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Ross von Metzke | May 14, 2007

Paris behind bars, Lindsay on her way there and Kelly in hot water

You know I�ve formed myself a new little habit – not a Lindsay Lohan sized habit, something healthier and ultimately more fulfilling.

No, my habit has to do with how I kick off this column – and while I know most of you look forward to trashing – talking Hollywood starlets and fashion victims right alongside me each week, I also know you love a good set of abs – which is why I�ve taken to introducing each week with a different hunk of the hour.

And this week is no exception – in fact, I must admit, there are very few people on Earth I go totally nuts over, but one of them is, with out question, Falcon Exclusive Roman Heart.

Yes a porn star folks – one wearing clothing in these photos, however little of it. If you�re one of those who follows the soap opera style travails of the adult entertainment industry, you know that Roman used to be linked at the hip to Rascal Exclusive Benjamin Bradley. They parted ways, Ben hooked up with Brat Boy School founder Ethan Reynolds and the two of them paired up with Ginch Gonch to be their undie spokesmodels.

Now Roman�s got an underwear line of his own – he�s representing Andrew Christian in photos for the summer swimwear campaign. Brace yourselves – you might need a dip in the deep end after feasting your eyes on these.

Like what you see (the suit, not the stud)? Visit AndrewChristian.com for tons more fun where that came from.

Nothing in the news this week is getting near as much attention as Paris Hilton. That�s because clock�s ticking until she zips up her orange jumper, hops the bus to Northern California and tallies 45 days behind bars.

Will she actually go?

Remains to be seen, though the hotel heiress and attempted actress is doing anything and everything possible to rally support and get the evil judge to overturn his sentence.

She�s played dumb – telling the judge she had no idea she couldn�t drive after being convicted of a DUI, then being convicted of violating her probation by speeding through the streets of West Hollywood with her headlights off on a suspended license. He asked if she�d ever read the terms of her suspension as explained out by the DMV. Her response? I have people to read those things.

She�s played apologetic – asking the judge for leniency because she was sincerely sorry for the trouble she�d caused and was the victim of being confused.

She�s played the fame card – teaming with a fan on MySpace to get people to sign a petition and have Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger overturn her sentence.

She�s even played smart – hiring a DUI specialist to get her sentence reduced and releasing a statement through her lawyer saying she�ll accept whatever punishment is in store for her� that she does not believe she is above the law.

What Paris Hilton has yet to play is the final card in her publicity tour de force, which I can only imagine will be a fifth season special: The Simple Life – Behind Bars. Paris leading arts and crafts, Paris ordering LeMer and Shiseido for the showers, Paris and any number of Hollywood himbo�s popping out back for a conjugal visit. E! execs are probably creaming in their respective shorts as I type.

One person who refuses to comment on the fiasco – Lindsay Lohan. That�s probably because she has enough troubles of her own these days. Despite making a valiant effort to convince her fellow Americans she�s gone sober, pics popped up of Lins snorting coke at a club last week. Her lawyer was livid at the invasion of privacy – her publicist perturbed by the fact that Lins can�t even find solace in the ladies room. Round and round they went, but no one bothered to deny the fact that the pictures do indeed show Lindsay sticking a powdery mound of something up her nose.

And if that weren�t bad enough, reviews for her latest attempt at being considered a serious actress are pitiful. If possible, Georgia Rule is faring even worse than Jane Fonda�s comeback vehicle, Monster in Law, though Lindsay�s getting better reviews than JLo did for that dud.

The true bashing is aimed squarely at director Garry Marshall, who�s charged with trying to make a feel good movie out of plot devices including alcoholism, abuse, molestation and depression. In a case of life imitating art, critics claim watching Lindsay�s wild child portrayal is less interesting than picking up a copy of US Weekly.

Perhaps it�s time to de glam and ask Halle Berry how she managed to go from drunken hit and run vixen to Academy Award winner.

Those of you who thought we�d heard the last of Bobby and Whitney�think again?

No, she hasn�t sent Ray J. packing in hopes of a reconciliation, but Whitney is having more trouble than she probably thought she would getting Bobby out of her life. Minutes before the ink is dry and the train wreck that was Bobby and Whitney is but a distant memory, Bobby B. is asking a judge to reconsider the terms of their divorce settlement, claiming he deserves to spend more time with Bobbi Kris and that Whit should pay him spousal support. Oh, and just for good measure, he added that he�s gone homeless at times since their split.

OK, I�m gonna say this plain and simple. Bobby Brown had two hit albums with New Edition and two hit albums as a solo act. He�s reunited with New Edition not once, not twice, but three times, recording albums, touring the world� and for a brief spell, Whitney would throw him a bone now and then by recruiting him for a duet on one of her albums.

If Tiffany, Taylor Dayne, Rick Astley, Jody Watley, Ralph Tresvant and all of the other countless 80�s acts who haven�t put out an album in nearly a decade can manage to stay afloat, why the hell can�t Bobby? Cracked though Whitney may have been for years, it�s clear she has no interest in or obligation to pay the way for Bobby�s countless kids by other women.

Sometimes, a man�s gotta be a man. So stop coming after Whitney�s cash and go get a real job, Bob.

Hey, Bobby could always take up producing – word on the street is Kelly Clarkson�s looking for a few good songs.

If rumors are to be believed, Arista mogul and music man Clive Davis took one listen of Kelly�s new album and told her to scrap that crap. Most diva�s would take Clive�s advice to heart� after all, he is credited with making virtually every career in music a success story.

Kelly though – she had a slightly different approach.

She managed to convince Clive of the impossible� to put his millions behind an album he doesn�t believe in and trust her.

And you know what? He did.

Though, it does seem a tad fishy that the release of Kelly�s album�s now been pushed back a month. I mean, if Clive�s really come to terms with the fact that Kelly�s putting her album out as is, why would he delay the inevitable?

I have a theory� Kelly really is re-recording and Clive and Kel have agreed to make it seem like what the public hears is really the album she recorded in the first place.

So long as Kel doesn�t pull a Brit and re-record �My Prerogative�.

Yet another check made out to Bobby – royalties from Britney Spears� version.

No sympathy –none.

And on that note, I�m signing off. Thanks for playing, as usual, and remember – always take the time to stop and smell the gossip.

  • Ross von Metzke is the Entertainment Editor of Gay Web Monkey and GayWired.com. The former Editor in Chief of Xodus Magazine, his work has appeared in YM, Performing Arts, The San Diego Union Tribune, Entertainment Weekly, Instinct and Link. Ross lives in Los Angeles.


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