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Ross von Metze | June 07, 2006

Liz Taylor goes on Larry King to prove she's 'not dying'

�Do I look like I�m dying?�

No, it�s not the latest sit down between Whitney and Diane Sawyer, but Elizabeth Taylor, pleading to talk show host Larry King that rumors insisting she�s at death�s door are absolutely false.

I�m all about the gossip – hell, it keeps my gas tank full, the landlord from pounding down my door and two cocktails in me at all times. But this isn�t one of those �Whitney showed up at rehab without her teeth� rumors that, true or not, are funny as sin. This is wicked. The rumor that Liz Taylor is dying could quite easily be true, and why all of these ill wishes toward one of the last living Hollywood legends?

And Liz knows it. What other reason could she possibly have for coming out of relative obscurity to set the record straight on Larry King Live.

�Do I look like or sound like I have Alzheimer's?,� she continued to the papa of primetime. "I think they're trying to sell magazines. Some audiences out there ... they like scandal. They like filth. And if they want to hear that I'm dead, sorry folks. I'm not. And I don't plan on it�

No, I must admit � Liz looked old, ravaged by the numerous health battles she�s confronted over the year � but incoherent, holding a number for the Grim Reaper to call? Not that bad. Nah, old Lizzie�s still got some fight in her.

In fact, she says she�s focusing all of her energy on her jewelry collection (she just loves designing the stuff) and on raising money for AIDS charities (one of the main reasons I�m jumping to her defense). Oh, and when Larry popped the requisite Michael Jackson question, Liz got extra fired up.

�I've never been so angry in my life,� she barked. �I've been there, when his nephews were there, and we all were in the bed watching television. There was nothing abnormal about it. There was no touchy, feely thing going on. We laughed like children and we watched a lot of Walt Disney. There was nothing odd about it.�

More life in those old bones than we�ve seen since her divorce from her eighth husband. Maybe that�s the key – get her good and fired up and watch her head spin.




Anna Nicole Smith is getting fat again

From a Hollywood legend to a Hollywood whore, the newly svelte and sexy Anna Nicole Smith is going to gain a ton of weight again, only this time, it�s not because she�s depressed, medicated and overeating – it�s because she�s pregnant. Let's just pray it's not with a daughter!

Smith confirmed this week that she�s expecting her second child, though she wouldn�t reveal the identity of the father. It�s rumored paparazzi Larry Birkhead planted the seed and that the pair have been dating for months. Birkhead told reporters he had kept quiet about the pregnancy under pressure from Smith�s lawyer Howard K. Stern �to deny the rumor.�

According to Smith (who isn�t really an actress, isn�t really a model, isn�t really a reality show star � I guess she�s just one of those bitches you kinda know), she�s five months along and very, very excited about the impending birth. She�ll be even more excited if she finds a doctor who tells her she can take a morphine drip and Trimspa all throughout the pregnancy.

And as Smith decks out her home in all things baby while we wait for the little one to come into the world sometime later this summer, she�ll be gearing up for yet another attempt to get her hands on her dead hubby�s billions. Should she be successful, this truly will be a bundle of joy.




A trio of Hollywood nobodys

And on to yet another celebrity with little discernable talent and a whole lot of nothing going on upstairs – Michelle Rodriguez, who you ladies remember lovingly from hits like Girlfight and Resident Evil but has more recently made a name for herself as that bitch who�s never heard of a taxi cab.

By now, it�s common knowledge Rodriguez opted for prison time over picking up trash on the side of the road and spent five days in a Hawaii jail after a drunk driving arrest.

The sentence was much harsher on the mainland – 60 days for violating her probation terms. But in yet another case of a celebrity (and I use that term very loosely here) being above the law, Rodriguez was out in less than five hours, the result, some say, of an overcrowded prison system.

Friends in Michelle�s camp insist the actress knows things could have been a lot worse and isn�t taking this as a get out of jail free card. The 27-year-old, who was killed off Lost just weeks after her run in with the law (a coincidence, producers insist) says she�s ready to focus on getting her career back on track.

Might I suggest a film about a cocky young actress who gets a hot tip that if she agrees to doing time behind bars, the warden will go easy on her and have her back on the streets by lunh time, only to go out and fuck it all up again?

I know, mean, isn�t it? Let�s just say I�ve got a feeling.



And with all this talk about no-talents going on in the press, it seemed fitting to throw another couple of �no-names� your direction.

