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Ross von Metze | November 09, 2005

Enrique Iglesias Enrique Iglesias comes clean about his pecker

As a gossip columnist, I�ve pretty much seen it all. Celbs going ape shit, drug addiction, adultery� all alleged, of course.

Never have a I stumbled upon anything quite like this. In fact, I�m still puzzled as to how, why, and what in God�s name prompted Enrique Iglesias to even open his big, fat mouth about this one.

Let�s put it this way – Enrique�s mouth appears to be the only big, fat thing he�s got.

Supposedly, the Latin heartthrob (who�s managed to stay out of the headlines since he had his potentially 'cancerous' mole removed) spilled to a Texas paper that he plans to stamp his name on a line extra-small condoms, shocking female fans � really shocking gay fans� and making me pose the question: What�s in it for Anna Kournikova?

Enrique admitted he sometimes has trouble finding sheaths to fit �the smaller man� and wants to save people who aren't well-endowed any embarrassment, apparently by putting all of the weight on his shoulders. The Houston Press quoted him as saying: �The next product I'm gonna put my name on is extra-small condoms. I can never find extra-small condoms, and I know it's really embarrassing for people – you know, from experience. Hopefully people won't be ashamed when I step forward.�

Part of me wants to stand up and applaud the man, who was recently voted the sexiest man alive by People in Espa�ol. I mean, that shit takes guts.

The other part of me is just hoping and praying to God that Anna stays by his side through the end of time. I mean, she�s got looks on her own. She�s obviously not after his money. And the lady�s still willing to put up with his tiny pecker? Either they have an open relationship or this is the real thing!



Pamela Anderson Cracked Out on Ellen?

Speaking of publicity nightmares, did any of you catch The Ellen DeGeneres show on Monday? If you watched it, TiVoed it, have a VCR tape of it, maybe know a friend who caught it� feel free to chime in anytime (buzz@himcorp.com). I really want to know if we all saw the same thing.

Pamela Anderson was cracked out of her mind! I swear, she was. I�ve seen the lady interviewed several times, and never in my life have I seen anything quite like that.

Oh, she answered Ellen�s questions alright – standard stuff, about PETA, Kid Rock, Tommy Lee, the kids, her Comedy Central Roast, Courtney Love. But if she wasn�t picking her fingernails she was playing with her hair, or scratching her back, or stretching her arms, or finding a good center of gravity on the sofa or, at one point, discovering just how good the inside of her check felt.

And then, just when I wondered if someone was going to come out and tell everyone it was all one big joke, Ellen started playing a song that Anderson recorded with Bryan Adams (she can actually kinda sing) and Pam, apparently eager to show off her dancing skills, somersaulted out of her chair and continued around the stage, flipping, skipping, shaking her titties� like Girls Gone Wild in an off the shoulder sweater.

To be fair, the theme of the show was �so you think you can��, and Pam�s skill was supposedly dancing. And maybe I wouldn�t have been so taken aback if it had been preceded by Pam actually sitting still during her interview. But even if the act was all for show, I swear to you, when Pam turned her back to the audience and started ripping the petals off the flowers on Ellen�s coffee table and throwing them over her head while screaming �Whee,� another busty blonde came to mind� a far more tragic blonde named Anna Nicole, and if I were Pam, I�d run screaming from that comparison as fast as my feet would carry me.



Kirstie Alley Kirstie Down 55lbs and Counting

�When did I decide I was a big fat girl?�, Kirstie Alley asked Oprah on Monday�s show.

The former Cheers and Fat Actress star was referring to the fact that, just 10 months earlier, she had weighed in at Jenny Craig at 219 lbs (a number Rosie O�Donnell then went on television and said was a big lie – she claimed Kirstie was way bigger).

Now, 55 lbs lighter and counting, Kirstie told Oprah she gained the weight when she decided to step away from Hollywood for a while and focus on her kids, simultaneously deciding she no longer cared what she looked like – a man would just have to love her for all of her, not just her body.

But Kirstie says in letting herself go, health flew out the window and, subsequently, she turned into a blob.

In addition to dieting, Kirstie took up dance lessons with choreographers for Usher and Madonna. She shook her shit on with Oprah for the studio audience, proving two things: 1. At around 170lbs, Kirstie looks damn good 2. She dances way more like a sistah than Oprah.

Now that�s back in a zone Hollywood might deem 'normal', Kirstie is looking good. My one suggestion for the lady might be to let go of the whole blonde thing. It didn�t look good on Veronica�s Closet, and it sure as hell don�t look good 10 years later. Otherwise, nice work, toots.



Quick Takes

Sharon Stone Sharon Stone: Philanthropist and Tunesmith

Apparently in her down time from filming Basic Instinct 2 (from the look of things, she could have enjoyed a hell of a lot more down time and just never filmed the fucking thing), Sharon Stone sat down and wrote a song to raise money for the Hurricane Katrina relief effort. The actress has teamed with songwriters Denise Rich, Mark Feist and Damon Sharpe to pen the track �Come Together Now�, which will be released on November 29 featuring the vocal stylings of Joss Stone, Celine Dion and Wyclef Jean, among others. Sharon's record will raise money for Angels' Place, a charity organization for terminally ill children which was destroyed by the hurricane, and Habitat for Humanity, which is helping victims build homes. Thumbs up for effort Sharon, but why didn�t you just flash your crotch for cash – ten times quicker, you�ve already done it and you�d have probably scored more airplay.



Paris Hilton Paris� Mishap in a Bentley, Caught on Tape

Paris Hilton and boyfriend Stavros Niarchos crashed her $160,000 Bentley into the back of a big truck Wednesday while trying to flee paparazzi. Damage was minimal, but rather than stop, Stavros gunned it and peeled out of the lot. Here�s the kicker. A passenger in the backseat, Laguna Beach star Talan Torriero, is heard on tape saying, �I�m the only sober one in the car.� So the cops pulled the car over a few blocks away, questioned the crew but did not administer any sort of breathalyzer test. Trust me, Paris – if you and the man looked like Wynonna, you�d be in the slammer right now. Still, no charges were pressed and the hotel heiress� even found time to thank the police: �We love the police,� she squealed, again peeling out.



Felicity Huffman Housewives Huffman has Her Day in the Spotlight

This holiday season, the gay community is all a buzz over Brokeback Mountain, and justifiably so. But there�s another movie the gay community should turn out in droves to see. Felicity Huffman offers up a tour de force the likes of which none of her Housewives co-stars (except maybe Marcia Cross) could even come close to accomplishing in TransAmerica. Huffman plays Bree, a pre-op male to female transsexual who finds out she has a son just days before her operation. You will laugh (hysterically, I might add). You will cry (sob is more like it). But most of all, you will be astounded by the work this fine work this actress accomplishes. The Emmy was a nice surprise. An Oscar would just be further recognition of a truly astonishing talent. TransAmerica opens in limited release December 2, then goes wide December 23. Check out the trailer here.

Well, that�s all this time, folks. Looking forward to next time, and until then, one person�s trash is another person�s rent check. – Issued by Gay Link Content

  • Ross von Metzke is the Editor in Chief of Xodus Magazine and a featured columnist for GayWired.com. His work has appeared in YM, Performing Arts, The San Diego Union Tribune, Entertainment Weekly, Instinct and Gay Web Monkey. Ross lives in San Diego.


    Previous edition
    Ashlee Simpson goes on a McDonalds Bender [09/11/2005]

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