This week in the world of lesbian gossip
Tracy E. Gilchrist | November 02, 2007
The high holy day of the year for the secular set that likes to play dress up. Hollywood�s mini sin city West Hollywood – or Weho, as the locals say – becomes a ghoulish, garish den of iniquity, closing down a chunk of its thoroughfare, Santa Monica Boulevard – and the boys and girls, who are already out, come out at night to play, prance and prowl the streets for Halloween.
Here�s a smattering of last-minute, dyked out celeb costume concepts: Vintage, Baby-dyke Angelina Jolie: Costume comes with jeans, white t-shirt, leather jacket and short haircut circa Angie�s nascent Foxfire days. Also includes a Jenny Shimizu look-a-like doll with Angie's hand sewn onto Jenny�s back pocket for an ass perma-grab. Ya know, because Angie once said she was attracted to the Dante�s Cove star because of how Jenny looked in her jeans. Optional – knives for cutting and makeshift tattoo kit.
Hillary Clinton the Wellesley Years: Comes with conservative skirt and turtleneck and a string of pearls to wear over the turtleneck, a Seven Sisters stick-pin, and a set of barrettes to pull back the same do Hills has worn for 45 years. Complete with college-ruled notebooks and worn copies of the Jane Austen collection and Willa Cather�s Oh Pioneers.
Rachel and Monica the Late Years: Great for you and a gal-pal or your – wink – platonic BFF. Rachel and Monica ditch Ross and Chandler, move out of Monica�s impossible rent NYC apt. to rural Vermont and go vegan. Complete with matching blonde and brunette mullet wigs, a choice of Crocs, matching fleece hoodies a couple of cats and a compost pile. Tip for remaining in character – Monica�s the top!
The L Word Group Costume: Your gang of grrrls can hit the town like those glammed up hot-asses on The L Word. There�s the Jenny costume, complete with loads of lace tops, Egyptian style eyeliner, an irreplaceable Betty Paige style wig and bi-polar meds. Or the Max, which comes with coveralls and a giant tube sock for perfect placement.
How about the Alice with wildy expensive for a writer and your average Lesbo, Michael Kors shoes and a string to pull for instantly witty repartee. The Bette comes with a full wig of gorgeous curly hair, paste on chiseled deltoids and toothpicks to hold your eyes as wide as possible. The Shane consists of a pair of low-hanging, belted $400 jeans, a Strokes t-shirt and a wig that any fourth grader could shag into shape. Note: The Shane fits only girls yet to hit puberty.
Bionic Woman: Complete with tracksuit pants and a half shirt and fake six-pack abs plate. Optional tongue comes affixed to the abs plate, modeled after Michelle Ryan. Also optional, a hot-assed Sarah Corvis nemesis outfit.
Vintage Bionic Woman: Get your bionic circa 1976 on with a white, polyester track suit and Lindsay Wagner�s feathered blonde locks wig and a Whisper 2000 to emulate bionic hearing. Also, comes with a Sleep Number bed for those too lazy to get off their asses.
The Ellen Degeneres Dog Debacle Costume: Ellen�s decked out in a sweater vest, flat-front chinos and tennis shoes. Includes afixable perma-tears, a Toto-esque adopt-a-pup and a curb Ellen can kick the dog to when it annoys her pussies a tad too much.
The Queen Latifah and Michelle Rodriguez I Love Me Some Man Meat Costumes: Queen and M-Rod outfits complete with a studly male blow-up doll and a pull string that attests to these two Sapphic-rumored titans not being able to get enough testosterone infused lovin�. Also, comes with an ex-gay Ministry trial membership card.
The M-Rod Prison Costume: Quick and easy, a striped uniform and cap, complete with soap-on-rope and a license plate making kit.
Now for a Blender round-up of this weeks Sappho-Centric news: Presidential frontrunner and honorary Lesbo, Hills Clinton celebrated her 60th birthday at New York�s Beacon Theater with what else? – a fundraiser disguised as a birthday party. Much cooler than we all know she�s ever been, Hills landed alt-rock crooner and hubby to smokin� Diana Krall, Elvis Costello, to sing a couple of ditties in her honor.
Neil Sedaka, Karen Carpenter, Gene Pitney, even Joan Baez� all likely part of Hills� iTunes downloads but it�s doubtful the Wellesley nerd ever got down with some �Peace, Love and Understanding.� Still Bobby D�s son Jakob Dylan and The Wallflowers joined Costello for a few tunes, in hopes of upping Hills� earnestly cool ante.
Those manly, misogynists over at Maxim have laid down their collective decree on the Top 10 Unsexiest Women of the year and Sex and the City�s Sarah Jessica Parker tops their list. Mind you, this is the same group of brainchildren that once deemed Britney Spears hotter than Empress Angelina. They have since recanted their Britney approval and tossed her tired ass on the unsexy list too.
Still, pseudo-intellectual, metrosexual horn dog males do take solace in Maxim�s lists. Hey Sarah�s widely skewered for her �equine� features, but I�d like to see those Maximbitches walk 20 long New York blocks in a pair of Jimmy Choos. Tooth-challenged and bee-hived Amy Winehouse took second place on their list, and until girl cleans up her act and bathes in Purel, I don�t exactly disagree.
Grey�s Anatomy�s darling Sandra Oh – who kicked the ever-loving crap out of Thomas Haden Church�s whiny, self-absorbed character in Sideways – also made Maxim�s cut of un�sexy pieces. As did the perpetually sculpted Madonna. Well that�s a clear case of the literary nerd-ass male feeling threatened. Madonna�s balls are bigger than the collective Maxim editorial department, and both she and Sandra Oh, could top any one of them.
As opposed to going gay on her vacations with BFF Gayle King, Oprah went gay around the world on her show last week. Sure it was a sensitive – ahem, probe – into the forbidden queer zones of India and Jamaica, but really, the big O could have done so much more for the gay community had she just hooked up with one of her female guests. Big-brained activist, poet and cutie-pie Staceyann Chin represented for the lesbian set, making us look less crazy and emotional than Ellen of late and Rosie of�well�ever.
The long-anticipated dykiest show on earth premieres in the US this week. Gear up for the fruit of Vanessa Redgrave�s loins, Joely Richardson, to get down and dirty with Ellen�s squeeze – and co pet-adoption conspirator – Portia de Rossi on nip/tuck. More to follow as the story – tee-hee – unfolds.
Teen angst in 19 easy episodes. My So Called Life, the complete series, replete with loads of commentary – but sadly no girl-on-girl make out sessions involving Claire Danes – is getting loads of play in Entertainment Weekly and the New York Times. Open a bag of Cheetos, paint your toes and revisit the show that introduced the world to Angela Chase and Jordan Catalano.
Fabulous actress who uses a mammography machine as a torture device against Mary Louise Parker�s Nancy Botwin on Weeds, Brooke Smith joins the cast of Grey's�yawn�Anatomy as Dr. Erica Hahn. After the post-Isaiah gay bashing, Brooke might be the perfect candidate to play it queer... Previously, Brooke�s played juicy, quirky characters on Crossing Jordan and Law and Order. She�s even done serious film work in the Chekhov-esque Vanya on 42nd Street. But to me, she will always be the Senator�s daughter who winds up in a well in Silence of the Lambs! Yikes! Yup, she�s the girl who rubs the lotion on her skin before she gets the hose again.
How�s that for a creepy, Halloween Blender ending, Precious? – Gay Link Content
Ellen prefers pussy!