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Ross von Metze | January 18, 2006

It�s Official: Angelina is having Brad�s baby

After months of speculation, Angelina Jolie�s publicist made it official this week – she is indeed a whore. No, no, I�m just kidding. I love Angie.

Actually, the announcement is that she�s preggers� with Brad�s baby� and it�s due this summer� and Angie�s other two kids are taking a hyphenated last name – Jolie-Pitt.

Rumors that Angie was with child started nearly two months ago when she was spotted sporting that all telling 'bump' at some public outing last December. You know, I get that bump from eating a cheeseburger. I don�t know how these paparazzi can tell the difference between a full meal and a baby on the way.

Anywho, this time, it appears the rumors were true. Angie first broke the news to a charity aid worker in the Dominican Republic, where she is busy filming The Good Shepherd with Matt Damon to put food on little Maddox and Zahara�s plates. Then, figuring it was only a matter of time before the press caught wind, Brad allegedly did Jen Aniston the honor of a phone call with the news. According to a source close to the actress, she wished him the best, told him to congratulate Angie, and then bawled her eyes out.

Word on the street is Aniston has since burned her wedding dress. No clue if it�s true, but it�s very Waiting to Exhale. Terry "My hubby came out of the closet and all I got was a 45 minute tirade on Oprah" McMillan would be proud.

Anywho, nearly a year after people started talking about Brangelina, it has been confirmed. Yes, the two probably formed a bond while filming Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Yes Brad probably left Jen for Angie. Yes the two were playing more than house when they posed as the all-American family on the cover of W. Yes, hotel employees probably did hear the two having rough and kinky sex last summer. And yes, it looks more and more clear... Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt had the only mid life crisis in 2005.

And before you�re tempted to brand Angie a homewrecker, check out this quote from a close friend: �This is a woman who values her relationships with her children more than anything. Now she is creating a family in the context of an adult relationship.�

Even I have to agree the girl has a point. A 15 pound Ethiopian kid around your neck is way more mature than a vial of your hubby�s blood.



Lindsay Lohan �Appalled� by Vanity Fair story

Just a week after Vanity Fair broke the news that Lindsay Lohan, their February cover model, had come clean about bulimia and past drug use to writer Evgenia Peretz, folks in the Lohan camp are doing damage control, claiming the 19-year-old is appalled with how the article turned out.

Lohan, who in the past has denied having an eating disorder, is doing it again. In the interview, Lohan is quoted as saying she used to make herself sick and had dabbled �a little� in drugs.

�I was sick,� the interview quotes her. �I had people sit me down and say, 'You're going to die if you don't take care of yourself.' My sister was scared. My brother called me crying. I knew I had a problem and I couldn't admit it.�

But now, Lindsay is singing a different tune to the folks at Teen People, saying: �The words that I gave to the writer for 'Vanity Fair' were misused and misconstrued, and I�m appalled with the way it was done. Aside from (the writer�s) lies and changing of my words, I am blessed to have this job and wonderful family that I do.�

Wait, wait, wait! It gets better. Vanity Fair is standing by the writer, claiming they have the entire interview on tape. So who�s lying? Lindsay, a girl who�s been hospitalized three times in the last year� who showed up to several awards shows in 2005 looking sleep deprived and in desperate need of a ham sandwich. A 19-year-old who�s had more car accidents in the last year than most people have in their entire lives. Or the reporter from one of the world�s most respected magazine?

We�ll get back to you Linds.



Nick Lachey likes it kinky in bed

All right, boys. News I know you�ve all been waiting for.

Nick Lachey doesn�t do vanilla sex. In fact, he likes it down right kinky. From getting rough in the sack to dressing up in Jessica Simpson's high heels for sexual kicks, Nick knows how to get down and dirty.

The beefcake, who is currently divorcing Jessica after three years of marriage, told an American mag: �Sometimes I did walk in her shoes. It was sort of a kinky thing we liked to get into and I haven't even realized my full dirty talk potential.�

I�m thinking back to that episode when Nick tossed Jess over his shoulder and took her upstairs to punish her for being bad. I bit the stick straight off my popsicle watching that. Then there was the time Jessica offered oral sex as collateral for getting her way. He had her trained well, and I know so many of our readers would tow the line of good behavior for one night with this stud.

So what do ya say Nick? I know you�re in mourning, but take it out on someone who�ll appreciate it.



And just cuz it�s funny �

Well, sort of funny and sort of sad. For the past few weeks, former Taxi and Grease star Jeff Conaway has been towing the line of sobriety on the VH1 reality show Celebrity Fit Club. He showed up for a group workout claiming to be on Benadryl (you show me the person who pops two Benadryl and promptly falls over in the sand drooling), pissed off teammates Kelly Le Brock and Tempest Bledsoe and fell asleep in their boat while rowing.

The next day, he got pissed when Bledsoe, Le Brock and Chastity Bono tried to confront him� he threw a pair of shoes at one of the judges and stormed out of the room. Now, he�s off to rehab after nearly ODing, and his teammates fluctuate between genuine concern and the understandable urge to wash their hands of him.

It makes for funny TV, I must admit, but Jeff� I know this was all taped three months ago, so I sincerely hope you�ve since seen yourself on TV and gotten the help you need.

Tis all this week. To review�

Angelina Jolie really is the ho the media has been painting her and now, she�s got Brad�s baby to prove it. Oh, and just so you ladies know I�m not singling her out, Brad�s a ho too; Lindsay Lohan admits she was a crack head but never had an eating disorder; Nick Lachey is way gay in bed and Jeff Conaway needs to go to rehab stat!

Blessed tidings.

  • Ross von Metzke is the Editor in Chief of Xodus Magazine and a featured columnist for GayWired.com. His work has appeared in YM, Performing Arts, The San Diego Union Tribune, Entertainment Weekly, Instinct and Gay Web Monkey. Ross lives in San Diego.


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