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Ross von Metzke | September 18, 2006

Whitney Houston has finally seen the light

It was the announcement heard round the world.

After months of rumors, Whitney Houston made it official by filing for D-I-V-O-R-C-E from Bobby Brown after 14 years of marriage last week.

My phone started lighting up, my friend Charles started calling people to meet after work and celebrate, my dear friend and co-worker Duane Wells replied with �in honor of the first sober thing Whitney�s done in 14 years, I�m staying in tonight.�

Drink special and parody song dedications followed (�It�s My Prerogative to Kick Your Ass Out� and �Didn�t We Almost Smoke it All?� were two of my favs). Yes, the gays rallied behind Whitney�s decision to finally take a stand – but will it last?

We�ve been down this road before (never with official paperwork), but we have heard more rumors of �she�s packed the bags and moved out,� �she kicked him to curb,� �she�s supposedly in rehab and Bobby can�t find her� than I care to relive.

Plus the fact that gossips over at Fox News are supposedly fielding calls from �friends� of Whitney saying the couple is �addicted to each other.� Could this all just be the biggest hoax of all?

Let�s hope not. Let us all try to remember (hard as it might be) that long before Being Bobby Brown, the 4am Cheetos run in a fur coat and crooked wig, the Michael Jackson tribute concert, the Diane Sawyer interview, getting busted for trying to bring Mary Jane back from Hawaii, calling daughter Bobbi Kristina fat on live television, getting re-baptized in the River Jordan, Debra Wilson�s cracked out sketches from Mad TV –long before all of that, Whitney was a gifted singer. And if there�s even a shred of a shot at her reclaiming her former glory through the help and guidance of Mr. Clive Davis, then I will sit around and hope for clarity in Whitney�s life.

I mean, word has it she�s living in The OC with Bobbi Kris dining out, doing her own grocery shopping and seeking regular out patient treatment for substance abuse. That�s certainly a far cry from Fulton County, Georgia, and while I don�t know that cousin Dionne Warwick (who she was seen out with Tuesday night) is necessarily the best influence on Whitney in these trying times (remember, she too had a run in with the Po-Po over some illegal possession of the Ganja), it�s at least a step in the right direction.

So in honor of Whitney�s reawakening, I�d like to run a contest – see if you all can help pick up with a name for Whitney�s big comeback album. To get you started, I�ve penned a few.

Whitney Houston: Crossing Over

The Emancipation of Whitney Elizabeth

Whitney Houston: Bye Bye Bobby

Whitney Houston: I Came To

Have one to throw on the pile? Drop me an e-mail at buzz@himcorp.com and the winning title will be featured in next week�s column.

It seems everybody in Hollywood hates Lindsay Lohan

Now, on to somebody else who desperately needs to come to – Lindsay Lohan.

In addition to having pictures of her vagina splashed all over the internet (I�m not reposting them, but you can get a good look at PerezHilton.com), it seems just about everyone in Hollywood hates her.

When the President of Morgan Creek Entertainment, the production company behind Lindsay�s latest movie Georgia Rule, sent an open note to the actress (which means mom, publicist and manager all got copies too) essentially telling her to stop drink, start working or face the consequences if the movie tanks, it seemed a tad harsh, but probably not completely uncalled for.

Then William H. Macy, who�s featured in the upcoming Bobby with Lohan and whose wife Felicity Huffman stars opposite the actress in Rule, seconded the motion, telling reporters that while Lindsay is tremendously talented, �when you show up an hour late, 150 people have been scrambling to cover for you. And there is not an apology big enough in the world to make 150 people scramble. It�s inexcusable. It�s nothing but disrespect.�

OK, so monsieur Creek�s letter might just have some validity.

And then came the three/four punch of Jane Fonda (who�s Georgia Rule�s lead) and Rosie O�Donnell (who really has nothing do do with any of this, we just like hearing her shoot her mouth off.

