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Ross von Metze | July 04, 2006

Star Jones gets the chop

Well, well, well. As I live and breathe, hasn�t this been an exciting week in entertainment?

I�ve been on Star watch since early Tuesday morning – Star Jones watch that is, after the co-host of The View announced on air that her �heart has been heavy,� and as a result, she will not be returning to the 9-year-old series next season.

But was Star Jones fired? Did she choose to leave? Was Barbara Walters the master puppeteer behind the entire charade? That�s what Hollywood has been trying to figure out for the last 72 hours, and now, the time has come to process all the info and figure out just when Star�s star fell from grace.

Before we wage war against she who�s painted herself the �victim� in all this (yeah Star, we ain�t that blind), I would be kidding if I pretended all this juicy gossip is courtesy of myself. The illustrious Duane Wells has literally been tied to his television, internet and MySpace account with every hour, on the hour Star updates since this whole fiasco went down. Without him, I don�t know just how well informed I would be. Duane – forever in your debt, and thank God someone still watches The View.

Now – how about some history? Along about the time Barbara Walters announced Rosie O�Donnell would be joining The View as a replacement for Meredith Vieira, the conversations began. Would Joy Behar be announcing an exit soon? Because it seems to me the only thing that separates Joy from Rosie is the fact that Ro likes to mow.

And as we�ve all seen over the last several months just how well Joy and Star seemed to be getting along (about the time Joy told Star to get off herself and start talking about stuff people gave a shit about during her boob job scare, it became apparent they were on the outs). So, it seemed only natural one of them would have to go.



But then talk turned to the fact that it was Star who�d be getting the ole� heave ho. You see, America hasn�t really liked the bitch since she married a homo and sent AmEx the bill. And they really lost interest when she dropped a ton and said it was all in her diet. Diet my ass, lady. You can�t lose the equivalent of a Volvo by suddenly switching to Lean Cuisine. Surgery, a trainer, electroshock therapy, a lobotomy? Doesn�t matter what you did, but fess up, lady!

And so, word is, around the time Rosie was announced as the heir apparent to Meredith�s throne, Star was told her services would no longer be needed. Barbara insists ABC gave Star the ax months earlier, but the idea that they cut the bitch the same day they gave a dyke a deal makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.

Now here�s where the story starts to get a bit sketchy. According to Barbara, Star had been prepared for her last day for months, and it was agreed to by all that Thursday would be the day of the big announcement. Star would say she was moving on to greener pastures, the girls would cry, Joy�d down a shot of whiskey (praises to Jesus) and America would mourn.

But Star, never one to go down without causing some sort of a commotion, spilled the beans two days early, catching the ladies (even blondie) off guard! They held hands. They cried. But the look in Barbara�s eye said more than �bon voyage.� �Casse toi conasse� is more like it – that�s �get out ho� for those of you taking notes.

Not to mention the People Magazine exclusive that leaked minutes after The View went off the air, in which Star says candidly, �I was fired.�



The following morning, the former fatty was but a distant memory. Her face had been edited out of the opening credits (I wonder what poor schlub ABC got to pull an all-nighter for that one), three chairs surrounded the table instead of four and Barbara, the picture of professionalism, told America that after months of pretending everything was �the same� at that table, it had become impossible, and Star would no longer be appearing on the program.

Holy shit! That�s, like, the ultimate slap. Word is Star only had another two weeks to go. She pissed those ladies off so much, they couldn�t even take that? That�s some shaky ground, girls!

So Star called Ryan Seacrest on the radio. She called Larry King to book an exclusive. She called The Today Show. She got 7 on her side. Only bitch she didn�t call is Lisa Rinna over at Soap Net (ABC Owned cable station, damnit!)

I�ve got half a mind to call Sylvia Browne for the real scoop.

To be fair to Star, she told Ryan she had accepted that this was a business decision months ago and was not contending ABC's decision to let her go. Her anger stemmed from the fact that at the same time she was told bye, bye, Rosie was given a job.

Yet Barbara says she feels betrayed. Star says she�s the one who should feel betrayed, considering she got her walking papers after Rosie was �very disrespectful� to her on the show. Honey, Rosie�s disrespectful to everyone ever since that unfortunate half bob some poor, misinformed barber gave her. And as for being betrayed, well, you did that to yourself.

