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Ross von Metzke | August 28, 2006

Tom Cruise's couch hopping ways don't pay

Apparently couch hopping can�t get you everywhere in Hollywood.

After 14 years and more than $1 billion dollars in revenue generated by their countless hits together, Paramount Pictures and Tom Cruise are going their separate ways. But it�s not because Tom is venturing off on yet another mid life crisis. No, this parting of ways was decided by the movie studio chiefs, who claim they�re unhappy with Tom�s behavior in recent months.

Of course, something tells me they might not be so quick to say sayonara if Mission Impossible III had raked in another $100 mil or so.

Still, crazy as Tom�s been the past year and a half (thought some of us more attentive folk have been calling his game for years), you have to question the real motives behind a major studio�s decision to kiss a 14 year relationship that has proven obscenely lucrative to all parties involved goodbye over one flop (which isn�t even really a flop when you consider that with worldwide gross included, it more than doubled its budget).

Despite Paramount chief Sumner Redstone�s explanation that �his recent conduct has not been acceptable to Paramount,� something tells me this decision was purely financial. Either Tom was trying to milk the cows in accounting for more moolah, or someone doing the books at Paramount realized they haven�t been having such a profitable year. Yes, the studio that once made Titanic the highest grossing film in history has suffered the plight of titles like Larry the Cable Guy, Barnyard and Last Holiday all in one year. True, Failure to Launch proved an ironic title in April when it inexplicably coughed up $90 million, and World Trade Center is doing decent business now, but Mission Impossible was certainly the year�s tent pole.

So unless someone high up on the food chain takes a personal offense to Cruise�s scientology spewing ways and his sham of a marriage to Katie �prove the baby�s yours� Holmes, something tells me Tom hopping around on a few sofas and sticking his tongue down Kate�s throat for press didn�t do him in.

And now, his producing partner Paula Wagner is fuming, insisting the pair had already made the decision to strike out on their own before Redstone decided to make this a �personal attack.�

I guess the only way to see who is truly the big loser in all of this is to wait and see how Tom�s next film fares at the box office�and gauging the fact that the only role he has on the books is a co-starring role opposite Jessica Alba in a remake of the Japanese horror flick The Eye, well I�ll just say it. Sumner, why don�t you see what Matt McConaughey�s up to these days?

Britney too hot for Tokyo

In news ever so slightly more� nausea inducing� pics of Britney Spears naked and pregnant have been deemed too provocative for subways in Tokyo because young people might see them.

You�ve all seen the pic�Brit with black hair on the cover of Harper�s Bazaar. Now I�m no saying I was exactly thrilled by the photo, but it certainly didn�t make me wanna run around subway tunnels and rip every last one down. And what kills me most is the �official� explanation�that some of the Metro�s customers might find it �overly stimulating.�

Um, yeah, if you have a whole bunch of Asian men running around with a thing for pregnant women.

The photo will apparently still be allowed to run on the cover of Harper�s October edition in Japan.

In other news surrounding Britney�s belly, reports are suggesting Jessica Simpson got the ultimate brush off from Britney after she asked to kiss the music star�s belly for good luck. �Hell no,� is allegedly what Brit said before running off in the other direction.

The exchange happened at the Teen Music Awards, where Spears introduced her husband�s �performing� debut on the show. To be fair, KFed wasn�t as bad as I�d predicted, but he was still less interesting than watching shelf paper settle.

Supposedly, Jessica was all insulted and spent the rest of the night whining about it. Maybe the problem is Britney doesn�t want anyone in her space who might eclipse the stunning beauty she�s become. OK, well it was worth a go!

Boy George throws a party

Alright, now let me see if I�ve got this next one straight. Boy George wants to celebrate his completion of the community service he was sentenced to after cops found a bunch of big ole� bags of coke in his apartment�which he claimed a random guest had planted there�by inviting a whole bunch of random people over to his Manhattan apartment and throwing a blowout party.

What is it, BYO-Dime Bags?

Now for all I know, instead of a coat check, George is going to plant some twink at the door to collect party favors and tag them for people to pick up on the way out. I have yet to be invited – I don�t know. But it seems to me he might want to take his celebration to a restaurant; let someone else worry about what people are bringing in and out of the joint.

On the upside – and yes there is one – George claims the party is a benefit to raise money for the city�s workers, who he says were wonderful to him during his five days of service.


Sell the crack people turn in at the door and give that money to the workers.

You see – I�m a wise one, I am. Yes indeed.

Justin Timberlake praise's Kate Moss' coke snorting ways

Not to dwell on drugs or anything, but this next bit of info just really caught my eye.

Justin Timberlake says he has a new found respect for Kate Moss since it was revealed she does coke.

OK, the first flaw of that statement is the fact that people out there are actually still pretending this was some big bombshell. Much like nobody said boo when Lance said �I�m Gay,� when Kate was caught salivating over a big ole mount of coke, most people just figured she was out to lunch with friends.

But back to Justin. The reason he says he has a newfound respect for Kate is not because he wants her dealer�s number – it�s because he remembers how maligned he felt when he came clean about the fact that he�s done drugs.

"I remember the first time it was reported that I smoked pot,� Timberlake told Fashion Rocks magazine. �I was like, 'y'all don't?' That's why I sort of respect Kate Moss.�

OK, so Justin rolls the occasional doobie to get in touch with his spiritual side and Kate does monster mounts of coke so she can fit into whatever dress Vogue, Harper's, Donatella (the list goes on) want her in this week.

Incidentally, the so called coke �scandal� doesn�t seem to have had much effect on Kate. I mean, sure, a whole shit load of companies dropped her. Most have welcomed her back, and this month, she lands on Vogue� and that�s more than we can say for Naomi �I�m just going to tap you� Campbell.

Hottie of the Week

And so, my friends, it�s come to that point in my column where I tell you I�ve stumbled upon photos of some up and coming hottie you all must meet immediately.

And believe me�I had some fine candidates this week. But as I was looking at the trailers for the upcoming film The Guardian, bad as it looks, I couldn�t get over how smoking hot Ashton Kutcher continues to be even though he spends days raising Demi and Bruce�s brood.

I�m sad to report I have a strong gut feeling this film�s going to fail (if one more person casts Kevin Costner in that sullen, just over a tragedy role I think I�m gonna lose it),

but that doesn�t mean we can�t stare at Kevin�s costar until we�re blue in the� uh, face. So, enjoy!

And there you have it folks. Another day, another dollar (for me� the rest of these folks probably pulled down $20K in the time it took me to crank out this bad boy�except George, he turned it over as state�s evidence). So until next time, remember to stop and smell the gossip.
  • Ross von Metzke is the Editor in Chief of Xodus Magazine and a featured columnist for GayWired.com. His work has appeared in YM, Performing Arts, The San Diego Union Tribune, Entertainment Weekly, Instinct and Gay Web Monkey. Ross lives in San Diego.

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