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Ross von Metze | March 09, 2006

George Michael George Michael the latest strung out homo to get caught

What the hell is it with homo has been pop stars and their problems with drugs? First Boy George gets caught knee deep in a coke den and now George Michael�s been found slumped over his steering wheel in a parked car �under the influence.�

Notice I didn�t say the word allegedly. That�s because the �Father Figure� singer admitted his arrest over drugs charges was his "own stupid fault, as usual.�

In a statement, George Michael said: �I have been through enough in 24 years of dealing with the media to know what I am in for from them this week. Much of it will be inaccurate or simply untrue. I can handle that, it is my own stupid fault, as usual. I was in possession of class C drugs and I have no complaints about the police who were professional throughout.�

Kudos to George for being honest (hint hint BG), but haven�t you been through enough to know if you�re gonna do the sniff, do it in private. Not to mention the cops found sex toys, porno and sex masks crammed into the trunk. Now that�s just mortifying. I�m all for laying it all out on the table, but don�t you think that�s a bit excessive.

The semi-retired singer makes his home in London�s West End and, while he says it�s tempting to make a record out of this experience, he�ll leave the songs about sex addiction and public intoxication to Courtney Love. OK, he didn�t say that last part, I did� but it sounds like a plan.

Tyra Banks Tyra Banks goes undercover as a stripper

Now how exactly does one go 'undercover' as a stripper? There�s an oxymoron if I ever did hear one. And no offense, but that fine head�ll give you away every time, Ty. When you ain�t wearing no clothes, there�s not much to hide behind.

When Tyra Banks kick started the TV season by going undercover as a fat girl, I was skeptical. Hardeharhar. OK Tyra, we get it. You care, and the fact that America stares down obesity and makes fun of thunder thighs is appalling. So put on some prosthetic hips and a lycra jumpsuit, walk around town for an hour and get what it feels like.

The whole undercover as Bob Barker beauty thing. It was cute seeing you �present� the Broyhill living room, but mostly just lame. And the Vegas showgirl thing? Come on girl. That�s kinda like going undercover as a stripper, don�tcha think?

So what�s next Tyra? Live from a crack den with Tyra Banks. You stick a needle in between your toes and try and pass yourself off as a junkie? Or how bout Tyra undercover as an expectant mother in an abortion clinic? That�ll bring you ratings.

When you started on this talk show kick, you claimed you wanted to be like Oprah, but for a younger demo. Well don�t look now Miss Tyra, but next stop – Ricki Lake, and you know that ain�t pretty.

Sex tape scandals are all the rage – even Jane Fonda�s got one

An even less pretty thought: Claims that Barbarella herself has a SEX TAPE floating around out there. Film icon Jane Fonda is embroiled in sex tape scandal after a former editor at Hustler claimed he had a copy of a video the 68-year-old Oscar winner made with ex-hubby Ted Turner and a brunette porn star.

Two other former editors of Hustler claim they've also seen the tape.

While both Ted and Jane�s peeps claim neither is �available for comment,� this video has supposedly been kept on the down low for years.

And if it indeed does exist, which I�m sure we�ll find out for certain in the next couple days (thank you YouTube.com), this will be the second hubby Fonda�s had a threesome with.

Fonda has already claimed in her memoir My Life So Far that first husband Roger Vadim pressured her into threesomes. In it, she writes that the late French director bullied her into having sex with other women throughout their marriage.

In the book, she wrote: �For me to be with Roger that meant bringing other women into our bed. It seems shocking that I did that, but I managed to convince myself that it was fine, that it was what I wanted despite the fact it was killing my heart.�

OK, Jane. Note to self. That story works once, but don�t try saying you have a pattern with choosing men that force you into having threesome sex with other women. It won�t fly. Do it once, shame on him. Do it twice, good for you, girl. Get down wit your nasty self.

Whitney Houston Whitney Houston gets served with more claims Bobby�s steppin� out

One nasty ass who�s not looking so good lately is Whitney Houston. From showing up at the Olympics looking like a Yeti to her 4am run for munchies with her wig all askew and visible pock marks, the bitch with a thousand lives just can�t seem to get on her feet.

And now, it�s gonna be a bit harder to get out of bed in the morning with claims that Bobby, Bobby, Bobby Brown had his hands all up in actress Tamala Jones� puddin�. Tamala Jones is one of those actresses you�ve seen in like a thousand movies but wouldn�t know from a hole in the wall. Anyway, she hit out with claims last month that while Bobby Brown was supposedly happily married to Miss Houston, he cornered her backstage at an event and propositioned her for sex, claiming he wasn�t happy at home.

�He came over and said, �What's up?�,� Jones tells Smooth Magazine. �He picks me up and he's like, �I heard you been in Atlanta, girl. Why you don't come and see me? Don't you know I always wanted to fuck you?'� I'm like, �Boy you better put me down! I am dating somebody that's in the business, and he's from Atlanta. You know my dude and I know your wife.��

Bobby claims that �dude� was his brother, and says there�s absolutely no validity to Jones� claims.

Frankly, at this point, I could give a shit if Bobby�s stepping out on his bitch or not. She�s got enough troubles of her own. But Tamala Jones� unwavering insistence to rake Bobby and fam over the coals does qualify her for this week�s crown as Bitch of the Week. Wear it with style, girl!

Josh Hartnett Hottie of the Week: Josh Hartnett

After falling off the radar for a couple of years, extra hot Josh Hartnett is back with one of the best received films at this year�s Sundance Film Festival, Lucky Number Slevin. In it, Josh gets mixed up with the mob and with the help of girlfriend Lucy Liu has to make a run for it. If the plot lone doesn�t grab your attention, maybe the fact that Josh spends half the film without his clothes on will. Yum, yum, gimme some.

Josh Hartnett OK, now that you're done creaming your pants...
TO REVIEW: George Michael mingt wanna think about disappearing for a while; Tyra Banks needs to sit the fuck down and keep her chonies on; Whitney is looking tired, so if Bobby wants some on the side, fair nuff; Jane Fonda: Um, well... Revised chapter much? And Josh – my address is 5331 Cor...

  • Ross von Metzke is the Editor in Chief of Xodus Magazine and a featured columnist for GayWired.com. His work has appeared in YM, Performing Arts, The San Diego Union Tribune, Entertainment Weekly, Instinct and Gay Web Monkey. Ross lives in San Diego.

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