempted to step out of the circumscribed block of pop music mediocrity and she f***ed with the man, Davis that is. Good on Kell. Taking it on the road with her idol will only up the sweet-as-pie wanna-be bad-girl Kelly�s musical chops.
After playing second fiddle to salt and pepper haired frumpy weirdo Taylor Hicks, Kat McPhee enjoyed a modicum of commercial success. But now, the cutest idol to writhe around for the viewer�s – and Randy Jackson and Simon Cowell�s – pleasure, has said �I do,� to her dirty old man boyfriend Nick Cokas. Tricky Nick�s a 41-year-old musical theater performer got into Kat�s knickers two years ago when she was a sweet, and not-so-innocent, randy 22 year old. But really, congrats to Kat and her cradle robbing man. They really do seem blissful.
On the subject of music, real live singer songwriter and pianist, adorable Aussie Missy Higgins has kinda sorta copped to being just a little bit queer. Australia�s premiere lezzie magazine, Cherrie, asked Missy if she fit into the mold of "not-so-straight girls', and Higgins replied rather indefinitively, �Um, yeah, definitely. I think a lot of people fall under that broad umbrella term. I think sexuality is a fluid thing and it's becoming increasingly more acceptable to admit that you're that way,� Higgins enlightened Cherrie.
Is it me or is �fluid sexuality� right out of the Shane playbook circa The L Word season one? Still, Missy�s great eye candy and a gifted performer, so admitting to the non-committal being not so straight, is a plus.
Just a note to classic non-committer and eternal fence sitter Queen Latifah, who recently told Glamour that she�s got no problem getting attention from the fellas� If Queen wants to eschew her gay lady fans, she should try to look less fetching than she did performing at the American Music Awards. That Queen is one fine-assed lot of woman.
Another Queen, Cate Blanchett just graced The Advocate as the �Coolest Straight Women 2007,� and adding to the chiseled cheek-boned beauty�s cool is her upcoming role playing the rebellious era Bob Dylan in gay boy director extraordinaire Todd Hayne�s high-concept I�m Not There. Word has it Cate kills as the rebel blue-eyed son.
Not quite as cool as Cate – in fact a little nerdy – but hot nerd humanitarian Natalie Portman has climbed aboard the Angelina Jolie/Brad Pitt and Charlize Theron/Stuart Townsend train, vowing she�s not into marriage since the gays can�t do it. �I�m not convinced about marriage. Divorce is so easy, and that fact that gay people are not allowed to marry takes much of the meaning out of it. �Committing yourself to one person is sacred,� says little Natalie, who made mince meat out of a stripper pole in Closer. The queers continue to set the trends. Once gays can marry, everyone will want to do it and it won�t be cool anymore� Damn! Those hets take everything away from us.
For all those Damages fans who�ve been jones-ing since Glenn Close and her prot�g�/rival, the lovely Rose Byrne, the May/December pairing has signed on to go mano y mano for another two seasons. There�s hope out there for drug and booze soaked Hollywood drivers.
Like Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie and Michelle Rodriguez before her, La Former Lush Lindsay Lohan paid her debt to society for an entire 84 minutes – a full two minutes more than Nicole Richie spent in the clink. Linds dragged her rehabbed ass to Los Angeles� Lynwood Detention Center to pay up on two drunken driving convictions, that included harassing her former assistant, crashing her Benz and ditching cocaine with D.J. pal and lesbo hanger on, Samantha Ronson.
More congratulations are in order for former ER beauty, seven-months preggers Juliana Margulies – who avoided slapping her baby with the �bastard� label – and married her fianc�, attorney Keith Leiberthal at a small wedding in the Massachusetts� Berkshires. Starring as the gorgeous but tough-as-nails defense attorney – because that hasn�t been done before – in the upcoming Canterbury�s Law television show, the raven-haired Juliana wooed gay girls� hearts playing Kyra Sedgwick�s girlfriend in the Thanksgiving themed What�s Cooking?
For more queer Thanksgiving movie oeuvre, there�s always director Jodie Foster�s hilarious modern classic Home for the Holidays. Jodie�s little holiday flick doesn�t boast girl on girl turkey basting, but Robert Downey Jr. turns in a nuanced – if not – hyperactive performance as the gay brother. But thanks to Jodie for casting lithe little Holly Hunter and the always easy on the eyes Claire Danes as mother and daughter. – Gay Link Content
Crossing the picket line