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Ross von Metzke | September 26, 2006

Hollywood hussy Mischa Barton checks herself

Well, will wonders never cease.

One of those over-exposed Hollywood harlots – who seem to spend their waking hours clamoring for any sort of press they can get while swinging around their thousand dollar purses and launching into nasty, diva fuel tirades�has admitted to being a spoiled bitch.

OK, so maybe she put it a bit more tactfully than that, but Mischa Barton, who moved out of The OC last spring amid rumors she�d be focusing on her film career full time, admitted to reporters she was turning into a self-obsessed brat.

The 20-year-old actress, part of that Paris Hilton-Lindsay Lohan-Nicole Richie-Kimerley Stewart (insert name of 15 minutes and counting celeb here) monstrosity, has admitted that what we saw in the press was indeed true�her ego was spiraling out of control as she rose to fame on the popular Fox hit.

�I was becoming too high maintenance,� she told reporters in Great Britain. �Actors start talking about themselves as if they are the most important people on Earth – I was no different. We have to have a big belief in ourselves. For most of us all it's all about, 'Me, me, me.' It's a mad business.�

Barton then launched into this whole analogy about actors getting lost in the number of roles that they play, constantly having to be a different person and therefore losing touch of who they are at their core. A whole bunch of blah, blah, blah bull shit if you ask me. You played a spoiled teen in one of the most financially privileged zip codes in the world, and your excuse is that you started to become Marissa Cooper and lose sight of Mischa. Stick to the apology.

She found her way back to the point a few minutes later, capping this moment of self realization with the poignant: �At times I've thought to myself, 'I don't deserve this.' But I don't deserve anything – I'm 20, for goodness sake.�

Well now Mischa, finally something we can both agree on. And considering they�ve renamed your period romp with Hayden Christensen Virgin Territory (don�t even get me started on the many, many things I could do with that title) and opted to release it in that oh so congratulatory �all the pics we�re hoping will win us Oscars are out so now we can dump the rest of the shit collecting dust on our shelves� January slot, nothing might just be what you get.

But seriously, it�s a step in the right direction for Mischa, and though I�m not quite sold enough to consider myself a fan, I will give her the benefit of the doubt and lay off for the immediate future.



Lindsay Lohan checks herself in at the ER

Unfortunately, I wish I could be so kind to Lindsay Lohan, but no matter who says what about this unprofessional divette (I mean, good lord, when Rosie O�Donnell, Jane Fonda, William H. Macy and the head of the production company funding your new flick all say you�ve spun out of control, chances are they make a good point) she seems to keep landing her ass back in trouble.

Not two months after Lindsay wound up in the hospital for what she claimed was exhaustion (we got the translation the following morning when a Hollywood club owner provided proof she had actually been parting into the wee hours of the morning even though she was due on set to shoot at the butt crack of dawn), she checked herself back in – this time for a broken wrist.

Now, I�m not saying La Lohan – somehow doesn�t have the same ring to it as La Lucci; maybe because we all know Susan's not really a spoiled bitch – isn�t entitled to fall down and go boom. But it�s the way she does it. I mean, hell – Madonna gets thrown from a horse and we get nary a peep out of her until she�s completely rehabilitated. Lindsay slips at falls on a New York soundstage and suddenly she�s making her cast a fashion statement, telling anybody who will listen that there is a �pending investigation� regarding her slip and the responsibility of Milk Studios in the matter. She even returned to the same hospital less than 48 hours later claiming to be in excruciating pain, camera crews in tow.

Now I�m not completely unsympathetic. I broke my nose in sixth grade – I know how painful bone breaks can be. And I know that when you�re Lindsay Lohan and you show up at the emergency room, especially when it�s you 173rd trip there this year, you can�t really control which reporters are going to be following you in.