Remember Shannon Elizabeth? Of course you don�t. And why should you? Other than taking all her clothes off in American Pie and forcing us to suffer through an entire season of half-hour shows about a hair salon in UPN�s just cancelled Cutz, what has she really done?

Not sign an autograph for the one person in America who knows who the fuck she is, that�s what!

Rumor has it Shannon was dining with friends at a Los Angeles restaurant when the waiter, who waited until the meal was finished, politely asked if he could have her autograph.

�Do I have to do it now?�, onlookers said Shannon replied.

Oh, give me a flippin� break. Your career has managed to sink lower than UPN and you actually think denying a fan a signature is acceptable. Let me tell you, Shannon. In ten years, you�re going to be lucky to score a bed in The Surreal Life 15 because at least those people were famous at one point in time. You, my darling, are nothing more than a big bag of tits to fulfill the Porky�s type fantasies of straight boys everywhere for the late �90s.



Acting even bitchier is OC casualty Mischa Barton, who was apparently so sick of spending her days on a dump TV show for teens, she begged producers to let her out of her contract (echoes of Shannen Doherty, anyone?). Well now that Mischa has her days free, she allegedly found time to cuss out her mother when the poor lady couldn�t get the hotel room door to open with her key card.

I wont issue a direct quote, but the words went something like �you fucking idiot� and �it takes you five hours to do anything right.�

Am I the only one who thinks actresses like this should be taken out and shot? Now I�m not excusing the JLo�s of the world who have made entire careers out of being a bitch, but at least that woman�s put in some serious man hours to get to here she is. Mischa isn�t even legally allowed to drink yet, and here she is calling her mom a fucking idiot.

Frankly Mischa, I hope The OC is the last paying gig you ever get, and I hope Fox puts a stop payment on every residual check they�ve got sitting in the pipeline for you.

Maybe then you�ll know what an idiot really looks like.

Mischa, Shannon, Michelle – I just can�t decide, so I�m calling it a three-way tie. You ladies are our Bitches of the Week.




All My Children welcomes the brief return of Eden Riegel

And now, how about something a bit more uplifting � something I know many of you ladies have been anxiously awaiting: The return of Eden Riegel as Bianca Montgomery to All My Children.

Eden left the show just over a year ago to pursue other acting opportunities in Los Angeles, but is back for the month of June to offer support to mother Erica Kane (Susan Lucci) and sister Kendall (Alicia Minshew) as the life of Kendall�s unborn baby hangs in the balance.



All My Children and Riegel made history when Bianca came out of the closet to her mother in 2003. By outing the daughter of the most famous leading lady in the history of daytime television, AMC sent a message loud and clear across America. Being gay is not a choice – it�s the way you�re born.

Riegel won a Daytime Emmy, a GLAAD Media Award, a Soap Opera Digest Award and numerous other accolades for her work on the show, and while her relationships on the program with other women were brief, it was a definite step in the right direction. Her mothers long overdue but ultimate support of her daughter brought the message of acceptance to an audience that severely needs it, and both Riegel and Lucci spent many tireless hours speaking out in support of the gay community.

Welcome home. We missed you!




Hottie of the Week

And much as I know you men live for your bitchy ladies, I know you like a nice set of abs even better � which is why I just can�t wait to re- introduce you to this week�s Hottie – Ryan Phillippe.









There was a time when gay men everywhere would have given the sex drive for the rest of their lives for the chance to spend one minute alone with Ryan and his naked body. Then Reese Witherspoon snatched him up, they started a brood of kids, and Ryan kind of dropped out of the spotlight.






Well I�m not sure if you saw this stud during Oscar season, but he still looks damn good � and with upcoming roles in Clint Eastwood�s Flags of Our Father and the FBI drama Breach, not only is Ryan�s career on the fast track again, those smart Hollywood directors are calling for shirtless scenes, and Ryan, wise to the fact he�s better look good, has been working it out.







Check out some of these pics we stumbled upon of Ryan and his routine. And if they don�t job your log enough, how about a couple of my old faves to go along with em?

Sold again?



And thus bring yet another week to a close. Sorry for all the negativity, but hopefully, we brought it back around in the end. Much love, and happy gossiping.

  • Ross von Metzke is the Editor in Chief of Xodus Magazine and a featured columnist for GayWired.com. His work has appeared in YM, Performing Arts, The San Diego Union Tribune, Entertainment Weekly, Instinct and Gay Web Monkey. Ross lives in San Diego.


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