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Ross von Metze | April 26, 2006

TomKat and Brooke Shields both pop out a kid in the same hospital, same time

One is an angel and one is the anti-Christ – at least that�s how it�s supposed to go, right?

When I first read that TomKat and Brooke Shields each had their babies on the same day, in the same flipping hospital, I thought it was some gossip columnists idea of a sick joke. I mean, you can�t make shit like this up, and yet there it was in black and white for all the world to see.

So yes, by now, most of you probably known that little Suri Cruise (her name means �princess� in Hebrew, �red rose� in Persian, because God forbid a celebrity parent pop out a kid and name it Sarah or Nancy) was brought into this fine world in a �supposedly� silent birthing room Tuesday afternoon in an LA area hospital.

As hospital orderlies were placing the duct tape over Katie�s mouth while dozens of friendly supporters surrounded the mom to be with signs reminding her to �shut the fuck up� as she began to push, down the hall, a nurse was administering an epidural to Brooke Shields and her supportive husband Chris Hinckley, – the room a silent oasis save for the sounds of Brooke screaming, �get this kid out of me.�

So why is this all so funny? Well, if you were one of the few hibernating under a rock last year when all hell broke loose between Brooke and Tom, I�ll rehash. Brooke had a difficult first pregnancy and wrote a book about how anti-depressants saved her life following the birth of her kid. Scientologists believe anti-depressants are harmful, so he came out and said the drugs are wrong, Brooke should be ashamed of herself for taking them, and then added that it didn�t really matter much because her career was in the toilet. What that has to do with her losing it after popping out a kid, I don�t know, but moving on.

Brooke swung back, saying Tom should stick to what he knows, and pregnant ladies ain�t it. She also said his comments did a disservice to pregnant women everywhere. Well less than a year later, he�s got his own kid, and while friends have rallied, saying Tom is �the best father they know,� I�m holding out judgment until the first time this one winds up in therapy and the school counselor suggests Prozac. Then what?

Until that time, I�m thinking Tom and Brooke should bury the hatchet and arrange for their two little girls to meet for playdates. If Brooke has half as rough a time getting over this pregnancy, we know she could use the break, and Katie needs someone to watch the kid during her half-hour programming sessions upstairs, which leaves the man of the hour, Tombo, with two impressionable minds to brainwash.

Much luck, folks.

Nick Lachey laments a marriage gone wrong

Moving on to another man who�s seen more than his fair share of scathing press in the last year: Nick Lachey, the soon to be the former Mr. Jessica Simpson, who is now telling the media the speculation surrounding his divorce is so intense, even he�s not sure what to believe. The lines between reality and Hollywood have blurred. The couple split five months ago just before (or after) Thanksgiving depending on who you ask (see, he gets more money in the settlement if it was after), and according to an interview Lachey granted Rolling Stone, he�s still trying to figure out exactly what went wrong. �I'll tell you how I knew my marriage was over: I was told,� he tells the magazine.

A few other things he knows:
1. Jessica�s father did not break them up. �It would be easy for me to blame my divorce on (Joe Simpson),� he tells the magazine. �That would be convenient. But at the end of the day, Jessica is a grown woman, and she made her own decision.�
2. Jessica�s success did not break them up. �Her success, especially relating to the show, is my success. Her hit 'With You' is about me. How could I be upset about that success?�
3. Jessica�s alleged affair didn�t break them up. �Sometimes I think it would be easier if I had just walked in the house and found her in bed with a guy. That would be clear-cut. End of story. I wouldn't have to deal with the uncertainty of adultery.� Still, he says later, even if she did cheat, it wasn�t the reason they�re finished.
Here�s my theory. It�s Ashlee Simspon�s fault. And why souldn�t it be? Everything else she comes into contact with turns to rot. Blame the little trollop and move on Nick. The way I see it, she�s about one nail short of a sealed coffin. Finish her off.

Is three times the charm for Whitney ?

Another celebrity on the verge of finishing herself off it appears is Whitney Houston, who heads to rehab for the third time on the urging of her family� and that does not include Bobby Brown.

According to tabloid reports, Houston headed to an Arizona rehab facility without telling her husband. The report comes after a series of stories broke last week suggesting that the singer has managed to sink so deep into addiction, Whitney Houston, the Grammy winning singer who once was, is almost unrecognizable.