America might not ever know exactly what went down backstage! We can speculate, and I�ll tell you, all roads lead back to the very first time Star Jones uttered the words �I am a lawyer� (Thank God, cuz you need a job, girl). I�m not saying Star Jones isn�t well intentioned, but from day one she came off as a snide, self-centered, spoiled bitch� and I don�t mean career woman with balls, lady, I mean bitch.

So what�s next for the diva of daytime? She�s still got her jewelry line (QVC has proven lucrative for many a has been in the past) and she says she plans to work on legal advocacy for foster children and teach middle school in Harlem.

Parents all over Harlem are rolling quarters for prep school transfers next year.

Not that there�s any really strong way to follow the Star trials – the week in gossip pretty much came to a screeching halt after Big Head bit the big one. But a few things of note have transpired since last we spoke.



Britney gets a big black bob

Britney fixed her hair� and the fact that we�re calling a pitch black bob an improvement says a lot about what her hair was looking like last week.

Ratty weave is too kind. I�ve seen Playdough figurines with better locks than the ones Spears sported on Dateline recently.

Rumor has it Brit made the drastic change after public opinion (a whopping 87%) lost respect for Brit after the interview. Problem is, once again, she didn�t consult anyone before making the change, and showed up for a nude photo shoot for Harpers Bazaar (a la Demi Moore) looking like ass.

So hair and make-up scrambled to find extensions to cover up the mess Brit made. I�d give my right arm to find out she�s wearing Jessica Simpson�s line of wigs in the photos. And by God, the photos actually look alright – I mean, if you�re into pregnant ladies and all. Not sure if she says anything of note in the interview, but standing by her man, insisting she�s a good mom despite photos that show her tyke steering the car and hitting the cement because mommy�d had a few too many cosmos that say otherwise and losing an eye lash when the Q&A; turned tearjerker doesn�t give her anywhere to go but up.

The issue hits newsstands soon. We�ll discuss after the storm.



Kevin quits band

Kevin Richardson has announced his departure from the Backstreet Boys after 13 years.

Two questions!

1. Does anyone remember which one Kevin is?

2. Is there even still a band to drop out of?



Cynthia Nixon says she�s happy loving ladies

And, Cynthia Nixon says dating men taught her how to be in a relationship with a woman. Yes ladies, that�s right, the world�s most famous lesbian after Rosie and Ellen (sorry Heche, your stock fell the minute you went back to dick) says she wouldn�t change a thing about her past, because being in a relationship is emotionally �different� than being with a man and her past is what has allowed her to grow to this point.

Nixon says she will continue to keep mum about her private life because that�s the way she likes it, but insists she has nothing to hide, declaring she is happy, in love and loves the way her life has panned out.

The recent Tony winner has spent most of her time on Broadway since the end of Sex in the City, but will hit the big screen next year in two indy projects� The Babysitter, a drama about a girl who turns her babysitting service into a call girl center after bedding one of her clients; and Lymelife, an ensemble drama about a crumbling family co-starring Alec Baldwin and Jennifer Jason Leigh.



Hottie of the week

And now� some skin! With Wimbledon underway, there are tons of men to choosef from – and you�ll likely see more than a few in the coming weeks.













But call me old fashioned. No matter how many hotties show up at the courts, none can hold a candle to All-American boy Andy Roddick.














Whether he�s first place or 50th (thank God he tends to do a little better than that), he�s a God among men. Currently ranked 3rd in the tournament (fifth in the world) his standing�s been slipping in the matches leading up to he big one.








But his body, and I�ll be frank, is first as far as we�re concerned. And no matter what happens in England this month, buddy, we�re with you all the way.






So folks, it�s time to say Goodbye. I must say, it�s weeks like this I love my job� and I thank you for being here to share it with me. Until next time, stop and smell the gossip.
  • Ross von Metzke is the Editor in Chief of Xodus Magazine and a featured columnist for GayWired.com. His work has appeared in YM, Performing Arts, The San Diego Union Tribune, Entertainment Weekly, Instinct and Gay Web Monkey. Ross lives in San Diego.


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