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Ross von Metzke | September 11, 2006

America finally lays its eyes on the elusive baby Suri

So it finally happened.

America finally saw pictures of baby Suri. Four months after Katie Holmes silently squeezed that little munchkin out of her taut loins; after paparazzi (who can manage to catch stars drinking while they're preggers, Jennifer Aniston topless in her backyard and any other number of things their not supposed to see) came up empty handed; after Jada Pinkett Smith, Leah Remini and Penelope Cruz all vouched for the existence of the baby – four months later, proof she exists.

One problem.

That�s not their baby.

Cute kid – their kid, but cute.

OK, I know, I know. I�m a pessimist. There they are, on the cover of Vanity Fair, looking like a happy enough family, both parents staring lovingly into little Suri�s eyes. If it walks like a family and it talks like a family, it�s a family, right?

Should be. My only problem is after months of wondering what the kid looked like, the end result (and I�m likely to offend some people here, so don�t say I didn�t warn you) does not look like it came out of those two people. In fact, baby Suri looks more closely related to Maddox Jolie-Pitt than any woman from Toledo, Ohio meets a man from Syracuse, New York I�ve ever seen.

Some gossips are even suggesting the baby really belongs to Katie and former fianc� Chris Klein and, when she jumped off that ship, Tom stepped in and said �we�ll tell the world the baby�s mine.� I�m not gonna be the gossip who begs Tom to take a paternity test (or tracks down Ken Watanabe and suggests maybe he was involved). I�m merely saying no matter how cute and happy that baby looks, I have a sneaking suspicion there�s more going on there than meets the eye.

Moving on (but not from Tom), guess who presented Rosie O�Donnell with a big bouquet of flowers to celebrate her first day as host of The View?



Rosie O debuts on The View

Guess he doesn�t mind she�s on meds, as she lovingly told the audience within her first three minutes on the air.

In all fairness, he did supposedly apologize to Brooke Shields – and then turned right around and said he still believes anti-depressants are wrong. So even though he thinks Brooke and Rosie are still basically messed up human beings, I guess he�s still allowed to buy them floral arrangements.

And besides, Rosie was a tad two-faced when she said she was head over heels in love with Tom and then married a woman. Talk about your deception. Maybe Tom�s just sending the flowers to lure Rosie back into his Web and then drop her again when her fragile emotional state least expects it.

Regardless, on to Rosie and a score card for her first week on the air.

You know, I�ve gotta say � I didn�t have a whole lot of faith in Rosie�s ability to take over for Meredith Vieira. After all, Rosie�s a loud, liberal, opinionated, in your face, sometimes cheesy/sometimes crude comic. And while Vieira�s certainly got the sometimes cheesy/sometimes crude part down, though I have strong suspicions she�s a liberal, Vieira managed, for nine seasons, to play devil�s advocate on a number of hot button issues and let her co-hosts battle it out. Opinionated? Yes, but she played both sides. Loud? Only when necessary. And while Vieira has a tendency to be funny, she�s no comic.

No, Meredith Vieira was first and foremost a journalist, something Rosie is not and never will be.

But surprise, surprise�with the introduction of Rosie, The View becomes a more fitting version of what it probably should have been all along. An hour long gab fest, complete with talk about bobbies, bathing with your kids, homos and menopause (and three attacks on that haircut Rosie got right after she came out). Everyone�s personality came to life – Barbara Walters as the aging grandma hen; Joy Behar as Rosie�s straight man (no pun intended); and Elizabeth Hasselbeck as the conservative blonde at the end of the table you can�t wait for them to take down.

So, folks, I�m eating crow. Is Rosie O�Donnell a suitable replacement for Meredith Vieira? Not at all. But she�s completed reinvented a show that sorely needed it, and at the end of the hour, when all Is said and done, that former co-host who shant be mentioned is the furthest thing from your mind – which is the biggest testament to the power of Rosie.



Paris Hilton gives up her virginity

In other news – and I use the word news loosely, also because it�s a fitting word to describe our next subject of gossip – Paris Hilton has broken her vow of celibacy after less than a month by allegedly shacking up with newly single Blink 182 drummer Travis Barker.

The socialite turned singer – another word I use loosely (I just love saying loose and Paris in the same sentence) – had told the media she was swearing off sex and men for a year in an attempt to reconnect with herself. Instead, she connected with Barker at stripclub Spearmint Rhino in Los Angeles recently, where they split a limo ride (and perhaps another kind of ride) that prompted a source to tell the tabloids, "Their steamy show was more sizzling than the lap dances inside.�

Of course, having not been in the back of the limo myself, I can�t tell if there was any actual penetration or not, but I will vouch for the fact that having seen Paris� sex tape twice (once sober, once drunk, both excruciating), even if Travis had offered up his Barker, on-lookers might not have noticed. Paris is such a boring lay he could have gotten her preggers and people might have thought she was leaning forward for a cat nap.



Angelina and Jenny used to do S&M; dens

Not so much with our favorite former lesbian couple – Angelina Jolie and the shafted Jenny Shimizu – who, according to media reports, used to frequent dominatrix dens together.

Shimizu, who has been outspoken with her disapproval of the Jolie/Pitt pairing (cuz that�s going to score you brownie points if and when they ever break up, honey), has been sharing secrets of her relationship with Angie on a Web blog, and says that though the two haven�t been intimate since 2000, they share an intense and deep connection.

And apparently a love of pain.

Strip clubs.

Dance clubs.

S&M; dens.

Yup, Jenny says the pair did them all – and loved it. The pair met during the first week of shooting the long-forgotten flick Foxfire, made out a week later and became inseparable shortly after that. Apparently, she claims, producers of the film have tape of the two stars making out.

I can�t imagine they made much of a return off that flop, so my question is, when do the home movies go on sale?



Bad Ass of the Week

This week, the object of our affections is Diane Lane, who�s currently starring in the George Reeves biopic Hollywoodland. But the bigger news of Diane this week is her announcement that she screen tested for the Amy Irving role in Yentl






� which, as you know, starred Lane�s now mother in law Barbra Streisand as a woman who disguises herself as a man to enter religious training. Had she gotten the role, she and Barbra would have kissed, and Lane�s comment – ooooh, that would have been fun. Nice to know one of the hottest leading ladies around is game for some same sex fun.








Hottie of the Week

And so, my friends, we have wound our way around to my favorite part of the countdown. The part where I talk about gratuitous amounts of skin for no particular reason other than to ogle and drool. This week, the object of our affections is Taylor Kitsch, star of the forthcoming NBC series Friday Night Lights.




Now when I first saw the show�s title, I thought, �hot as this guy is, I�m not staying home Friday nights to watch him. I�ll TiVo it. When I realized Friday Night Lights is actually on Tuesdays at 10, I thought, �thank God, the roomie�s gone.� Either way, I will get my Taylor fill this fall, and you my friends � you get it now.






And there you have it folks � the end of me. Thanks for hanging in there
  • Ross von Metzke is the Editor in Chief of Xodus Magazine and a featured columnist for GayWired.com. His work has appeared in YM, Performing Arts, The San Diego Union Tribune, Entertainment Weekly, Instinct and Gay Web Monkey. Ross lives in San Diego.


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