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Ross von Metze | Feruary 22, 2006

Tom and Katie Rumors have Tom and Katie calling it quits

Say it isn�t so.

Tom and Katie headed for breakup? Well, reps for both Tom and Katie (oh who are we kidding� Tom fired Katie�s people month ago, so really, reps for the pair) claim the rumors are preposterous, the couple is happy as can be and are anxiously awaiting the arrival of their first child in a couple of month.

But that didn�t stop the supermarket rag Life & Style from splashing the word SPLIT over a picture of �TomKat� on the cover of their latest issue, something that could cost the mag if rumors are true that Tom plans to sue, sue, sue. Has anybody ever noticed that�s all Tom seems to know how to do anymore? Sue! Well, that and jump onstage to rap with Kanye West.

Anywho, word on the street is that Tom and Katie are planning to stick it out until Holmes pops that kid out, but before the epidural has a chance to wear off, Katie�s shit�ll be out on the street. Perhaps he caught her in bed with another cock? Maybe she got up for a midnight snack and saw Tom porking his head of security. The possibilities are endless, and true to form, no one�s really talking.

But then again, isn�t that what Hollywood celebs do best? Give you just enough info to get you talking, then when the press turns bad, shut their mouths and act like they have nothing to say on the matter.

Case in point�



Dick Cheney Shoots a Man�

�and takes FIVE DAYS to apologize for it? That�s after it took him 18 hours to even report the damn thing.

�It was one of the worst days of my life,� Dick Cheney said Wednesday when he finally granted an interview to conservative FOX News. Yeah, something tells me it might have been a little bit worse for 78-year-old lawyer Harry Whittington, the guy he shot� the one who then suffered a heart attack from the shock of it all – and the birdshot lodged near his heart.

But the shooting isn�t the problem. It sucks and frankly, I think hunting is a despicable sport, but Cheney�s old as dirt and if someone�s dumb enough to go near the bastard when he�s armed and dangerous, well then�

The problem is the fact that, as the Bush administration has handled everything since coming into power� as pretty much any celebrity manages to do when the shit hits the fan� the reaction was way too little, way too late.

Cheney took 18 hours to notify the press that he had shot a man on a hunting trip. He claims he was waiting it out to see what sort of condition Whittington was in. So, had the man died, Cheney would have delivered an 18 hour late tribute to his memory?

No, Dick� you were stalling. Just like you all did on 9/11. Just like you did after Hurricane Katrina. Just like Halle Berry did when she plowed over that women with her Isuzu Trooper and fled the scene a few years back. Just like Lindsay Lohan does EVERYTIME she plows her car into someone.

Yet they get away with it over and over again. Cheney is actually defending his decision to wait to comment, and the White House�s official stand is that they�re �moving on.� Whittington isn�t even out of the hospital yet and they�re �moving on.� Nice, real nice.

Dick Cheney is officially our �Bitch of the Week,� proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that not only can boys be bitches, sometimes the straight ones are the worst of all. Dear sweet Dick: I know the first place I�d swing by if I had a hunting rifle right about now! Maniacal bastard!

Wanna nominate a "Bitch of the Week"? Here are the rules. They have to be famous and evil. And you have to let me rake �em over the coals. Should someone spring to mind, e-mail me at buzz@himcorp.com.

Now, how about something more pleasant?



Johnny Weir Does it Get Any Gayer than Johnny Weir?

OK, not even Rudy Galindo was so flamingly obvious as little Olympic skater Johnny Weir. He�s so flipping gay, I don�t know if I love this little bundle of homosexuality or if I want to strangle him with one of those sequin encrusted, distressed leotards he�s always wearing.

But kudos to Johnny Weir for at least being himself. Whether he�s officially out or not, when you publicly proclaim you�re a �diva,� declare Christina Aguilera is a personal hero, describe a routine as �fierce� and use the words �an icicle on coke� to describe the costume you just wore, you�re GAY!

And hell if he isn�t shady to boot. The morning before one of this week�s most highly anticipated performances, he woke up feeling horrible� �like Nick Nolte�s mug shot.� He called a fellow skater�s performance �this whole Vodka, coke thing� and described figure skating as having the ability to take you �from feeling like the lowest scum in the pond� and now I feel like a fucking flower growing out of the pond.�

What a mouth! What a talent! What a queen!

So put your best skate forward Johnny and make all us mo�s proud. We�ll be watching you to see if you�re high as a kite the next time you go for that triple toe loop.



Mariah Comes Clean About Her (ahem) Weight Gain

After looking a tad hefty at a slew of recent public appearances (but looking surprisingly thin on the cover of all her singles and album covers), Mariah Carey has finally broken her silence about the fact that she�s a good couple dozen pounds thicker than she was in her Vision of Love days.

Mariah is currently on newsstands on the cover of two magazines – fashion mag Marie Claire, where her voluptuous figure is played up – and Rolling Stone, where once again, abs and sculpted hip bones have been airbrushed over Mariah�s thick midsection. Exhibits A and B!



But Mariah tells both magazines she isn�t concerned with being thin. In Marie Claire, she admits that her weight yo-yos and that it always has. In Rolling Stone, she says she doesn�t want to be skinny � she has an ass and she likes it that way.

OK, alright, OK. I am officially saying here, and you all can bear witness, that unless Mariah goes on another Ice Cream cart pushing, smashing plates over her head loony binge, I�m gonna lay off. So she�s a little thicker than she used to be. So she still wears the clothes that were form fitting five years ago. I can deal. If she keeps on singing the way she did at last week�s Grammy�s, I�ll stare at every last roll of pudge just to hear more of that glorious instrument.

Which brings us round the bend to�



Brandon Routh �Hottie of the Week�: Brandon Routh

Leave it to homo Superman director Bryan Singer (X Men, The Usual Suspects) to find the hottest thing in blue spandex since, well, Dean Cain porked up. Brandon Routh was a virtual nobody when Singer plucked him out of oblivion to play the Man of Steel. And this week, it�s the man part that has everyone talking. Supposedly, Routh�s member is so big, costume designers had to let the crotch out of his tight spandex costume for all his junk to fit.

Brandon Routh

Then, in post production, the package had to be reduced so as not to scare the living shit out of audience members. I don�t know who those audience members are. Everyone I know who would be front row center salivating. So regardless the size of his cock when Superman Returns hiots theatres, there�s no denying this man�s got it going on!

And that brings us to the end folks.

TO REVIEW:
TomKat is still snowing the public, for now; Dick Cheney is indeed a dick � a dick packing heat no less; Johnny Weir is a big �ole fucking faggot and we love him; Mariah finally comes to terms with the fact that she�s a big girl and thank you Bryan Singer for bringing Brandon Routh big dick to our attention.

Til� next time!



  • Ross von Metzke is the Editor in Chief of Xodus Magazine and a featured columnist for GayWired.com. His work has appeared in YM, Performing Arts, The San Diego Union Tribune, Entertainment Weekly, Instinct and Gay Web Monkey. Ross lives in San Diego.


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