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Hollywood Celebrity Buzz

Ross von Metze | June 12, 2006

Britney's about to KFed-Ex her hubby ...

If there�s one thing I�ve learned in my years dishing celebrity gossip, its that there comes a point when the rumors have progressed so far, there has to be some element of truth. Think about when every last tabloid in the world insisted Jessica and Nick were no more. It took a while, but we were correct. Angelina preggers. Correct again!

So it is with great sorrow I must report, proving once again you can take the girl out of the trailer but you can�t take the trailer out of the girl, that four months pregnant mama Britney Spears has signed preliminary divorce papers, according to initial reports from the British press.

The tabloids have been going round and round for months that Britney is planning to leave Kevin � there have been public feuds, at one point during her first pregnancy, Britney moved out and into a hotel on the Sunset Strip for a week � and now, tabloids are reporting the two have not been seen together for something like 45 days, further evidence all is not well in Malibu.

But the rumors exploded when Britney posted a stream of consciousness poem on her Web site, titled �Remembrance of Who I Am,� a fairly evident, scathing attack at someone in her life who has let her down, with lines about feeling �manipulated� by �the sins of the father.� I suppose she could be talking about Papa Spears, but accompanied by a photo of her flipping off the camera and word that KFed hasn�t slept at home in a while, and it pretty universally spells out – so long Federline.

I mean, is anyone really surprised? This is, after all, a woman who had a marriage that lasted less than 48 hours, the result of a drunken stumble down the aisle, then followed it by stealing another woman�s man mid-pregnancy. Playing by the rules ain�t exactly her style!

And now, Britney�s even been seen around town with a new man in her life – her �manny,� 28-year-old former lacrosse player Perry Taylor, who Brit hired to replace her former nanny. That bitch got the ax when young Sean Preston was rushed to the emergency room after falling out of his hi-chair. Yeah, but nobody gives Brit the boot for balancing a cocktail and a kid – the cocktail won out – or teaching an 8-month old to drive through the windy roads of Malibu?

This world is so unfair.

But I do have to hand it to Britney. If this Perry fella is half as hot as some of the Lacrosse players I�ve seen throughout the years, she may just be stepping up in the world. Now just get rid of that god awful yellow dye job you�re sporting, mama.

Jessica Simpson might just be as dumb as she seems

Take a cue from Jessica Simpson and snatch up some strands from her new line of hair extensions, rumored to be called – are you ready for this – Gor-JESS. Now you know Jessica didn�t think up that one on her own.

And how do we know this?

Well, continuing with her �I�m not dumb, I�m just ditzy� act, Jessica proved over the weekend that she may, indeed, just be dumb. The singer/�actress� was seen gabbing with another buxom blonde – Pamela Anderson – about life, love, film, tits � you know, the usual.

Pam, who is definitely just playing dumb for the cameras, was curious to know more about rumors that Jessica will take over her role in a movie version of Baywatch. Pam offered trade secrets on how to wear the swimsuit and keep sand out of your crack, while Jessica asked the all important question – �How were you able to move so slowly in those shots where you were running along the beach and bouncing up and down.� This according to the New York Post.

After taking a moment (and perhaps a Quaalude) so as not to completely ruin Jessica�s imagine, Miss Anderson leaned in and said, very matter of factly, �Oh, honey, it was slow motion camera work.�

Maybe Mtv really didn�t manipulate EVERYTHING we saw on Newlyweds.

Regardless, Jessica�s looking lovely � her fake lips finally went down, and she's about to head into grueling promotional schedule to promote her latest CD, which hits stores in August. Her ex-hubby�s new disc sold more copies its first week of release than his last CD has to date, so the dueling ex�s may just be battling it out for top record sales.

I pick Jess to win � but not because she�s any better � just because I expect her father will snap up 100,000 copies all on his own.

Pink says she'll try anything when it comes to sex

And, moving on to one of the few female pop-stars to come out of the late �90s who isn�t a complete and utter idiot – Pink, who despite being married to bad boy motorcross stud Carey Hart, has revealed she considers herself �trisexual� � because she�ll try anything at least once.

Pink, who says she had a girlfriend when she was just 13 years old, admits to Britain�s Observer the experience left her traumatized � because the girl dumped her for her brother.

�I had a girlfriend when I was 13 and she left me for my brother! That kind of fucked me up,� she explained. �We held hands and we kissed and that was my girlfriend, that's what you do when you're 13! And she left me for my fucking brother! It was bizarre and twisted and fucked up and gross.�

But, the singer says the experience left her open minded to experimenting with her sexuality, and the fact that she doesn�t put any limitation or labels on what she will and won�t do is what keeps her happy. Early in her career, Pink says people didn�t know if she was gay or straight, black or white, and she enjoys that sort of ambiguity.

Pink�s latest CD, I�m Not Dead, is doing better than its predecessor, but still not up to par with her first two releases. Too bad – it�s one of the best things out there right now, her skewer on stupidity in Hollywood �Stupid Girl� just the icing on a truly delicious and fulfilling cake. If you haven�t heard it yet, pick it up.

OJ Simpson's alleged sex tape 'false'

And, in even stranger sex news, that guilty as sin murderer (I don�t care what the courts say, dammit) OJ Simpson is back in the headlines for something I wouldn�t watch even if they live streamed it on my laptop without my knowledge � an alleged sex tape, featuring a man who looks an awful lot like OJ and two women.

But the former football star (and murder suspect) claims the tape is a fake, his lawyer insisting that while OJ appears fully clothed in the tape, when the camera flashed to a man having sex, it is an impostor.

OK � so if DNA, blood, a glove, a barking dog, two dead bodies and witnesses placing him at the scene weren�t enough to convict him on two counts of murder, what�s it going to take to make sure the world at large knows its him doing the nasty with a couple of hoez on tape.

Some DNA swabs?

Maybe a dirty sex toy with ur paws all over it?

How about one of these chicks winding up pregnant?

Not that much could taint the all mighty OJ�s image at this point � I think it�s probably as low as it gets. But I for one sure wouldn�t mind trying. If the bastard won�t rot behind bars, at least we can make his life as a free man a living hell.

And now that I�m all worked up and mad, what better way to get out my frustration than with a hot, sweaty man. Muscles, I�m, afraid, are a dime a dozen in the West Hollywood scene � every man either has them, wants them, or paid a doctor $5000 to suck out his fat and implant them. So when you see a guy who appears naturally ripped, with the face of an angel to go along with it, needless to say, it�s a blessing.

Hottie of the Week

Which is why it was a no brainer to kick off summer (yes folks, it�s 82-degrees today in Hollywood – I�d say it�s summer) with Justin Seitz, one of the hot men setting the lens on fire over at Mega Model Productions.

When you head to Justin�s Web site, you�re warned that some photos may present the male physique in an erotic and provocative way. Which means we get damn close to full nudes, folks. Justin�s simply gorgeous, and he�s got a multitude of photo galleries to prove it. Enjoy what you see here, then stop by for seconds. Yummmmmm!

OK, sorry to pick you all the way up just to bring you back down, but we have come to the end of another fabulous week in gossip. Don�t go too far � I�m sure somebody�s shit will hit the fan between now and next time. Until then, remember to stop and smell the gossip!

  • Ross von Metzke is the Editor in Chief of Xodus Magazine and a featured columnist for GayWired.com. His work has appeared in YM, Performing Arts, The San Diego Union Tribune, Entertainment Weekly, Instinct and Gay Web Monkey. Ross lives in San Diego.

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