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Ross von Metze | October 25, 2005

Nick Lachey 1-800-DIVORCE for America�s sweethearts Nick and Jessica?

Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey heading to divorce court! At least that�s what every tabloid from Hollywood to Berlin implies is the next step for the no longer newlywed couple. Hell, the tabloids seem so desperate for the pair to throw in the towel, I half expect some fledgling 'reporter' to show up at the door with roses and doctored divorce papers just to see if Jess�ll sign them.

The latest reports indicate that Mrs. Lachey will be spending her third wedding anniversary alone. Blondie is said to be planning to spend the date in Nairobi, without Nick, to promote her charity Operation Smile – which aims to raise money for children born with cleft lips in the deprived region. Jessica will later be joined by her father, Joe, and personal assistant Cacee Cobb and the trio will then go on a safari through Kenya – again without Nick.

Believe me – I�m rooting for a break-up as much as the next person, not so much because I want the breathy songbird to be miserable� more because I want one night in the sack with her beefcake of a hubby. Look at him. The guy has high-school quarterback written all over him, and what gay man among us didn�t fantasize about one night behind the bleachers with that?

Sources close to the pair claim the trip is another indication of how much Jessica and Nick's relationship has deteriorated and insist it is only a matter of time before they split for good. However, a representative for the couple, who rose to fame as reality TV stars of the MTV show Newlyweds, insists the pair are not on the verge of splitting, and Nick is only missing the trip because of prior commitments.

But rumors of the impending split have been circulating for months, beginning when Jessica�s recording career soared (her In This Skin went triple platinum and delivered the back to back hits "With You" and "Take My Breath Away") and Nick�s tanked (his Soul-O didn�t even go gold and he was subsequently dropped from his label). Since, Jessica made her big screen debut in the smash Dukes of Hazzard while Nick filmed a failed TV pilot. Hmmm! Jealous, much?

Most recently, rumors that Nick cheated have been circulating. The handsome singer, allegedly made sexual advances towards his close friend Chad Leslie's ex-girlfriend while the pair were still dating. Spokespeople for the couple claim the rumors are crap!

Regardless, the wholesome as apple pie couple have yet to comment themselves on whether the rumors are true. We�ll just have to sit back and pray that when the relationship does hit the skids, the Jess experiment will have been enough to send Nick packing for the other side!



Dolly Parton Parton�s pair in need of a couple of bongos

When the end of the world comes, there will be cockroaches, Spam and Dolly Parton. We used to say Cher, but she retired. Now, after seeing Dolly live last month (gargantuan boobs at full attention and fake blonde locks piled sky high on her head), I�ve decided she�s the more worthy punchline.

Ever the consummate show woman, Dolly Parton (who, though she�s never admitted it publicly, I have on good authority has spent more than a few afternoons enjoying a picnic lunch at the Y) has revealed she rests her trademark breasts on bongo stands between sets.

The busty blonde, whose 40 double D�s often eclipse her overwhelming talent, confessed to reporters: �My boobs are heavy. But if they get too heavy, I've got some bongo stands to rest them on.�

Earlier this month during fire season, the singer told a sold out crowd at Los Angeles� Gibson Amphitheatre� �I remember back in the �60s when people burned bras. If I burned this one, I could have started the Chatsworth fire.�

The 59-year-old also branded reports her giant mammaries were ruining her health as ridiculous, saying she can�t be flat on her back in pain one minute, then running around having an affair with a lesbian or a young boy the next. True, Dolly: But you could be flat on your back in pain with a lesbian on top of you doing� well, you know the rest!

But seriously! We can poke fun at Dolly. She�s probably the one who laughs loudest when the room�s buzzing about her. The lady is a musical pioneer! And for die hard fans, you heard it hear first. Next year will bring 9 to 5, the Broadway musical, with all original music composed by the Queen of the Smokey Mountains herself.



Michael Jackson Jacko to be known as Juror #5?

