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Ross von Metze | January 25, 2006

Kathy Bates We recap the Golden Globes

Awards season is always my favorite time of year. You get to campaign for your favorites (Heath, Felicity – I�m in your corner), comment on fashion (both the good and the bad) and look to see who gets tanked at the Golden Globes.

Yes, the Globes have long been my favorite awards show because the stars get to drink. In past years, we�ve been treated to Meryl Streep pulling her bangs and her sunglasses over her face, then tripping while getting up with the cast of The Hours. Goldie Hawn is always good for a few laughs. One year, Kathy Bates admitted to taking shots at the bar.

But alas, all three Grande Dames of film opted out of this year�s festivities, leaving us just Ryan Phillippe (who bear hugged his wife when he won) and Jonathan Rhys-Meyers (and I�m convinced that wasn�t booze at work there) competing for the �I�ve had a few too many� award. Jonathan wins� at least Ryan was having fun� and from the looks of his energy level, wifey Reese Witherspoon got her jollys after the show.

And so, I was forced to entertain myself on fashion and speeches alone � not too terribly hard this year, thankfully.

Gwyneth Paltrow Worst dressed up first? OK, we�ll go there briefly. Gwyneth Paltrow, who I don�t like anyway (she poses, as my dad says – I just think she sucks), showed up looking like a haggard, over the hill Little Bo Peep. You�re four month�s pregnant, not a hunch back. Who ever said granny�s table cloth was the sure fire fashion fix for women with child?

Pamela Anderson and Mariah Carey are almost a foregone conclusion. Even before they stepped out of their respective limos, I knew they�d look a bit out of place, and boy did they. Pamela Anderson covered up just doesn�t work, especially when she�s twitching from an evident comedown. Pam, since when did you start smacking your lips and twiddling your thumbs in public on a regular basis. Lay off the rock, girl.

Mariah, Mariah, Mariah! Girl! You lost a few pounds or got a good girdle. For that I give you credit. But this whole pigs in a blanket look your going for has got to stop. TFM – Too Fucking Much. Leave it to the young-hoez.

There are others that bear mentioning, but I don�t know most of their names. That bitch from Grey�s Anatomy (not Sandra Oh, who won� I know her name cuz she was the best part of Under the Tuscan Sun), the lead girl. Yeah, her hair looked like a crimping iron held her hostage. Not right! Oh, and Drew Barrymore� you�re 30 years old. Your tits shouldn�t sag that low. More bra, less lycra next time.

The aforementioned Rhys-Meyers and Joaquin Phoenix lived up to their bad boy images by looking like a couple of cracked out messes and Jamie Foxx continued to annoy the fuck out of me. Otherwise, I pretty much loved everything about the show.

Geena Davis Some highlights, if I may

Geena Davis telling the crowd some kid told her because of the show Commander in Chief, she wanted to grow up to be president one day. Then she admitted she lied. LOL.

True, Reese Witherspoon got caught in the same dress Kirsten Dunst wore at the Globes three years ago, but she wore it better. Reese looks like a woman. Kirsten has lil girl tits. Props to you, Reese.

Wentworth Miller. That�s all� just Wentworth Miller. He�s fucking hot, as is Josh Duhamel, who unfortunately got stuck presenting an award with the poor man�s Catherine Zeta-Jones� she being Jill Hennessey of Crossing Jordan. Oh, and has anyone else noticed that Jill sounds like a man? Not just a raspy, Demi Whore thing � a fucking man!

Larry McMurtry thanking his typewriter� he says he wrote the script for Brokeback on it. That�s hot, and very country.

And finally, Felicity Huffman. Girl won a Best Actress award for playing a male to female transgender woman. It�s about damn time you got your due.

And though it sucks the extra fine and talented Heath Ledger had to lose out on the prize to Phillip Seymour Hoffman, I�m glad someone won for playing a mo.

And now, on to the few other things that made this week in entertainment worth while.

Kate Moss Shacks Up With an Osbourne

Two former addicts in love turtle dove. Boo yeah! Kate Moss has stunned pals by getting down and dirty with Jack Osbourne on a recent wild night out. The sexy supermodel, who is allegedly trying to steer clear of cocaine, was said to be "all over" Ozzy Osbourne's son at the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel.

Apparently, guests including Kate Hudson and Natalie Portman were looking on with sheer bewilderment in their eyes. Yeah, I gotta say, this one mystifies me too. It doesn�t seem to me that the best way to steer clear of drugs is to link up with one in a line of several addicts. That is one coked out family tree if you ask me.

And speaking of coke �

Whitney and Bobby no mo?

I�ll believe this shit when I see it, but supposedly, Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown are finally heading to divorce court. The troubled pair are supposedly calling their 14 year marriage quits after Bobby was overheard telling friends at a recent concert in New York that it�s over, they�re getting divorced.

The 36-year-old star – who in 2003 was accused of beating Whitney – was reportedly flirting with a group of women at a show by girl group SWV, in Connecticut, when one of them asked: �What's up with your wife?�

Brown – who has a 12-year-old daughter, Bobbi Kristina, with Whitney – reportedly replied: �We ain't together no more. We're getting a divorce.�

It�s about damn time. Now, I�m not so sure this is the kick in the ass Whit needs to get her wig set on straight. Frankly, I think she may be too far gone. I mean, the bitch did show up at some mini mart at 4am in a fur, her nightgown and wig all askew last week. And that ain�t a good sign.

But I can hope and pray for the chance to hear that once glorious voice sing something other than, �rub me all the way down to Chinatown.� One can hope.

And that�s all for this time folks. To recap:
Wentworth hot, Mariah not! Oh, and Gwyneth looks like shit and Jill Hennessey is a man. Um, Kate Moss would rather do Jack Osbourne than lines and Whitney Houston may finally find the time to get off drugs and buy a new wig.

Until next time.

  • Ross von Metzke is the Editor in Chief of Xodus Magazine and a featured columnist for GayWired.com. His work has appeared in YM, Performing Arts, The San Diego Union Tribune, Entertainment Weekly, Instinct and Gay Web Monkey. Ross lives in San Diego.

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