But it all seems suspect to me when you consider now is the perfect time for Lindsay to be rallying sympathy for her corner. I mean, last week, we pretty much established that everyone in Hollywood hates her. We know what Paris and friend/asshole Brandon Davis think about her �firecrotch.� Careful when you click. It�s nasty! And now that she may be planning to sue a studio, well �

We�ll keep you posted on the world against Lindsay Lohan – I, for one, have my money on the world.



Willie Nelson gets busted

In news I�m sure is bound to shock the hell out of you – Willie Nelson arrested for drug possession.

No shit!

Marijuana and magic mushrooms were found on Nelson's tour bus during a routine police inspection in Louisiana. The cop made it a point to say that while 0.7kg of marijuana and 91grams of mushrooms were confiscated, everyone on the tour bus was �really nice and cooperative.�

Which further goes to support my claim that pot heads are of no danger to anyone. You don�t hear about physically abusive pot head hubbies or the guy who plowed over a crosswalk full of kids cuz he had the munchies.

The 73-year-old singer and four tour crew members, including Willie�s 75-year-old sister Bobbie, were issued citations for the drugs and released. Nelson has long been a supporter for the legalization of pot, which is why the fact this is even a story cracks me up. I mean, that�s like being shocked when you find crack in Anna Nicole Smith�s nightstand.

Ouch. OK, that one hurt. Sorry Anna, you�ve got enough on your hands right now.

To paint a more accurate picture of just how big a stoner Willie is, Dukes of Hazzard co-star Johnny Knoxville recently told Playboy Magazine: �When Willie Nelson passes you a joint, you don't say no. I was on Mars for six hours.�



Katie Holmes wants to play Posh Spice

And finally, in an announcement that made me equal parts sick to my stomach and chomping at the bit to watch this train wreck implode, Katie Holmes is reportedly set to play Victoria Beckham in a film about hubby David Beckham�s life. So, as legend has it, Tom Cruise suggested the story of the football star's rise to fame to Paramount film studios before they ended his contract, and they quickly optioned the film. Now, in a random twist of events, Victoria has allegedly given her blessing for Katie to play her in the film after the two bonded during Katie�s �pregnancy� (in quotes because I still ponder that the kid may have been purchased).

A close friend of the Becks told London�s Daily Mirror: "Katie is perfect to play a young Posh and has been working on her accent."

Hmmm. Am I the only one noticing about a 20-lbs weight different? And no, I am not saying Katie is fat (although she will have to shed that �baby weight� stat if she wants to be ready for the projects rumored Winter shoot). But Victoria Beckham is, as the Brits might say, 2 stone soaking wet� and that�s after they�ve force-fed her a Turkey dinner with all the fixings and confiscated the Trimspa. I�d hate to see Katie join the growing ranks of actresses who think Turkey necks are all the rage (Kate Bosworth, have a fucking sandwich). I mean, she�s already been brainwashed, tortured and succumbed to experimental treatments that left her face ravaged in cold sores. What more do they want?

I know what more I want. After talk about fire-crotches, cold sores and bad actresses turned allegedly good, I want a bonafide hottie.



Hottie of the Week



And after watching a couple of weeks of Dancing With the Stars (and getting past Mario Lopez� yum), I started to notice how damn good Joey (Joseph) Lawrence looks. Even though the bald head does seem a bit Yul Brenner-ish, it�s certainly a huge step in the right direction from that mullet he sported on Blossom in the early �90s.



But truth be told, Joey has been a hottie since day one� hell, I bought his CD in the 1991 just cuz he was hot. And he just keeps getting better with age. As proof, a tribute to Joey, then and now!

And there you have it foks. The end of me this week. Looking forward to next time, and until then – stop and smell the gossip.

  • Ross von Metzke is the Editor in Chief of Xodus Magazine and a featured columnist for GayWired.com. His work has appeared in YM, Performing Arts, The San Diego Union Tribune, Entertainment Weekly, Instinct and Gay Web Monkey. Ross lives in San Diego.


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