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Ross von Metze | April 19, 2006

Child Protective Services pays attention to Britney Spears and her bitch

It�s weeks like this that I love my job. Well, I love my job most of the time, but on weeks like this, I get down on my knees and thank the last person I screwed to get to where I am today. That�s a joke, folks� haha!

Anywho, three of my least favorite ladies in Hollywood made headlines this week, all for mortifying reasons. So, who shall I start with? The has-been pop star who got knocked up by a thug? The Lady Latina who�s on her third marriage and suing her first husband? Or a certain paltry actress who just popped out her second kid and named this one after a biblical figure?

Decisions, decisions! So I decided to draw straws.

Britney Spears it is� always getting the short end of the stick. For the second time in two moths, Child Protective Services and the Los Angeles Po-Po visited the Malibu home of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline to check on the well being of their son, four month old Preston.

Though both gave the Spears household the seal of approval, they were responding to a recent emergency room visit by Preston and his nanny when the tot allegedly fell out of his high chair. The little guy suffered a fracture to his skull which reports say was minor, but it�s customary for authorities to want to check out the home when any head injury to a minor is reported.

The official story is that Britney and Kevin were out of town when this happened� which leads me to wonder why a new mom with all the money in the world would skip town without her kid before he�s even teething� but hey. I�ve never claimed to understand the Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, even if they were reared in a trailer park.

The first time these folks swung by Britney�s Malibu abode, the singer had recently taken her tot on a joyride to �escape paparazzi.� Britney was snapped driving the getaway car with her kid in her lap and a security guard in the passenger seat gabbing away on his cell phone. She claimed she was trying to get Preston out of a potentially dangerous situation and her motherly instincts kicked in. Yeah, every time I was in my car seat in a Range Rover with tinted windows and flash bulbs going off all around me growing up, my mom got this gut feeling I might be safer straddling her knee as we sped away down a winding mountain road.

Britney later admitted she�d �made a mistake�� one of many, from the sound of things.

At least it�s not all bad news in Malibu� looks like Kevin finally found a job. Like Paris Hilton before him, he�s become something of a spectacle on Hollywood�s club scene� and word on the street is some swank night club paid him a cook $20K just to be their for the night. Supposedly, Federline�s lined up a few more of those gigs. And while his salary won't come close to matching what his wife�s managed to pull down in her many endeavors, it should be enough to keep him from asking for lunch money for a while.



JLo's ex threatens to write a tell all

Moving across the coast we find JLo, plotting out her next attempt to corner an untapped niche of Hollywood (we know TV failed after that lame ass South Beach soap she created for UPN tanked� my apologies to the ravishing Vanessa Williams, the only reason I bothered saving those damn episode on TiVo). As she sits poolside, conspiring how she plans to next take tinseltown by storm, the ink is barely dry on a lawsuit she�s filed.

See, JLo�s first hubby (Ojani Noa, who she was married to for a whopping 10 months) allegedly threatened the starlet with a tell all book, saying unless she paid him a cool $5 million, he�d let the world see the bitch Latina who really resides in that swank Miami palace.

Trouble is, we already know. I don�t know what Jennifer thinks she�s keeping private by attempting to keep this book from hitting stores – for years, co-stars have been quietly hinting that Jennifer isn�t the cutie pie you see in flicks like The Wedding Planner and Maid in Manhattan. Her romance with Ben Affleck drove America to loath both of them. She was the worst thing about Monster in Law, last summer�s hit; her unfortunately titled album Rebirth was still born; and last fall�s An Unfinished Life, which critics thought might score the actress and Oscar nomination, arrived with a thud – critics implying any chops she may have arrived in Hollywood with were lost sometime between the aptly titled wife-beating thriller Enough and her declaration she�s still �Jenny From the Block� (if she were my neighbor, I�d move).

So Jenny�s suing for blackmail. If she wins, we might never get to see what new and scathing info Noa has in store. Consider the pair were married before JLo struck it big, so if he�s claiming she was a beast before Hollywood gave her a big head, well� then I win the office pool. Either way, we know she�s won something. That�s right folks. Any week JLo pops up in the news, she wins Bitch of the Week.



Gwyneth Paltrow named her second kid something almost as dumb as Apple

And third on my happy train of stars I like to rag on � Gwyneth Paltry, the least talented actor ever to take home an Academy Award (and yes I am aware that Cuba Gooding Jr. has an Oscar), has had her second baby� and she named this one Moses.