How�s this for irony? Months after a jury acquitted Michael Jackson of all charges in the child abuse scandal of the decade, U.S. courts have summoned the flamboyant singer back to court – for jury service.

Jacko, who left the country right after the verdict was ready to re-cooperate in Bahrain as a guest of the royal family, received a jury summons at his Neverland Ranch home earlier this week. And while Jackson's legal team insist the star is unlikely to show up for jury selection because he no longer resides in the country, by law, he is required to respond.

Now how would you like to hear that excuse? What�s it gonna be, Michael? Financial hardship? Eh, nope! Death in the family? Nah! Transportation? Well, I guess you could argue that a cab from Bahrain might be a bit pricey, but given your net worth, they might shoot you down on that one too.

Hey girl, Oprah did it� went through the metal detectors and everything. I say you owe it to America, especially since it�s the same country that let your sorry ass off.

And just to prove some things never change� Earlier this week, Jackson shocked hotel staff when he answered the door to his suite – dressed as Mickey Mouse. Disguised as the giant cartoon rodent, the star reportedly showed a chambermaid into his room at London's swanky Dorchester Hotel, where inside the singer's children were jumping on the bed dressed as Peter Pan characters.

Just as long as there was no camcorder around!



Quick Takes

Sharon Stone Sharon Stone: Open for business, take two!

Am I the only one who remembers Sharon Stone alleging that producers of Basic Instinct filmed between her thighs without permission and then exploited her naked cooter on the big screen to sell tickets? Please, who bought that one? What, you thought they told you to leave your chonies off so they could avoid filming a panty line? Well, either Sharon has backed down or her career really is in the shitter, because reports are circulating that the bombshell is prepared to spread those legs again for the sequel. Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction opens in theatres in March and Sharon is reportedly set to recreate her infamous police interrogation leg-crossing scene. Earlier this month, Stone allegedly opened a new Louis Vuitton store in Paris completely naked – except for a designer coat. Reporters said she looked like a flasher, wearing the coat as a dress rather than an over garment. Hey, you try that in Central Park and you�ll wind up with a hefty fine.



Tom Sizemore Tom shows Paris his Sizemore

Paris Hilton has adamantly denied Tom Sizemore's claims he slept with her when she was a teenager, insisting she has never even met the actor. Sizemore has recently become more famous for his drunken public appearances and accusations of domestic violence than his acting chops. In an interview on his new porn tape The Tom Sizemore Sex Scandal, the Saving Private Ryan star claims he enjoyed a one night stand with the then 19-year-old Hilton when she begged him for sex after a party. Sizemore goes on to allege hotel heiress Hilton showed him a good time, adding, �She knew what she could do to people.� But Hilton, now 24, is appalled by the allegation, suggesting Sizemore had to use her name to get anyone to pick up the DVD. All I know is, Paris looked like a boring lay on that Rick Salomon tape – I hope to God if she did do Sizemore, she had a bit more fun with it.



Felicity Huffman Felicity Huffman swaps sexes for new role

Fresh off her Emmy win for Best Actress in a comedy for Desperate Housewives, Felicity Huffman looks to be in the running for another statuette� Oscar. The talented blonde is getting rave reviews for her portrayal of a pre-op male to female transsexual in the forthcoming TransAmerica, executive produced by her devoted hubby, William H. Macy. Huffman plays Bree, a woman who finds out days before her surgery she has a son who is about to be released from prison. At the urging of her therapist, Bree picks the kid up from jail for some mother-father-son bonding. Look for this groundbreaking title in theatres in December.

That�s all she wrote, folks. Enjoy. And remember. One person�s trash is another person�s rent check. – Issued by Gay Link Content

  • Ross von Metzke is the Editor in Chief of Xodus Magazine and a featured columnist for GayWired.com. His work has appeared in YM, Performing Arts, The San Diego Union Tribune, Entertainment Weekly, Instinct and Gay Web Monkey. Ross lives in San Diego.


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    Boy George jumps on the coke wagon [19/10/2005]

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