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Hollywood Celebrity Buzz

Ross von Metze | May 24, 2006

What the hell is up with using your kid as press?

JLo�s supposedly preggers, Angelina�s selling pictures of her unborn baby for nearly $4 million, Britney�s driving around Malibu in a convertible Mini with the car-seat facing the wrong way.

What the hell is going on with Hollywood moms these days?

I mean, I know these aren�t supposed to be the most intelligent, trustworthy people, but come on! Since when did having a baby become the ultimate commodity.

I know it�s too soon to judge Jenny From the Block�s parenting skills, and I�m willing to give her the benefit of the doubt (until she brings that kid on stage for the next Glow launch party). And I�m sure Angelina has a higher purpose for that money she and Brad just pocketed (one can hope, right?). And I pray that Britney only takes the Cooper for quick trips to the corner market, cuz car-seat facing the right way or not, that bit of a car is no place for a baby.

But it seems more and more celebrities are turning to pregnancy and mommy-hood as a new way of drumming up publicity.

Jessica Simpson�s suddenly making a big deal about wanting to adopt. Gwyneth Paltrow gives every bun she pops out of her over a biblical reference as a name. Madonna�s kid is calling her a dyke in the press. I mean, come on.

What ever happened to Hollywood kids like Little Ricky? Lucy and Desi invited the press over to the house for hot dogs and chips, gave �em about two hours of press time and shooed everyone away. Now it�s about who can one up who in the baby department.

A few notable celebs seem to have escaped the trap. I ain�t heard one lick out of Jennifer Garner or Ben Affleck about their bundle of joy Violet, and she�s five months old. Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe sue people when they get too close to their kids. Catherine Zeta and Michael Douglas moved to Bermuda so the press would need a passport to get a shot of their kids.

As for the others, this baby wrangling game has gone on long enough. What part of �hopped up on drugs Hollywood kids� don�t you understand. It�s kinda the gold standard for anyone raised in the public eye.

Paris, Lindsay and Paris� rich, bastard friend square off in a Hollywood nightclub

And now that I�ve gone off on my platform for the morning, on to more pressing matters – What exactly did go down between Paris, Lindsay and that inconsequential Hollywhore Brandon Davis at a club in LA the other night?

Word on the street is that Lindsay approached Paris� table to make small talk and was told to go away – Paris was not in the mood for entertaining. Lohan walked back to her crew crushed, while Paris and Davis continued on with their conversation, dropping dogs on Lins into every other sentence.

The convo got so bad, according to on-lookers, Davis started calling Lohan things you can�t repeat in print. Well, OK, People Magazine can�t repeat them, but I can come close.

Basically, this Brandon Davis character (who�s the kid of some dead billionaire – yeah, that explains a lot) leaves the club with Paris, where paparazzi have him on video calling Lohan a �fire crotch� who�s pussy �smells like diarrhea�, saying no one on Earth would ever do her and that her movie career is dried up. At one point, he says she�s only worth $7 million, which makes her broke, and she�s sad because she lives in a motel. Paris walks at his side, obviously drunk, fake talking into her phone as she laughs her ass off. Nicky Hilton�s there too, but she�s so bland looking she blends into the crowd.

No one�s leaking the Lindsay tape, because she either escaped out the back like a good girl or stayed the night at the joint, because her $7 mil couldn�t swing a room at the Comfort Inn.

Tom Cruise loses round one of his South Park battle

And now, for our first boy Bitch of the Week � Brandon Davis, proving that without cash, he�d probably have clean up duty on Interstate 5 for a living.

Point number two for the world vs. Tom Cruise. After his latest Mission Impossible installment did much worse business than insiders expected, the artist formerly known as Homo (because the gays don�t want him anymore) was dealt another big blow. Cruise lost a big to keep a scathing episode of South Park from airing in the UK.

Cruise tried to have the Trapped in the Closet episode, which rakes Scientology over the coals and kicks off with Cruise locked in a cupboard, kept from television screens in the UK because he doesn�t want that entire country hating him too.

But the powers that be said hell now and showed the episode Monday at a free screening, the same day Tom�s ex-wife Nicole Kidman announced she�s getting remarried to someone who she�s been with for more than 9 minutes and isn�t knocked up.

And so, we wait and see who�s going to get married first. Nicole and her Aussie born, country hunk Keith Urban. Or will it be Tom and his beard, the woman formerly known as Katie Holmes who now just parades around professing epithets of love, unable to string a coherent thought together. Clock�s ticking!

Bad Ass of the Week � Joan Jett�s new muse, Carmen Electra

Carmen Electra is typically thought of as a beefcake pinup. The ladies don�t ten to flock to girls who�ve been on Baywatch or would perform with the Pussycat Dolls. But keep in mind Carmen�s latest gig � as a woman torn between sexual preferences in Joan Jett�s new video. Just as Cindy Crawford forever changed her image by posing in a lip-lock with k.d. lang, Carmen�s managed to broaden her fan base in the video for A.C.D.C.

She also proved she had good taste when, in an interview for the song, she said she found Joan to be very sexy and she�d have no qualms about getting it on with her. Her hubby Dave Navarro, meanwhile, picked Johnny Depp. I guess the couple that plays together

Hunk of the Week

And thus we�ve reach the end of another week of celebrity bickering, with one hunk of a man for you.

Sometimes, men are just too pretty for their own good. And when you give em tattoos, it�s almost too much.

Such is the case with Nicholas Lemons, who can go from clean cut boy next door to all man in about 2.5 seconds (that�s how long it would take me to rip off his shirt). A frequent model for just about every fashion line known to man, Nicholas is best known as a face for Armani Exchange.

Add to that an Out cover and an ad for D-Squared we reprinted just because it�s the entire reason he�s in this week�s buzz and you�ve got a tried and true Hottie of the Week.

So there you have it folks � another week down. Thanks for hanging in there, and until next time!

  • Ross von Metzke is the Editor in Chief of Xodus Magazine and a featured columnist for GayWired.com. His work has appeared in YM, Performing Arts, The San Diego Union Tribune, Entertainment Weekly, Instinct and Gay Web Monkey. Ross lives in San Diego.

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