OK, so now Gwen�s got a fruit and a biblical reference at home. I�m not sure what one has to do with the other, I just know that I can�t stand Apple or Moses Paltrow by association. Or is it Apple and Moses Martin? Moses Martin? Now there�s a kid who�s ass I�d have kicked in kindergarten.

I guess the only benefit I can see to Paltrow popping out more kids is that it gives her less time to act – always a good thing when I�m combing through MovieTickets.com. Forgive me, I�m just not a fan. I used to be. Sliding Doors was one of my favorite movies. But then this whole pristine, holier than thou attitude crept up out of nowhere� along with that Oscar for Shakespeare in Love, which I still can�t wrap my brain around� and I officially jumped ship. Like her mom though� LOVE her mom, actually. I�d go to hell and back for the chance to kick it with Blythe Danner. I�m assuming she wouldn�t give me the time of day after reading some of the crap I�ve written about her kid, but I�d still like the chance to try.



A West Wing-er doing time with a call girl

Of course, let�s not let the ladies have all the fun� Aaron Sorkin, the creator of The West Wing, made headlines this week too. Of course, he doesn�t pack near the star wattage of a Britney or a Jennifer, but he does pack ten times the crack.

Yeah, that�s right� as The West Wing creeps toward its final episode, a high-priced call girl named Dimitria Ekmektsis has revealed in her appropriately titled tell all, Confessions of a High-Priced Call Girl, that the TV big wig used to shower her in cash for overnight visits where the two would touch sensually, fuck like rabbits, then get high and listen to Don Henley.

After calling Sorkin �sensual, but average in bed,� she goes on to say he had a thing for watching her strip and they would occasionally introduce a third. Guy? Girl? Both, she claims.

At first, she says, the couple that slept together smoked pot together. But that escalated midway through their relationship to crack cocaine, which Sorkin was charged with possessing in 2001, along with week and shrooms.

All Sorkin will say on the subject is that he knew Dimitria �for a very short time a long time ago.�



Hottie of the Week

Which leads us to my favorite part of the column� and yours, I suspect. This week we turn to the TV show Lost and that hunk of a man Josh Holloway. Josh, my friends, is what we call 100% percent, completely and totally doable.












Not only is he gorgeous with a body to die for, he�s got that bad boy appeal� so much so, he admits that when his star first began to take off, he considered leaving his wife. �Everybody�s got a bit of Hef in them,� he said, referring to the Playboy mogul. Holloway says his most common gift from fans is ladies underwear, which I must admit is a bit of a turn off for me� so if we gays like what we see here and can rally around to get this guy a jock strap or two, I for one would be most appreciative.



Bad Ass of the Week

Which leads us to a subject a bit more serious� the youngest of The Pointer Sisters, June Pointer died in Los Angeles this week at 52-years-old. That�s too young, particularly for a soul so inspiring.

In addition to having a glorious voice and a sparkling talent, she was truly one of the good ones. When the Pointer family turned their backs on sister Bonnie for identifying with her gay and lesbian fans, it was June who stood by her side, tossing aside what could have been a lucrative concert career for an uncertain future with Bonnie.

Countless AIDS benefits, Pride celebrations and concert tours later, it�s fitting that Bonnie Pointer�s last show before June�s passing (dedicated to her sister, who was scheduled to appear but was too ill to attend) should be at Dinah Shore weekend.

June, you were a true champion of the human spirit. You will be missed.

Before we finish for the week, I have a special offer to tell you ladies about. Our friends at HBO Documentary have put together a killer contest to coincide with the release of All Aboard: Rosie's Family Vacation! A free cruise. So skip on over to the HBO Web site and enter to win a 7 day / 6 night cruise for you and your family to Alaska courtesy of HBO and R Family Vacations!

And so we�ve come to the close of yet another week in gossip.

TO REVIEW:
Britney may not be a bad mom in the law�s mind, but from the look of things, she�s bad at everything else; Newsflash: JLo�s a bitch � how�s that for a shocker?; Gwyneth popped out another kid with a dumb name � one more reason to hate her; that dude from The West Wing likes to party West Hollywood style� Josh Holloway needs a pair of my chonies and a tribute to our friend June Pointer.

  • Ross von Metzke is the Editor in Chief of Xodus Magazine and a featured columnist for GayWired.com. His work has appeared in YM, Performing Arts, The San Diego Union Tribune, Entertainment Weekly, Instinct and Gay Web Monkey. Ross lives in San Diego.


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