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Ross von Metze | December 07, 2005

Jake Gyllenhaal Brokeback Mountain takes Hollywood by storm

Heath Ledger was MIA (home in Brooklyn tending to his bun, which just popped out of Michelle Williams' oven) and Lindsay Lohan showed up 25 minutes late (I try and I try to stand by you lady, but you�re making it rough), but the Los Angeles premiere of Brokeback Mountian was a star-studded event, complete with one hunky looking Jake Gyllenhaal and one eternally down on her luck actress pulling yet another of her red carpet stunts.

Let me set the scene: Jake looks like a million bucks – posing for photos, dodging the obligatory gay questions (he�s not, but he doesn�t think he�d have any trouble being in a relationship with a man, for those of you taking notes), and scanning the red carpet for a potential date.

Jared Leto Sources suggest he may have been looking for Linds, who was likely busy talking her way out of yet another fender bender. She�s been dating Jared Leto – ah, Jared Leto – he of 8-percent body fat and an ass that cracks walnuts. But this is Hollywood, so I suppose she could have been stepping out on him for the night.

Oh, and while we're on Leto, check out this pic I dug up of him strolling around an LA suburb. He has nothing to do with the story, but he�s hot and this is my flipping column. Also, I'm trying to make up for the fact that we didn't get to see him and Colin Farrell fuck in Alexander, but that's neither here nor there!

Anywho, back to the red carpet and Jake, still hot as hell and perusing the carpet for a lady friend as reporters ask if he�s gay (cue lip bite and 25-second pause). Meanwhile, about 1,000 people up the carpet because she�s now a pseudo-nobody and she got there an hour and a half early, Sean (�No Way Out� and not much worth mentioning since) Young is talking to reporters, quite eloquently I might add, about how it must be harder to come out in Hollywood for men than women.

No shit Sean. As Wanda Sykes says, �What�s the number one fantasy men have? Two women! Doesn�t work both ways, does it ladies!�

Anyway, so Sean�s yammering away – looking like she�s on the way to a bowling alley, not a premiere, in a letterman jacket and black jeans, I might add – when word spreads to the D-list that Jake�s arrived. SeanYoung So long sophisticated Sean and hello digital camera.

Yes folks, Sean�s star gazing, but not for her scrapbook. This loon has actually convinced herself she might just score a date with Jake. Guess she got confused and thought Jake was scanning the crowd for his mom. Um, Sean, not sure if you checked in with your mammaries lately, but Jake�s 23 years your junior. He's 24, you're 46! That's almost double, honey.

Didn't get it!

�I'm stalking Jake tonight!� she tells E! Online. �And you're a part of it!� Then, Sean checks with reporters to make sure Jake is indeed available.

Demi/Ashton (16 years difference and she�s good for publicity). Sean/Jake – well, you do the math.

Security gets rid of Sean, Lindsay finally shows up, waves to photogs and hightails it into the theatre without Jake (wrong, or are they hip to the rumors) and Hollywood�s big gay event gets underway.

Gay drama, and gay people weren't even involved (uh, there goes that lip again Jakey).



Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey Jessica and Nick Say I Don�t, Cyber Style

America�s favorite dumb blonde (sorry Paris, we�re just not that into you) allegedly left her hubby via e-mail. Reports suggest that while Jessica Simpson�s marriage to Nick Lachey has been on the outs for some time, the pair were planning to patch things up until Nick hinted he�d be spending Turkey Day alone.

So Jessica got her typing finger ready, grabbed a Webster�s dictionary and a ghost writer and told Nick it was officially over and that she was going public. Imagine having to read that on your Blackberry!

The following day, the ouple released a joint statement: �After three years of marriage, and careful thought and consideration, we have decided to part ways. This is the mutual decision of two people with an enormous amount of respect and admiration for each other. We hope that you respect our privacy during this difficult time.�

But that doesn�t necessarily mean Jess� having the last laugh. This divorce could get nasty, because Jessica allegedly refused to sign a pre-nup.

Which was fine at the time. Nick�s 98 Degrees was outselling Jess 2 to 1 on the album charts, until a little show called Newlyweds came along and made Jess a one woman empire and Nick a hot, toned house hubby. The hands down bread winner, last year, Jessica Simpson pulled in a reported $35 million from her album sales, singles sales, international tour, commercials, TV appearances, perfume, skin care and book sales. Nick�s album sold 200,000 copies and he shot eight episodes of Charmed.

As the law reads, Nick could wind up with as much as half for Jess� earnings.

I say pony up bitch. He deserves that and more for having to listen to your ass for three years.



Michael Jackson and Debbie Rowe Michael May Not be Daddy Jackson After All

Now that MJ�s doing time in Bahrain for what may be eternity, his ex-wife understandably has a thorn in her side. As such, she�s come forward with allegations that Michael didn't father two of his children.

Debbie Rowe, the mother of two of the star's three children, said his offspring were conceived from a test tube. She insists the pop star isn't the biological father of eight-year-old Prince Michael Junior and seven-year-old Paris – and says they were both conceived using semen from a sperm bank.

So wait a minute! Does this mean Michael and Debbie didn�t do the horizontal polka? They didn�t get Shasta McNasty, bump uglies, take a long walk through canyon country?

Always the last to know.

Rowe, who was married to Jackson from 1996 until 1999, is quoted as saying: �Michael knows the truth – that he is not the natural father of Prince Michael Jr and Paris. He has to come clean. I have no information whatsoever about the identity of the semen donor for either child as such (semen) was obtained anonymously from a semen bank under an agreement of confidentiality.�

Hmmmm � maybe the kid who just sued him for playing with his willy knows!



The Britney/Christina Gift Exchange

Ah, nice to see two former Mousketeers can make nice and let bygones be bygones � unless, of course, you read into their recent gift exchange.

Aguilera, apparently looking to bury the hatchet that�s loomed between them ever since she got nasty with ex Spears love Justin Timberlake in 2003, sent Britney a gift basket with an apology card. Brit apparently called to say thanks, the pair caught up and then, wham � Chris goes out and marries long time fianc�e Jordan Bratman in a secret ceremony.

So Brit, returning the favor, sends Chris a self-help book on how to cope with your first year of marriage.

Oh yeah, cuz those two seem to have it all figured out. Didn�t Brit just spend a week at The Standard hotel because she couldn�t take Federline�s late night partying? Yo, bitch! Was that in the book?

I don�t like them talking. I liked it when Christina said Britney had "let herself go" while she was pregnant and branded her cheap. I liked Britney trying to be all deep, calling Chris a �dark� person. Now the most I can hope for is a late night domestic dispute � maybe Chris calling the cops on Fed�s ex Shar Jackson for chasing Brit around with a meat cleaver.

Ah, if only.

So that�s all she�s got this week, folks. Until next time – one person�s trash is another person�s rent check.

  • Ross von Metzke is the Editor in Chief of Xodus Magazine and a featured columnist for GayWired.com. His work has appeared in YM, Performing Arts, The San Diego Union Tribune, Entertainment Weekly, Instinct and Gay Web Monkey. Ross lives in San Diego.


    Previous edition
    Courtney Love out of rehab just in time for Egg Nog [07/12/2005]

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