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Ross von Metze | March 23, 2006

We�ve been hearing rumors for years that Faye Dunaway was typecast in Mommie Dearest, and now, we�ve got the tapes to prove it

In a case of life imitating art (though you�d be hard pressed to find anyone who actually considers Mommie Dearest art), Faye Dunaway has confirmed what folks in Hollywood have known for decades: She�s a bitch.

It�s one of those finds a gossip columnist spends his whole day dreaming about, and Wednesday, when I sat down to check my e-mail, there it was: A gift from God!

Well, OK, it was a forward from my editor Fabrice that he got from his friend Jeremy. But I digress.

Two minutes of Faye Dunaway in all her glory, reading the shit out of some poor producer of a documentary on her career (presumably on his answering machine) in true Joan Crawford fashion. See, she�s pissed because the biographer wants to talk about Mommie Dearest and Faye getting canned from Sunset Boulevard by Andrew Lloyd Webber – you know, the shit we actually care about.

Instead, she�d prefer they talk about �the Costa Rica movie, which I was brilliant in and was not well sold in this country � You can talk about the Marlon Brando film, which I was wonderful in.�

Oh, and she gets extra pissed that they want to talk about her ex hubby Terry O�Neill, a man she calls � a big, big liar� who �� suffice it to say, stopped working when he married me and pretended to be my manager for a very long time.�

Some Other Highlights:

�I�m really not interested in him (Terry O�Neill) or in dilly dallying or tarrying over Mommie Dearest, I don�t even want to discuss it in my interview, or this Lloyd Webber thing. Those are negatives!�

�The Marlon Brando film was going on at the same time as the Lloyd Webber stupidity, and you all have to put in the Lloyd Webber stupidity. You can�t put in that I worked with the wonderful Marlon Brando or talk with the director of that movie, for Christ sake. And I�m not gonna approve it.�

�I want you to really trim down everything to do with that Mommie Dearest � I�m not gonna talk about it, maybe one thing I�m going to say about it and that�s all. It�s like an obsession with you. Why can�t you be obsessed with positive things, about Marlon Brando.�

OK, girl. We get it. You like Brando! But Andrew and Mommie, fuck no! Oh, and did I mention she managed to say all this at 6:13 in the morning? Stand back til� girl�s had her coffee. Why is it that I finally feel like I have confirmation why Faye�s gone from Oscar winning A-list star to bit player in the direct to video arena?

I highly doubt Meryl Streep leaves cracked out messages blaming her peeps for She Devil at the butt crack of dawn. I think it�s pretty evident folks: We have found our BITCH of the week!



Michael Jackson saves his ranch at the 11th hour

Moving on to another freak, it looks like Michael Jackson will get to hang on to his fantasy land. In the 11th hour, he managed to cough up the $300,000 necessary to keep the gates to Neverland open.

While rumors circulated last Friday that it was sister Janet who coughed up the cash to cover back taxes and expired worker�s comp insurance, the press is keeping quiet about whom the actual check came from. All that�s being said is MJ avoided another court case by coughing up the $306,000 in outstanding wages by the deadline.

Basically, as I understand it, MJ is cash broke. She�s got elephants, carnival rides, homes around the world, half the Beatles catalogue, but when push comes to shove and she needs $300K quick, the ATM ain�t coughing it up, so she has to turn to friends. Apparently, Liz Taylor�s coughers have been bled dry, cuz she didn�t up with no dough. Ditto for that Culkin kid, who�s kept mum about Michael�s legal woes in the news lately.

And while Michael has no shortage of friends with loose change to spare, my money�s on Janet as the hush-hush angel donor. JJ sure has been shelling out the cash lately. First, she announced she�ll foot the bill for brother Johnny Jackson�s (Jackson 5�s late drummer) funeral. Then, the FCC announced it is upholding its fine against Janet for �tittygate,� meaning girl has to write yet another check.

And you wonder how Janet got fat!