First Jane, who took Lindsay to task for �burning both ends of the candle,� saying the actress was �going to pay the piper. You better slow down. It's hard after awhile to party very hard and work very hard. She learned that, I hope.�

And then Rosie chimed in by saying she doesn�t think the 20-year-old is handing fame very well, point to the fact that �it�s not like she was doing Dumb & Dumber 2. It's a Jane Fonda movie! Be early! I saw (Lohan) stumbling around a club drunk (once) and her mother was going, 'She's all right!' I can say this from experience: it's hard to be famous, and she's not doing it well at this point.�

OK, so it�s official. Lindsay Lohan is a bit of a drunken mess. I just try to keep reminding myself that I might be too had my father threatened to kill me on national television. But the fact that momma keeps carrying on like nothing�s wrong, please. It reminds me of Lynne Spears shoving champagne down Britney�s throat at her 18th birthday party. Come on, Dina. I know she�s a solid paycheck, but she�s also your daughter.

Britney Spears Now, a couple of news briefs just to keep you all in the loop

Yes, Britney Spears did give birth to another boy this week (rumor was it was a girl, but we have now confirmed she indeed popped out a boy). Supposedly, they�re calling this one Sutton, which screams pride and joy of the polo club to me. Furthering suspicion Britney really is making decisions at this stage in her life for the most white trash of reasons (first she gets preggers right after popping out the last one to avoid having to lose weight, and now she goes in to have the baby taken by C-section two days before Sean Preston�s first birthday so she doesn�t have to bake two cakes).

And in more serious news, as investigators continue to look into the death of Anna Nicole Smith�s son, its beginning to look a lot like fowl play. While no one is necessarily suggesting Anna herself is involved, with the coroner�s office ordering an inquest and the suggestion that anti-depressants and other prescription drugs were found in his system, it looks like this supposed �massive heart attack� may have more to it than meets the eye.

Trimspa baby? I ain�t saying nothing, I�m merely suggesting.

Aretha Franklin Before we get into chatting about our bad ass of the week, I�m going to introduce you to a photo that�s not so hot. Now I know Aretha Franklin is no longer a spring chicken. I also know that that when you get to be her age with as much respect as she�s managed to amass, it�s not terribly nice to be sitting around poking fun at her obvious misfortune.

But I am sorry. Queen of Soul or not, there is just no excuse for this. That little piece of dental floss around her neck looks bout to give, and as for the sandbags she has strapped to her chest, now I know who FIMA can call the next time the levees in New Orleans break.

Lucy Lawless Bad Ass of the Week

Alright, now that you�ve suffered through that I know I have to bring on the goods with our hottie of the week. And I think I�ve found one you all pretty much universally love. Though it has literally been years since Xena went off the air, you have found a permanent place in your hearts for Lucy Lawless. And I know you are thrilled she�s back on the air in Battlestar Gallactica. I am also proud to announce she�s one of the few folks who can actually sing on Celebrity Duets. Plus, she keeps coming out in skimpy costumes. How fun is that?

Hottie of the Week

Those of you who remember Saved By the Bell know that behind all of that tacky hyper-color, the snug whitewash denim jeans and the occasional run ins with spandex, Mario Lopez was shaping up to be one hunk of a man.

Fast forward a decade to the Mario Lopez of Dancing With the Stars, his body tones, biceps rippling. It�s the same Mario Lopez who pops up on nip/tuck � sharing a locker room shower with maybe gay Dr. Christian Troy (Julian McMahon). It might just be too much masculinity for me to handle, but I�m tivoing it all the same.

And so, my friends, I bid you a fand farewell. Drink one for Whitney tonight, and remember � crack is whack (we�ll return to our regularly scheduled sign off next week).

  • Ross von Metzke is the Editor in Chief of Xodus Magazine and a featured columnist for GayWired.com. His work has appeared in YM, Performing Arts, The San Diego Union Tribune, Entertainment Weekly, Instinct and Gay Web Monkey. Ross lives in San Diego.

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