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Gossip So Good, It's Got To Be Gay


Ross von Metzke | November 05, 2007

Mario Lopez is hot but such an ass

Mario Lopez is hot, but he sure did piss a few folks in Chula Vista off this week.

As you know, Mario is from the San Diego suburb� he swam and did musical theatre there long before he scored Saved by the Bell. So it should seem only fitting he�d return on occasion to pay tribute to the community that supported his rise to fame.

And he was supposed to – until the California wildfires ravaged his plans to pay tribute a group of families whose lives have been affected by domestic violence. Mario was supposed to be the celebrity guest and even bust a move or two he learned on Dancing With the Stars.

But the fires kept him from dropping by.

At least that�s the excuse he gave.

Note to Mario. When you slap on a speedo the cast of Queer as Folk wouldn�t even be caught dead in and party it up at the Playboy Mansion, there�s gonna be photos. And while the good folks of Chula Vista were waiting to see your smiling mug, your ass was posing for this shot.

You look damn good – too bad you�re such an ass.

Sex tapes, rap sheets, a suicide attempt and one citizenship attempt denied – just another week in Hollywood? Yes� but a particularly messed up week to say the least.

It all started when Britney Spears lost her kids – come now, who didn�t see that one coming? You can�t change your wig in the middle of a custody hearing and expect a judge to find you stable enough to raise toddlers.

Sadly, Britney bid adieu to Sean Preston and Jayden James the same day her first studio release in four years, Blackout, hit record stores. The reviews are actually quite good – not that Britney needed to be present to make most of the album, but that is her image in hooker boots, a black weave and a leather Bustier is on the cover. Seems only fair she get some of the credit.

And as for that now famous, "It�s Britney, bitch," that greets fans at the start of �Gimme More��big shock� not her idea. As she so eloquently let Ryan Seacrest know in their mid morning phone chat Wednesday – �Omigawd (at least I think that�s how you�d spell it)� that was, it� it wasn�t my idea, the guy who wrote the song told me to do that�.

She then promptly handed the phone to her cousin Alli and hopped in the shower.

At the very least, Brit�s not in jail� yet. Former Prison Break star Lane Garrison didn�t get so lucky – he got sentenced to 40 months in the slammer for getting high as a kite on coke, crashing his car and killing one of his passengers.

They could always just send him to Fox River and shoot season three around him.

Da Brat�s doing some time in the slammer too – for allegedly clocking some bitch in an Atlanta night club with a bottle of Rum. How lady like.

It all went down at Jermaine Dupri�s Studio 72� Brat, probably high as a kite, got pissed at a waitress and smacker her with the bottle.

It broke, she got cut and now the lady lovin� lezzie�s on the cell block waiting to appear before a judge.

Something tells me she�s not too pissed about it – maybe Queen LaLa will swing by for a conjugal visit! Or Mariah Carey – they�re BFF�s since Glitter, you know, even though Mariah don�t do the fish trip.

Further south, Paulina Rubio�s going to have to wait for citizenship – for another three years. Apparently, that�s how long you have to wait when the cops find drugs in the toxicology report that comes back when you apply to be an American.

To be fair, they just found pot. In her hubby, on the other hand, they found weed, coke and ecstasy. Could it be Paulina's system just flushes better?

Caliente!

Thankfully, Paulina can wait it out at her massive abode in Madrid� or Mexico City� or Miami – or all three. Next time, Paulina, quit partying at least three months before filing your paperwork� or at least swing by a Rite Aid and do one of those drug flush kits.

Heather Mills, who I�d almost come to terms with, lost me again – she�s still crying about her breakup with Paul, which includes attacks that he didn�t protect her from the media and that they�d slung so much dirt at her, she thought about killing herself.

OK, I�m not making light of thoughts of suicide – it�s certainly no laughing matter – but the fact that they seemed to coincide with her appearance on Dancing With the Stars seems a tad suspect, don�t you think?

Anyhoo, what�s said is said, and with Heather using the same British media to attack the British media she claims came after her, her publicists are at a loss. What to do, what to do! Cut her!

Yup – her team dropped her ass like a hot potato. To add insult to injury, they had this to say: �It doesn�t sit [well] with our company when one of our clients is attacking newspapers while we are trying to build relationships.�

Why exactly does she need publicists?

If her team is looking for clients eager to do anything the press wants to become famous, Amy Fisher could probably use a rep. Long Island�s Lolita decided to capitalize on her infamy and release a sex tape� and truth be told, it�s not half bad. It�s not Colin Farrell sticking his 10-inches inside a hooker, but it�s a hell of a lot more entertaining that other tapes we�ve seen. We�re particularly fond of her double-D�s.

If you must (and you're of legal age!), you can check out a preview of the video here here.

For those of you who now need something to cure your temporary bout with blindness, check out Maroon 5 lead singer Adam Levine�s Halloween wear. Not sure, but we think he�s channeling the original metro hottie Brad Pitt circa Fight Club. Not quite the eight pack Brad sported, but nice all the same.

Adam sure is courting the gay fan base these days – wonder what he�s trying to tell us.

Many Broadway fanatics mourned the passing of Robert Goulet this week. The Camelot star passed at age 73 while waiting for a lung transplant. But at least one person was not saddened by the news.

For a fleeting moment Tuesday afternoon, someone managed to hack into his Wikipedia page and replace the 1,000 word dissertation of his life and accomplishments with this doozie: �Robert Goulet was a no talent hack who should have retired 30 years ago when people still knew who he was. He will not be missed.�

Ouch!

Someone far more deserving of a gentle knock upside the head is Ann Coulter, who got her just desserts this week when she sat down to dinner with friends at gay ground zero – Weho. No less, gay circuit party promoter Jeffrey Sanker�s restaurant.

The wait staff reluctantly served her, even apologizing to patrons for her being there. One customer snapped a few photos with his cell phone camera, to which one of Coulter�s compadres responded with accusations of molestation.

Excuse me? I feel molested simply having to write about the wench.

Hypocrite, or just plain too stupid to know what part of town she�s in? Check out Rick Jacobs� blog on the subject!

And that, my friends, should do it for the week – some weeks, I�m just glad no one follows me around with a camera. I sure couldn�t handle my drunken bar tirades, sexual indiscretions, suicide attempts and custody battles caught on tape.

Until next time – remember: Take some time to stop and smell the gossip! – Gay Link Content


  • Ross von Metzke is the Entertainment Editor of Gay Web Monkey and GayWired.com. The former Editor in Chief of Xodus Magazine, his work has appeared in YM, Performing Arts, The San Diego Union Tribune, Entertainment Weekly, Instinct and Link. Ross lives in Los Angeles.


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