Michael (Douglas) is getting all feisty talking smack

Another Michael making headline for all the wrong reasons is, apparently growing some jumbo sized cajones in his old age. Michael Douglas (suddenly talking to the press again with the upcoming release of his first pic in 3 years, The Sentinel) is talking smack about Brad Pitt, Ren�e Zellweger, and pretty much everyone in Hollywood with a messed up marriage in the latest issue of GQ Magazine.

Douglas first let er� rip on Brad, saying he can�t believe the stud left Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie. Douglas, who at one time sought treatment for sex addition (hate to impose, but as a former sex addict, can�t you probably figure out the reason, oh wise one?) questioned Brad's decision and mocked the couple's adopted children.

�I don't know about Brad Pitt leaving that beautiful woman to go hold orphans for Angelina Jolie. I mean, how long is that going to last?�

To add insult to injury, Douglas then moved right along down the Hollywood marriage train to Ren�e Zellweger and Julia Roberts, question anyone who would marry someone only to get divorced months later.

�Don't ask me what happened with Ren�e Zellweger and her ex-husband Kenny Chesney. I don't know how you can be married for four months. And what about Julia with Lyle? There must be some incredible things you find out in one night.�

This from the man who divorced his wife of 23 years in 2000, two years after he admits he began to court Catherine Zeta Jones, who at the time was the ripe old age of 29 to his 54. Though that marriage is going on six years and seems to be doing all right, how soon we forget the public lashing he got for that scandal.



The 'outing' of Clay Aiken

And since we�re talking about scandals that wont go away, the case Clay A(Gay)iken and his supposed Web tryst is still full speed ahead. From the man Clay supposedly screwed claiming he kept a DNA sample of their bareback rendezvous to screenshots online of Clay�s alleged cyber-sex session, it seems everyone in Hollywood is jumping on the bandwagon to out Clay.

The latest big reveal is a chat session between Clay and some dude he met on ManHunt.com while staying in Boston. Seems the fella he was chatting with was none to impressed by Clay�s choice of hotel, and therefore, didn�t stop by to top him. The whole thing may well be a hoax, but fake or not, it�s good for a laugh, no?

And so, I leave you with the transcript, courtesy of Jossip.com:

Clay: i'm in a hotel downtown. please come see me
Source: which one?
CA: wyndham
Source: dude – that's IT???
CA: what?
Source: you're not at the ritz
CA: no
Source: or the park plaza??? sheesh!
CA: no
Source: B-List!!!!
CA: i like to save money
Source: hahahahaha
CA: i dont need to waste money on a hotel room. as long as it has a bed and a toliet. no need to act all uppity.

Hey, at least Clay comes off lookin� thrifty. The source comes off lookin� like a gold-diggin� beyotch. Gay or not, Clay (and even with that pasty white chest), should the day come when you decide to out with it, we�ll be waiting with open (if not completely dumbfounded) arms.



And now, the moment I know many of you have been waiting for:




Hottie of the Week!

Sometimes, it�s a no brainer, and after catching the teaser for She�s the Man online this week and checking out the numerous shirtless shots of Mr. Channing Tatum, I knew we�d found our stud. Previously, Channing has done time in such lame fare as Coach Carter and Supercross. Before that, he was the beefcake of many a Tommy Hilfiger and Abercrombie campaign.





But his career�s on an upswing with the release of She�s the Man (a modern day take on Shakespeare�s Twelfth Night) and the forthcoming Sundance darling A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints. And did we mention he spends most of She�s the Man in soccer shorts. Prepare for takeoff.


And we�ve reached our grande finale folks. I do hope you had a blast.


TO REVIEW:
Faye Dunaway may be a dirty, rotten bitch, but unlike most of Hollywood she�s coherent at 6am; Michael Jackson still has a hideout for sleepovers and father/son picnics; Michael Douglas has earned the right to read all of Hollywood, even if we�re secretly still reading him right back and Clay Ai(Gay)ken may get herpes, but at least he�s a sweatheart.



  • Ross von Metzke is the Editor in Chief of Xodus Magazine and a featured columnist for GayWired.com. His work has appeared in YM, Performing Arts, The San Diego Union Tribune, Entertainment Weekly, Instinct and Gay Web Monkey. Ross lives in San Diego.


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