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Hollywood Celebrity Buzz

Ross von Metze | November 09, 2005

Ashlee Simspon Ashlee Simpson goes on a McDonalds Bender

Oh, Ashlee Simpson. Dear, sweet, na�ve Ashlee Simspon. We were able to over look two seasons of piss poor acting on 7th Heaven. Apparently some people were even able to get past that botch job you did last year on Saturday Night Live.

But now, girl, you�ve really gone and done it – and I don�t think your papa�s gonna be able to pull the old acid reflux card this time around.

A video has been leaked to Entertainment Tonight, Extra and virtually every entertainment tabloid known to man featuring a shit-faced, stumbling-over-herself Ashlee reading employees of a McDonalds at some ungodly hour of the morning. The pop star allegedly climbed onto the counter to order, and when an employee asked her to get down or she�d have to call the manager, Ashlee fired off a round of explicitives.

Then a friend asked Ashlee to get down. More cussing.

Finally, the woman behind the counter insisted she get down, to which Ashlee replied that she had $5 million in the bank and wasn�t going to take shit from someone who made minimum wage.

Um, Ashlee. Ninety-five percent of the people who listen to your crap-ass music make minimum wage, and unless there are a lot of really dumb-fuck people out there, I highly doubt there are going to stand for such crap.

Invest that $5 million wisely, Ashlee. This time next year, you too might be flippin� burgers.

To see the video, click here!

Jessica Simpson And what of Jessica Simpson, the prodigal older sister? The press has been all up in her grill about relationship troubles with Nick Lachey since earlier this year and now, Jessica has told Teen People she was so close to a breakdown, she started seeing a therapist. Apparently, the media hounding got so out of control, the singer/actress says it�s even taken its toll on the way she carries herself.

�My body language has changed lately – I've been hunched over a bit, and I know why. I've been taken advantage of and used so many times in my life. I don't like being used for money or fame.�

Well now! I don�t know what you�d call putting Jessica (who at one time was a virginal, good, Christian girl, remember) all lathered up in soap on top of the Dukes of Hazzard car to have her simulate a lap dance while singing "These Boots are Made for Walking". Used for money or fame seems to do the trick.

In the interview, Jessica also confesses that keeping a journal and good communication with her hubby is key to making it work. �Communication between us is very important. Without it, the voices in the head start. It's hard to reflect upon (our relationship) but that's because the story's not done yet.�

Awww� that�s so damn sweet.

Esther is pissed and she ain�t gonna take it!

No, not because she fell off a horse and broke some ribs on her birthday. And it�s not sympathetic pains for hubby Guy Ritchie getting booed after the debut of his new film last month in Toronto.

No Esther (that�s Madonna, for those of you who haven�t been paying attention) is livid that Hollywood stars (like Paris Hilton, who she specifically named, the filthy tart) are jumping on the Kabbalah band wagon because it�s trendy and cool, not because they actually have any interest in actually studying it.

�People like Paris Hilton who come into a centre and buy a book or a band and that's it for them� It doesn't mean they study it,� Madonna tells a British reporter in an interview making the rounds this month. �It's very hard to be a believer. I'm very serious about it.�

Madonna has been following the form of Jewish mysticism for more than five years and has sparked deep interest in the faith from other Hollywood celebs, including Gwyneth Paltrow, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. Recently, the Kabbalah Center approached Britney Spears (whom Madonna introduced to Kabbalah) about writing a children�s book based on Kabbalah�s teachings.

This is where I would ordinarily launch into a scathing tirade about Britney�s inability to string two words together without coming off like a skanked out country bumpkin, but this isn�t a gossip piece about Britney, it�s about Esther, so why digress.

Esther seems pissed that a faith she says brough her closer to herself and her family has become a Hollywood gimmick and even suggests she might have turned less heads had she joined the Nazi party. Um, well, Hollywood�s kind of a town full of Jews and Fags, so I don�t know about that. But at least Madge can rest assured� Paris can wear whatever color bracelet she likes. Even if they appoint her the Queen of Kabbalah, we still don�t hate her as much as Tom Cruise.

