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Ross von Metze | December 14, 2005

Trimspa baby? Not for the organizers of Philly�s Live 8 Benefit Concert

Live 8 was such a great concept. Artists from all different genre�s of music get together in clusters all around the world for a series of concerts benefiting impoverished Africa, bringing food, medical supplies and housing to the third world region.

Apparently, the folks organizing the Philadelphia concert didn�t get the memo: If you�re looking for class and a modicum of dignity, Anna Nicole Smith should not appear on the invite.

But it did. Oh yes, it did, and now, the organizers of Live 8 are suing Trimspa and its curvy spokes-model. Why? Apparently, Trimspa was supposed to pay Live 8 $320,000 for a series of commercials aired during the show and the incorporation of Smith into the event. Well, Live 8 alleges Trimspa never paid and that Smith showed up inebriated, scantily clad and generally made an ass out of herself and a mockery of the benefit.

What? You�re kidding! Sweet little Anna Nicole?

HELLO! Have you never heard of Anna Nicole Smith? This is a woman who married a crusty, half-dead old bastard and has spent the last 10 years duking it out in court for her share of his millions. A lady who spent two seasons falling out of chairs, shoving donuts down her throat and gallivanting around LA with her extra butch assistant and toothless wonder cousin on The Anna Nicole Show. The woman who tried to make �beautiful music� with Kanye West and then took her bra off at the Mtv Video Music Awards!

This is the same Anna Nicole you expect to show up classy and dignified to your little benefit? Why not just ask Courtney Love to give the State of the Union?

Anyway, Live 8 wants $500,000 – the cash for the ads and, apparently, $180,000 for Anna�s embarrassment – $90,000 per boob. That�s damn near insulting, if you ask me. Anna�s way more embarrassing that that. I call this a conservative suit. Come on. Those drug pushers at Trimspa are sitting on way more cash. They fucked with African orphans. Take �em for all they�ve got!

Jennifer Aniston tries to hide her chi-chi�s, but her ass is apparently OK

Jennifer Aniston tries to hide her chi-chi�s, but her ass is apparently OK

If Live 8 was looking for someone to put their titties away, perhaps they should have recruited Jennifer Aniston. Seems the former Mrs. Pitt will stop at nothing to prevent photos of her sunbathing taken by some photographer camped out 300 yards from her house from seeing the light of day. Yep, Jen threatened legal action before the media was even made aware the photos existed.

Guess what Jen? I think your plan backfired, because they�re on the Internet. If you�ve always wanted to see a pic or two of Jen�s rack, check �em out here. Jen is threatening legal action against any publication that prints the topless photos. Let it be known we aren�t printing them, just linking to them. Also, let me say it here and now – girl looks good. Given that she�s in her mid 30�s and not in the most flattering position, her obviously real breasts are perky, supple and quite nice on the eyes. Ladies, your thoughts?

Jen has already sued the L.A. photographer whose �despicable conduct,� she claims, has caused her �shame, mortification, hurt feelings� and other assorted emotional distress. So the photog did the upstanding thing and said sorry – sort of. He says he had no intention of selling the photos and admitted it was �maybe my mistake� they got lumped in with pics of her and Vince Vaughn that he sent to five or six tabloids. But, he says Jen is partially to blame for going topless in a backyard that has no fences or privacy. Yeah, and are you gonna try and say she persuaded you to snap the shot through osmosis next?

Mariah Scary�s Year in Dress

Everybody�s been talking about Mariah Carey�s big comeback this year with the quadruple platinum and 8x Grammy nominated The Emancipation of Mimi. Awesome! Congrats! Kudos! You still got it.

But my big question is� has anybody noticed there�s a lot more of Mariah to go around lately, yet her clothes haven�t gotten any bigger. Mariah�s dressed like a bit of a skank ever since �she spread her wings and prepared to fly� away from her husband/captor Tommy Mottolla in the mid �90s. But she�s about to turn 36 and sometimes, she looks like she just stepped out of a porn.

From her campy Christmas photo to the rainbow hued sundress she wore to some award�s show earlier this year, I�ve collected five pics of Mariah is some of the most heinous outfits I�ve ever seen. You sing like an angel lady, but you dress like a whore. From letting her nips peek through to almost giving the press her entire boob, these are just outfits that should never be worn.

1. This is not a Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling take to the courts benefit concert Mariah. What are you wearing?
2. Merry Christmas from your host, the town whore.

3. Mariah, did you get ready for bed with a man friend and then remember you had a show?
4. OK, the boob hanging out... bad. Forgetting to tan your entire tit... really bad!

AND FINALLY ... 5. That is no accident, Mariah. Your girls knew full well what they were getting themselves into.

Quick Takes

Kylie to pen Diary on Cancer Experience

Kylie Minogue, still struggling to beat breast cancer, has announced she is writing a diary to inspire her fellow cancer patients. The singer star was diagnosed with breast cancer in May and has reportedly had a tough time with chemo treatments (she missed a scheduled appearance in London last month after allegedly being �too weak� to attend).

�Kylie knows she is in a position of influence and wants to use that positively by writing this diary,� a source told Britain�s The People newspaper. �She believes that by sharing her experiences, she can provide encouragement to those in a similar situation. She wants to get the message over that cancer can strike anybody, no matter how rich or famous.� Last month, the 37-year-old singer was left distraught after doctors told her she was too sick to fly home to Australia for Christmas. Reports have indicated Kylie�s recovery has been a hard, uphill battle.

And finally, you know how Oprah talks about those �Aha� moments. Well now, every week starting now, I�m going to introduce the �Duh� moment. This week�s �Duh� moment? Michael Jackson, because is there any easier target? Michael�s family is worried because they think he may have a drug problem. Say it with me now, altogether. �Duh.� The guy�s been whacked since the �80s, and I�m not just talking about his slumber parties. Gotta be the drugs. Gotta be!

Got a duh moment to share? E-mail us at buzz@himcorp.com. Gotta be lame. Gotta be obvious. Gotta be �Duh.� Until next time – one person�s trash is another person�s rent check.

  • Ross von Metzke is the Editor in Chief of Xodus Magazine and a featured columnist for GayWired.com. His work has appeared in YM, Performing Arts, The San Diego Union Tribune, Entertainment Weekly, Instinct and Gay Web Monkey. Ross lives in San Diego.

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