The first report broke a couple weeks back when Whitney�s sister in law sold a series of pictures, allegedly of Whitney�s crack den, to the National Enquirer, suggesting Whitney spends her days holed up in her bedroom smoking crack, getting high, talking to imaginary demons and masturbating. Check out the pic!

The in-law also admitted she used to get high with Whitney but has since gotten clean.

The rumors that followed were similarly outlandish: Whitney gets so high she has random lesbian escapades. Whitney�s done so much crack her teeth have all fallen out, she wears dentures. Whitney�s disappeared for days on end and no one knows where she goes.

This trip to rehab, however, was without the knowledge of Bobby, according to his sister, Tina Brown. She told Britain�s The Mirror: "At first he thought she was just off on another drug binge. It took a few days to find out from Whitney's family that they had talked her into rehab. All Bobby told me is that she is in treatment, in a secluded place.�

At first, the gossip about Whitney was funny, but this is getting a bit excessive. These people have a kid, who is now allegedly living with family members indefinitely. This lady needs help – stat. So, anyone who used to marvel at the talent that was Whitney, say a little prayer, a good word, a positive thought. From the look of things, this cat�s just about reached her ninth life.

George Michael might be hot on Whitney's heels

In other news on drug addicted celebrities, George Michael is allegedly slipping down a dangerous path of drug abuse, a friend has warned. Musician Toby Bourke told the Daily Mirror he has often urged his pop star friend to get help.

"I fear he's putting his life at risk,� he told the tabloid. �He needs to get professional help before it is too late. Drugs have turned him into a stoned waster and made him depressed. Dope is his poison. Dope destroyed his will to work."

The singer, who was found by cops earlier this month slumped over his steering wheel in possession of drugs, has been candid with the press in saying he takes full responsibility and did a stupid thing. No word yet on whether the singer plans to follow up those brutally honest words with action, but as a fan of just about anything the man�s ever done, I think I can safely speak for homos everywhere when I say, �I certainly hope so.�

Melissa Etheridge and Tammy Lynn Michaels expecting twins

Now that we�ve been dredged through the depth of marital and drug induced despair, a somewhat lighter note. Melissa Etheridge is expecting twins with her partner Tammy Lynn Michaels.

"We are thrilled to announce that Tammy is pregnant, and expecting our twins sometime around this fall. To answer the obvious question: We used an anonymous donor from a bank,� the singer announced on her Web site.

These will be her first kids with Michaels. Etheridge has two from a previous relationship with Julie Cypher – a daughter, Bailey Jean, and son, Beckett.

Etheridge has said time and again that she credits Michaels with being influential in her winning her battle with cancer. Cancer free for more than a year, the singer said in a statement: �When it was over, I came home to a bouquet that said 'In sickness and in health,' and she means it. The love and support of someone like that is worth all the money in the world.�

Bad Ass of the Week

Now time to gush over an extra hot lady, and as the lesbian action flick In Her Line of Fire hits here! TV and theatres in limited release, I can�t think of anyone more worthy of the title Bad Ass of the Week than Mariel Hemingway. At the peak of her fame, Mariel did the unthinkable in Hollywood and starred as a lesbian in Personal Best, a film just about every young actress in Hollywood ran screaming from. On several occasions since, she�s hopped back over the fence, on Roseanne (making history again in the first televised same-sex lip lock) and now, running around an exotic island, girl on one arm, uzi in another. Mariel continues to be one of Hollywood�s hottest, most daring actresses, and for that, we salute her!

Hottie of the Week

And finally, before we sign off, some gratuitous skin for the sake of showing it. This time around, our Hottie of the Week hails from France. Lucas Kerr has graced the cover of Out, hocked Absolut and seen his mug splashed all over Vogue France and Tetu. Now, we can stare at him and that near perfect body stateside, so sit back, relax, and enjoy!

The hospital gift shop must have run out of fun savers when both TomKat and Brooke Shields delivered at the same time; Nick Lachey is crying buckets over the fact that Jessica may have strayed; Whitney lights up one more time she�s gonna be saying goodbye to more than her teeth and ditto for George Michael, who at least seems able to admit he has a problem and it�s babies three and four for Melissa Etheridge, one and two for partner Tammy Lynn Michaels.

  • Ross von Metzke is the Editor in Chief of Xodus Magazine and a featured columnist for GayWired.com. His work has appeared in YM, Performing Arts, The San Diego Union Tribune, Entertainment Weekly, Instinct and Gay Web Monkey. Ross lives in San Diego.

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