Tyra Banks Tyra Banks Goes Gargantuan for Talk Show

Sure, Tyra Banks has put on a few pounds since stepping away from the runway to focus on America�s Next Top Model and her daytime gab fest, The Tyra Banks Show. But this week, Tyra�s tipping the scales at a whopping 350lbs.

Don�t freak just yet. She�s still got her statuesque, drag queenish bombshell figure. No, Tyra just went Shallow Hal on us for an afternoon as part of an undercover report she did on the way Americans treat obese people, and Miss Tyra did not like what she saw.

�I started walking down the street and within 10 seconds, a trio of people looked at me, snickered, looked me right in my eye and started pointing and laughing in my face,� the supermodel turned talk-show host said. �I had no idea it was that blatant.�

Banks said she feels it�s the last form of open discrimination, where it�s generally regarded as OK to taunt overweight people. Previously, Banks had a sonogram live on the air to prove her breasts are real and to educate women on the dangers of breast implants.

Quick Takes

Brad Pitt Brad Pitt and George Clooney Go Gay

Much as I wish this were a coming out story about Brad and George, it�s actually kind of a sad story. According to radio show host Ryan Seacrest, the pair have allegedly snapped up ownership of the Laguna Beach gay bar The Boom, Boom Room. Apparently, the two plan to turn the beach front property and club into an upscale Bed & Breakfast. Man. I had some good times at that place, one of which involved me skinny dipping at 3am, tanked on a bottle of Cuervo. Ah well� all good things must come to an end. And, as one lady who called into the radio show said, if Brad plans to show up periodically, take his shirt off and get sweaty on a dance floor, I�ll keep going.

Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin Prepare for Battle

How bitchy is this Kim Basinger, Alec Baldwin custody battle getting? Kim claims Alec is emotionally abusive and needs to seek treatment for his anger. Alec says Kim is attempting to alienate him from his child and accused her of breaching their child custody agreement. Kim said in court on Tuesday: "Everyone knows about Alec Baldwin's behavioral problems – his anger, his rages – they are, unfortunately, legendary. If his relationship with his daughter is fractured, there is only one person to blame and it is himself." Yikes! This is the same couple who�s onset romance is so legendary, production of the 1994 action/comedy The Getaway had to be shut down one day because the couple were too busy screwing in her trailer. What a difference a decade makes.

Bitchy Quotes from Way Back

Bette Davis

I have to credit my dear friend and cohort in crime Charles Romaine for giving me the idea for this one. We were digging through quotes of some of Hollywood�s most beloved screen legends and he said, �You know, the Paris, Nicole, Lindsay, Hilary fights� soooo not as witty. Nobody feuds like this anymore.�

You know what? He�s right. They used to go for the jugular. Check out some of these classic, campy quotes we dug up.

�Hollywood's first case of Syphillis. I wouldn't sit on her toilet� – Bette Davis, on long-time nemesis Joan Crawford.

�Look, there's nothing wrong with my tits, but I don't go around throwing them in people's faces!� – Joan Crawford, criticizing Marilyn Monroe

�She has slept with every male star at MGM except Lassie.� – Davis, again on Crawford.

�No, thank you. I can just about stand looking at Joan Crawford's face at six o'clock in the morning, but not Bette Davis.� – Vivien Leigh, on being asked to take over Joan Crawford�s role in Hush, Hush Sweet Caroline and co-star with Davis.

�I wouldn�t piss on her if she were on fire.� – Davis on you know who.

�A legend involves the past. I don't like categories. This one is great and that one is great. The word great stands for something. When you talk about a great actor, you're not talking about Tom Cruise.� – Lauren Bacall

�You should never say bad things about the dead, you should only say good! Joan Crawford is dead� good!�

Damn, that Bette was a saucy one. Well, that about wraps things up for this week. See ya next Friday! And until then, as always, one person�s trash is another person�s rent check. – Issued by Gay Link Content

  • Ross von Metzke is the Editor in Chief of Xodus Magazine and a featured columnist for GayWired.com. His work has appeared in YM, Performing Arts, The San Diego Union Tribune, Entertainment Weekly, Instinct and Gay Web Monkey. Ross lives in San Diego.

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