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Gossip So Good, It's Got To Be Gay


Ross von Metzke | March 19, 2007

Substance abuse runs rampant in Hollywood

I�m kick starting this week�s column with the hottie (s) of the week – mostly because when you get a load of all the crap I�m going to pile on you this week, me thinks you�re going to need it.

Folks, meet the new faces of Ginch Gonch – real life couple Ethan Reynolds and Benjamin Bradley.

You know Benjamin from his string of adult videos, and his former, very public relationship with fellow adult actor Roman Heart.

Ethan�s best known for his uber-popular blog, Brat Boy School.

While in the back of my mind I technically think it sucks that two people so hot should be allowed to actually be together in real life, I can't begrudge people their happiness in these trying times so more power to them.

I present exhibit a that these boys are hot!

If you want to get a load of their entire body of work, visit www.GinchGonchBoys.com... Me thinks you�ll like.

OK, now that we�ve settled that, onto the tragedy that is Hollywood this week.

In going through the headlines for this week�s column, I came to a conclusion: Hollywood�s a sick, sick place. If folks aren�t going to rehab, they should be. Of course, once they�re there, that doesn�t guarantee they�ll take it seriously.

Is it just me, or does Britney look a bit like a young Tammy Faye? Case in point – Britney Spears. Who else could we be talking about, really? I know you can�t trust everything you see and hear, but reliable sources indicate there�s much truth to what I�m about to tell you.

In addition to her frequent field trips and recent decision that she�s not an alcoholic but a victim of post-partum depression, Britney now allegedly has a new man in her life. Most people I know who complete a twelve step are urged to steer clear of relationships until they get their lives back on track, but Britney, who�s yet to even sign divorce papers, has allegedly formed a �deep� and �spiritual� connection with Riva guitarist Jason Filyaw while in rehab.

So deep and spiritual, he told gossip Web site TMZ.com.

What the fuck happened to the anonymous part of AA?

But I guess we can�t Britney bash too much – at least she�s getting help. Can�t say the same for Nicole Richie who, despite claiming her substance abuse problems are behind her (and that she�s eating), is allegedly still taking a mix of uppers and downers that not only suppress her appetite and her ADD moments, but apparently send her into a near catatonic state on occasion not unlike the behavior of a certain recently deceased supermodel.

Anna Nicole�s one death too many, Rich – nip it in the bud.

Nancy Kerrigan bet on the other girl In other substance abuse news, a shockingly obese Tonya Harding pulled a Margot Kidder earlier this week and went nuts.

Harding blamed her asthma medication for an erratic call she placed to police claiming four men and a woman tried to break into hear car and steal her meds and had asked if they could stash weapons in her trailer. Friends reported later she was seeing things and �tweaking out.� All of this screams Central Valley, a meth lab and needles, but folks say she was wigging out because of an adverse reaction to a new med.

Most people just break out in a rash. But not Tonya – come on, when has Tonya ever been normal.

Oh, and yes, that�s Tonya Harding in the ring. Since she�s become the laughing stock of Olympic history, the bitch pays bills by knocking people out for a living.

Fergie may be long on the wagon after kicking her addiction to crystal meth (Fergie as in �alicious�, not the Duchess of York), but that doesn�t mean she�s stopped consuming all mind-altering substances.

The Black Eyed Peas front woman was prevented from boarding a trans Atlantic flight earlier this week when airport officials deemed her too drunk to fly.

You figure, once they get up in the air they�re gonna serve her a half-dozen mini�s anyway, so why not just kick the party off early? I mean, what�s the worst that can happen – she wets her pants? Been there, done that.

The other three Peas boarded the flight to London and bid Ferg adieu. She waited for her bags to be offloaded and caught the next flight.

Shockingly, there are people in Hollywood who aren�t abusing drugs or booze, though Mario Vasquez may just pick up a habit when he spends some time soaking in recent headlines alleging he attacked an American Idol accountant in the men�s restroom while a contestant on the show�s fourth season.

Rumors Mario�s gay just get a whole lot more convincing – the accountant claims Mario was rubbing his genitals, pulled down his pants and offered oral sex.

To the accountant? Didn�t you learn anything in school. You blow the producer, not the guy who balances his checkbook. I mean, at the very least, hit up Ryan Seacrest while you�re at it. To hear Simon Cowell tell it (season after season after season), he�s more than a friend of gay.

Of course, we�ve been hearing the gay rumors since season one, but just this week on Idol, during an awkward exchange about high-heels, Simon basically told Ryan to come out of the closet.

These two jet ski together in the Bahamas when they aren�t filming, so I�m thinking it was all in good fun.

Still, Mario, take one for the team and find out definitively, will you? Your debut album sold a whopping �K-Fed� like 34,000 copies – it�s not like you have anything better to do.

 She's gonna blow! And, just to prove I�m not totally unfeeling, how about some uplifting news. Tori Spelling finally got that whale out of her gut and gave birth this week. Hell, even mama Candy turned out for the affair. Something tells me Tori�s one happy new mama – especially since she looked about 13 month pregnant when she finally popped. Here�s hoping for a happy homecoming. Don�t forget to tune in for the premiere of Tori�s new reality series, Tori & Dean: Inn Love, coming soon.

And that about does it or this week�s snarky collection of thoughts. Until next time.

  • Ross von Metzke is the Entertainment Editor of Gay Web Monkey and GayWired.com. The former Editor in Chief of Xodus Magazine, his work has appeared in YM, Performing Arts, The San Diego Union Tribune, Entertainment Weekly, Instinct and Link. Ross lives in Los Angeles.


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