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Ross von Metzke | March 12, 2007

Naomi Campbell, Star Jones, Bobby Brown and more

Don�t expect Naomi to don a French maid�s skirt when she picks up some Ajax and a mop for Sanitation Sunday next week. When Naomi�s down on her knees with a scrub brush, me thinks she�ll contemplate placing a call to T-Mobile to discontinue service. One less inanimate object to tempt her when her maid rolls in late from a long weekend.

Stellar work, whatever judge came up with Naomi�s punishment. Teach her to stop beating the help by making her work like the help. Scrub a dub-dub while the type of men likely to work in a sanitation department stand by with Sports Illustrated Swimsuit editions from years past and tell Naomi to stay on her knees. Eye for an eye indeed.

And while we�re at it, shouldn�t someone send up a flare to housekeepers everywhere with Naomi�s bio and resume – work for this bitch at your own risk.

Weirder still is that after a failed stint on public access radio, Court TV is giving Star Jones her old job back – well, not exactly. It�s a new show this time, combining criminal justice with the media.

Justice my ass – if there were any justice in this world, Star Jones would be on unemployment with 4.6% of Americans. I should stop – she says she wishes The View well. I don�t believe her, but it�s a nice gesture.

No sooner did that DC radio station bail Bobby out of the slammer than he turned around, came up with $20K and said sayonara. Hell, he didn�t even make it through a ten minute phone interview – hung up in the middle of the call.

Whitney took him and Bobbi Kris out for dinner in LA the next night.

Wonder who popped for the plane ticket to fly him out there?

Word is they left in separate cars. Whitney doesn�t want him to know where she lives� it takes seven years to get a squatter off your property in the state of California once he starts getting mail there.

Footballer Tom Brady wasted no time kicking his ex to the curb. The one man impregnating squad got his ex gal-pal Bridget Monynahan (I can barely place her myself) preggers with his baby even though they�ve been splitsville for three months – conveniently, she�s four along – and now that Tom�s taken up with a new girl (supermodel Giselle Bundchen), reports indicate she�s with child too.

Of course you know how those baby bump reports go.

Might just be a big sweater – or perhaps she ate something.

Either way, I�d carry Tom Brady�s baby to term.

Speaking of babies, mother of two Britney Spears has managed to stay in rehab for nearly two weeks, though varied reports suggest she�s not happy, doesn�t believe she has a drinking problem and that it all boils down to post-partum depression (damn whoever gave her Brooke Shields� book without the Cliff Notes). And while the �Toxic� singer has been reprimanded for making cell phone calls and leaving to attend meetings elsewhere, one good thing has come of Britney�s stay at Promises.

She managed to get her hands on some cute clothes – online.

No more hoochie denim cutoffs and shirts that say she�s got the golden ticket in Britney�s future� no, given time to reflect, Britney�s gone couture. Too bad the only people who get to see it don�t have connections at U.S. Weekly or Perez.

Britney�s kicking it online cuz word is she�s not driving places while trying to get clean.

Prison Break castoff Lane Garrison ain�t driving either – but that�s cuz they took his license when he got all coked up and crashed his car. No word on when or if he gets it back. Til' then, he�s been seen around town taking the bus. Hot!

Rosie O�Donnell got thrown under the bus when she attacked American Idol (again), this time for being weightiest and racist – hear that, Ruben Studdard, you�re skinny and white!

The tirade came on the heels of learning that hottie contestant Antonella Barba was being allowed to remain on the show despite having nudie pics floating around online while three seasons ago, big, black and beautiful Frenchie Davis was given the boot for her past work in porn.

Antonella Barba� innocent titty shots that just happened to surface. Frenchie Davis – porn. Rosie doesn�t see the distinction, and therefore Idol has prevented her from showing any more clips.

Barbara Walters made it clear Rosie�s opinion is Rosie�s opinion – Joy said they should have that monogrammed across her chest.

Thing is, who�s going to cop to reading that?

Until next time – stop and smell the gossip!

  • Ross von Metzke is the Entertainment Editor of Gay Web Monkey and GayWired.com. The former Editor in Chief of Xodus Magazine, his work has appeared in YM, Performing Arts, The San Diego Union Tribune, Entertainment Weekly, Instinct and Link. Ross lives in Los Angeles.


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